Street Lights
by Hope4thehopeless
Summary: Barba/OC. Slightly AU. What if Barba had been married before joining making the lateral move to SVU? Would it change him and how would it effect the cases? Explore the ups and downs of the life and marriage of Rafael and Elia Barba. Over 21000 views! Come read and review!:)
1. Prologue: Runaway

**Author's Note:**

 **What if Barba had been married before joining SVU? Would it change anything?** **The story will follow the TV show and explore the lives of Rafael and Elia Barba.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Reviews are welcomed!:)**

 **All errors are my own:( Sorry!**

 **H4TH**

* * *

 **Prologue**

"… _I was painting a picture_

 _The picture was a painting of you_

 _And for a moment I thought you were here_

 _But then again, it wasn't true_

 _And all this time, I have been lying_

 _Oh, lying in secret to myself_

 _I've been putting sorrow on the farest place on myself …"_

~ "Runaway" - Aurora

 _June, 1999…_

 _Harvard Campus_

Seventeen year old Elia Diaz walked briskly towards her father's office through the winding halls of the building. As a professor teaching at Harvard Law School, George Diaz was almost certainly going to put himself in an early grave. He drank and smoked too much and popped painkillers like they were candy on some days. Pushing her sunglasses up onto the top of her head, she carried the small bag that her mother had given her to deliver before she went to cross country practice. She was a freshman majoring in psychology and language. If her personal life was an indication, she had found her calling in being a therapist.

Her parents would never admit openly, but she knew that they had always been disappointed that she'd been born a girl. They'd been convinced that they were having a second boy and when she'd arrived, she'd disappointed her parents from the very start. A young nanny had been hired to help care for her while her mother had made it her life's mission to care for Emilio, her older brother and her parents' dream child. Her brother had been everything, but he hadn't been able to live up to their parents' high demands. Emilio was supposed to go to law school, become a judge, and eventually work his way into the presidency or a place on the Supreme Court. He was supposed to marry a nice girl and have children, but her brother had no interest in those things.

Throughout her life, it had been a point of contention in their house that had led to plenty of nasty fights and tears. Emilio didn't like law, he liked art. He wasn't ambitious like their father. When their parents had discovered that he was attracted to men when he was sixteen, their mother had broken down in tears claiming that Emilio was purposefully being cruel to her by embarrassing the family. Elia could remember sitting at the top of the stairs and listening to her mother hurl insult after insult at her brother, unable to do anything but cry. It was after that their mother began a campaign to 'fix' Emilio. She dragged him to church, prayed, and isolated him from friends and family. To her disgust, Elia had been forced to fight her own mother when the woman had attempted to slip chemical castration pills into Emilio's food to 'correct' him.

Maria Diaz had done anything that she thought would 'cure' Emilio from his 'sickness'. One of the few people that Emilio had found support in had been one of his few undergraduate friends, Rafael Barba. A law student that was a favorite of her father, Barba had been one of the few sources of comfort that her brother had besides her and their childhood nanny during the whole ordeal. In the end, after years of putting up with their parents, it had all been too much for Emilio. Having been overwhelmed with loving attention from their mother, he wasn't used to being in her cross-hairs and six months ago, it had ended in the most painful way possible.

Knocking on the door to her father's office, she heard him bid for her to enter and Elia held her breath when she saw Rafael Barba inside with her father. Seeing the man only made her remember Emilio. She couldn't help but to think about how much Emilio had valued Barba's friendship. Seeing Barba, however, only reminded her of her brother and the horrifying image of finding him unconscious in his bedroom, surrounded by pill bottles.

"Lunch," Elia said quickly before her father could say anything. "Mama said that you forgot it and asked me to drop it off before class."

Leaving the lunch on the corner of the chaotic desk filled with papers, Elia quickly retreated out of the office. She couldn't stand the sight of Barba and her father. Emilio's death had been devastating and she knew rationally that Barba had nothing to do with it, but she felt threatened by him. She felt like her parents were replacing Emilio with Rafael. At 25, her brother had been in control of his trust fund and he'd had left it to Barba, the only friend that had stayed with him until the very end. Her parents hadn't objected and to her knowledge, Barba hadn't touched the money. Hearing someone call her name, Elia kept walking until she reached the doors that led outside and pushed them open. The spring time air was fresh and the sun warm. A hand grabbed her upper arm. She was forced to turn and face Barba. Several inches shorter than him, she looked up into his green eyes and swallowed back her anger and sadness.

"Rafael," she said with a slight edge in her voice. "What do you want?"

He looked annoyed by her rudeness as he let go of her arm and slipped his hands into his pockets. The look disappeared and he straightened his broad shoulders.

"I wanted to say how sorry I am about everything," he replied. "Your brother was a good man."

"Is that all?" Elia snapped with the fear that she'd burst into tears at any second.

Barba looked at her with an expression that she couldn't read and she looked away. The warm breeze caressed her skin and she couldn't help but to think that Emilio would have liked the beauty of the day. He would have probably dragged her out somewhere to help him find the perfect spot to photograph the beauty of nature. Everything reminded her of Emilio in some way. It was the little things everyday that made her realize that despite everything, she'd loved Emilio. She'd loved him just the way he was and it broke her heart that her parents couldn't put aside their notion a 'perfect son' and love Emilio as well.

"I wanted to know how you're doing," he finally said after amount. "Emilio was your brother and I know that you miss him. I feel like he'd want me to ask and look after you for him."

Elia looked back at Barba.

She didn't know what to say.

He'd see through her lie and she couldn't tell him the truth. As much as she hated that her parents were replacing Emilio with Rafael, she forced herself to remember that it had been Emilio who had introduced their father and mother to Barba. It hadn't been Barba's fault that George Diaz had taken an interest in a gifted student, who also happened to be his son's friend. Nothing seemed to be Barba's fault and yet, Elia couldn't decide if she hated him or wanted to hold onto him for Emilio's sake and never let go.

"I'm fine," she said softly. "Thank you for your concern, but I'm going to be late to practice. I don't need a babysitter, Barba. What I need is my brother back and you don't have the power to do that. Leave me alone."

Not listening for his response, Elia turned and walked away. Everything was raw, hurt, and she couldn't deal with what was happening. It was too much and she would breakdown if she didn't leave.

He called out to her in Spanish, begging her to stop and talk to him.

All she could do was to ignore his words.

* * *

Rafael Barba watched her.

She was the only sister of his roommate and his mentor's daughter.

She was off limits by all counts, but he couldn't stay away. Emilio had been one of his closest friends and Elia…she was the sweet little sister that drove him crazy. She fascinated him and was a siren that he couldn't stay away from. Emilio had jokingly sworn him off to getting close, but the man was gone now. A pang of sadness hit him hard and Barba shook his head. Emilio's death was still fresh and he'd never forget how hysterical Elia had been.

He'd been at Emilio's apartment to enjoy a few drinks after a long week of exams ended the first semester of his second year of law school. He hadn't expected to hear Elia's screams inside the apartment that night. He'd forced the apartment door open as she had been walking backward from the bedroom. Barba doubted that she remembered what happened that night. She probably didn't remember the way she'd clung to him as the police showed up. She probably didn't remember the way she'd sobbed into his chest as he'd tried to comfort her outside the apartment before the police had come to speak with them. It was his dream and nightmare in one night. Having Elia in his arms and his friend dying at the same time had been almost too much. Elia had been in shock when the paramedics had taken her to the hospital. He'd gone with her and he'd stayed with her while Maria and George Diaz parents had been too concerned with Emilio to make certain that Elia was alright.

For weeks, Barba had been around, studying with George Diaz. It was summer break and even though he worked for the college as an assistant teacher, Barba had kept close to be near Elia. At first, it had been because of the letter Emilio had left for him. Barba had been surprised by the inheritance that Emilio had given him. He hadn't even looked at the fund because it felt wrong, but Emilio had asked him to keep the money and watch after Elia. George Diaz had formally taken him under his wing and was a great mentor, but Barba had heard Emilio's stories about his parents' neglect.

Elia wasn't a boy and Emilio had pitied her for the way she'd been treated since birth. Gifted in her own ways, Barba could see that she was as special as Emilio believed her to be. She had a gentle nature about her, a kind smile, and a temper that was quick to rise if given the chance. She forgave too easily in his opinion, she was a little too trusting of others, but she didn't easily open up. Her compassionate nature spoke volumes and she was as equally protective of those she loved. Elia was a contradiction in so many ways. She was puzzle that he'd grown to enjoy trying to solve and he suspected that Emilio must have known that when he was alive.

Elia was beautiful and shared her mother's looks. Long blonde locks that fell down to her elbows and blue-green doe eyes that made him feel like he could get lost in them. Beautiful eyes that had been horribly sad for months and Barba felt like he had to do something to fix it. Emilio would have wanted Elia to be happy. It was all he'd talked about in the months leading up to his suicide. Elia's happiness had been the only thing that had mattered to Emilio in the very end and he'd tried to use Barba to safeguard it.

Standing in the private park that was not far from the Diaz house, Barba watched her kick the football as hard as she could towards the net. The ball sailed gracefully in the air and he smiled thinking about how Emilo had described her as the better athlete between the siblings. Emilio had claimed that it had always been one of the many things that she excelled and he'd gone to every match or meet that she participated in. Now, there was no one to cheer for her. In the next heartbeat, Barba decided that he'd take Emilio's spot on the sidelines.

"Good shot."

Hearing his voice, Elia turned around and put her hands on her bare hips. Barba desperately tried to ignore the urge to look at her body, but he failed. She was wearing a red bikini top and jean shorts that would make any Catholic mother scold her for wearing something so indecently short. Glaring at him, she used her barefoot and attractive leg to guide a football closer to her before she took aim again at the net. The ball hit the top bar before bouncing back towards her, stopping a few feet short of her.

"What do you want?" she snapped angrily as she rounded on him. "Don't you and my father have something to do?"

Baraba raised an eyebrow and slipped his own tennis shoes and socks off before kicking the ball that had returned to her. The ball sailed through the air and into the net. He smiled and looked over at her. He could see resentment and anger boiling over inside of Elia.

"Don't you have something better to do?" she snapped and crossed her arms. Her breasts were pushed up slightly and he swallowed hard, averting his gaze. Rubbing the back of his neck, Barba told himself that he was here to make peace. She was angry at him and he didn't want her to be unhappy.

"You, uh, made the Dean's List," he said quietly, grasping in the dark for something to say. "I thought that congratulations was in order."

Elia looked away from him and shook her head, "It's not—"

"Important?" Babra finished with a slight smile on his face. "Emilio always said that those words were your favorite phrase."

Looking back at him, Elia frowned a little at the mention of Emilio. She looked taken aback at his words.

"What else did Emilio tell you about me?"

" He said and I quote that 'Elia could always kick a football straight'," Barba said and she burst out laughing. She couldn't hold it back and she laughed until there were tears in her eyes.

"He was making one of his jokes," she breathed, gasping for air. "I could do a lot of things 'straighter' than he could. He'd make the jokes to spite my mother. She hated every reminder that he was gay. Emilio took pleasure in reminding her that he was. I swear he made it into a sport to see how far he could push it before she'd snap and try to hurt him."

Understanding what she meant, Barba cracked a smile. Of course, Emilio would make his problems into jokes. It had made Barba laugh on plenty of occasions.

"I was serious about the congrats about the Dean's List," he said once their laughter was under control.

"I know," Elia said with a slight smile. "I'm still mad at you."

"Mad?"

She let out a long breath and he knew that she hadn't meant to say what she had. Her confession didn't surprise him as much as she thought it probably had. He'd seen the hostility in her eyes on several occasions and she'd only confirmed his suspicions.

"Emilio hasn't even been gone that long and I feel like my parents are replacing him with you," she confessed. "Emilio tried so hard to be everything that they wanted. Something, he couldn't control and I-I feel like he would have been miserable no matter what happened. He must have always known that and it breaks my heart. My brother deserves so much more."

Barba walked to the net and retrieved several of the footballs. He brought them back and Elia watched him.

"Your father…he talks about Emilio all the time," Barba said as he looked over at her. "He's always telling stories about Emilio when he's not teaching. I think…I think that he regrets not stopping your mother. I think he regrets going along with her and he's heartbroken. You should talk to him, Elia."

"So he can look at me with disappointment because I'm a girl?" she scoffed. "I've known since I was a little that my parents were disappointed about me being a girl. I overheard them plenty of times talking about how much they wanted a boy."

"That was before they lost a child," Barba reasoned. "You are their only living child now."

"Thank you, Mr. Obvious," she snapped.

"What I'm saying is that I think your father recognizes he has been a horrible parent and he doesn't know how to fix things," Barba continued as he ignored her. "Just…give him a chance for Emilio. He would want you to do that."

Elia didn't look convinced. In fact, she looked at him like he was crazy, but he smiled.

* * *

 _May, 2000…_

Elia stood in the hallway outside of Rafael Barba's apartment. The landing was carpeted and the building was nice and quiet. She knew that he'd be home studying for the bar exam that was coming up in a few weeks. He'd been preparing and she knew that he'd be fine.

A year had passed since that day on the football field.

Things hadn't gotten easier with her mother, but they had improved with her father. She'd taken Rafael's advice and her father had gotten to know her. Things would never be perfect between them, but they were better. It was with her mother that things had gotten worse. Maria wanted her married and gone, but to a man of _her_ choosing. It was an endless source of conflict between her parents. Rafael had been supportive of her, just like he'd been supportive of Emilio. A revolving door of possible suitors had come into the house and it had been a humiliating process that Elia hated. Her mother would bring a suitor and her father would invite Rafael to sit at dinner with them. It was a silent war between her parents. George must have known how she felt about Rafael Barba. Her feelings of friendship towards him had morphed and she was in love with him. The time she spent with him made her feel complete.

The time they spent together made her feel…

She couldn't explain it, but she could still remember the first time his hand had brushed against hers. The magnetic pull that she felt towards him couldn't be just one sided. Time seemed to stand still when she was with him. Her feelings weren't like the passionate, all consuming loves she'd read about in romance novels as a teenager. No, her love for him had crept up on her and she was half way in love before she'd even known that she'd cared for him. There wasn't a time or place that she could pinpoint when it happened, but between the late nights she spent with him at the library studying side by side, the Saturday nights that they spent keeping score of their one-one games of football, and the competitive scrabble games that they shared at his apartment, she'd lost and found herself at the same time.

Tonight had been enough and she couldn't hide inside anymore. The man had been boring, dull, and all Elia had been able to think about was the last game of scrabble that she'd shared with Barba and the accidental kiss they'd shared. It had been impulse. She'd won, finally beating his five game winning streak. In her excitement, she'd kissed him. His lips had been warm. Even though they'd both been surprised, his hands had gone to her hips where her tank top had ridden up. He'd touched her bare skin. Each kiss had grown heated and on his couch that night, she'd found that she enjoyed his kisses and caresses. It had been so good to kiss him, but he'd broken away before things had gone too far. Apologizing for something he hadn't started and it had left her feeling more confused than she'd ever felt in her life. He'd left her alone to put her shirt and bra back on. Twice, she'd picked up the phone to call him in the days after, but something had stopped her.

That something had been fear.

Fear that he didn't feel the same way about her. Her mother had spent a week feeding that fear unknowingly until her father had called her into his study before she had left on the ridiculous dinner her mother had planned for her and the date. Her father had, for the first time in her life, confessed that he was a horrible father. He'd held her hands, told her that he had thought long and hard, and realized that he was a foolish man. She was his baby, he'd told her. His daughter, who deserved all the happiness in the world and with the man that she found that made her happy. The whole conversation had left her unsettled and her date hadn't made it any better.

Knocking on the door, Elia held her breath as she heard movement on the other side of the door until it opened. He was finished with law school and preparing for the bar exam. She'd be starting her second year of college in the fall. Despite their age gap, she found that she didn't care about their seven year age difference.

"Elia," he said looking surprised. His dress shirt and jeans were casual and from the way he held his pen, she knew that he'd been studying for the bar. "Come in."

He stood to the side and she stepped into the neat looking apartment. He closed the door behind her and she looked at him nervously. On the way over, coming to his apartment had seemed like the right thing to do, but now that she was there...butterflies churned in her stomach.

"Another bad one?" he asked with a slight smirk, but she saw a flash of jealousy in his eyes and that comforted her.

"Horrible," she sighed as she unclasped her hands and set her clutch down on the table next to his keys.

"I'll grab the scrabble board. It'll take your mind off it."

"I didn't know where to go," Elia said quietly as he stopped halfway down the hall. "I was on this date with this horrible guy my mother set up for me. It struck me as all wrong, Raffie. All I keep thinking about is that kiss…"

He moved towards her and she felt her heart skip a beat. She had wanted him for so long. At some point in the last six months, the line between friendship and love had blurred into something that was impossible to separate.

"So, you came here?" he asked her as he stood a few inches from her. She could smell the sandalwood soap that he used. A smell that she'd long associated with being only his. Everything about him was forbidden. Her father was his mentor, he was her dead brother's best friend and yet, she wanted him. She couldn't deny that she wanted more than friendship with him. Her mother described the _perfect man._ To Elia, the man she wanted was right before her.

"You should go home," he whispered to her. "I know what you're thinking. God knows I've thought about it for hours, Elia. We can't. You're my mentor's daughter. My friend's sister. You and I can't do that."

"Who says?" she demanded softly as she reached up and cupped his cheeks. "My mother? Who wrote such a rule? We only have one lifetime, Raffie. Is it so wrong of me to want to spend that time with you? Someone I've grown to care about? Admire? Someone that I've come to love? Is that so wrong? I don't want to be like my brother, Rafael. Forced to feel ashamed of who he loved and wanted to be with...that isn't a way a to live and I want to live. I won't let my mother tell me that you're not enough. You're all I want. I'll leave if you don't want me, but I know you do. Please, kiss me."

In the next breath, his lips were on hers. She felt the kitchen island against her spine. His lips were everywhere and she clutched the edge of the counter tightly. A fire was already burning low in her abdomen. Every kiss, touch, and word only made it burn more. She gave a silent moan as his lips brushed against her the sensitive skin of her neck. His hands were at her mid back where the zipper of the dress was and she felt the hook come undone. He stopped kissing her and she felt him caress the bare skin of her spine above the zipper. Barba slowly pulled the zipper down a few inches. The cool air of the room rushed over her heated skin. His lips returned to her neck and shoulders as his large, warm hands explored the soft skin of her hips. His touch only made her want him more. Every nerve was alert, waiting for his fingertips to touch her. Closing her eyes, Elia smiled feeling him give a gentle tug at the dress.

His hands left her hips and smoothly ran up her arms until his hands covered her shoulders and gently pulled the straps of the dress. Her breath caught in her throat as his eyes met hers. He had a rugged handsomeness that many women could appreciate. He gently pulled her close to him and he wrapped his arms her, sending electrical currents through her body. She looked at his lips and wanted him to do nothing more than kiss her. Pressing her hands to his chest, she could feel the hard muscles. Looking down at the opening of his neck and seeing the white t-shirt beneath, Elia bit her bottom lip. Reaching for the button of the blue dress shirt he wore, she felt his hands cover hers as she slowly undid it. Green eyes met blue eyes. His eyes said everything she needed to know.

He loved her and that was all that mattered.

He lowered his lips and kissed her. If sparks could fly they would have, Elia mused. It was meant to be a soft kiss, but it was spiraling out of control. The unrestrained passion that they both had repressed for the past few weeks was seeping through. Her arms were around his waist and she pulled at the back of his shirt. The shirt gave easily and feeling the undershirt, Elia pulled at that one too as his lips broke the kiss and peppered kisses down her neck again.

She wanted him so badly and every kiss he put on her skin sent thrills of anticipated pleasure to her warmth. Her body tingled with the anticipation of what his lips, hands, and body could do to her. Pushing her hands between them, Elia unbuttoned the rest of them as fast as she could as he distractedly kissed lower and lower down her neck towards her hardened peaks. She pushed the dress shirt down his broad shoulders and he helped by stepping back, taking it off and tossing it aside. He repeated the processes taking his undershirt off also. It fell next to the dress shirt and Elia's breath caught in her throat as he kissed her again. A fire was burning in her as her need ran rampant through her body at the mere sight of his skin.

His lips were powerful against her as his tongue passed against hers. She reached behind her to let the last hook that held her dress together. Barba took her cue and reached behind her to do and she wrapped her arms around his neck. The touch of his bare, warm skin against hers was more thrilling then she could ever remember. He wrapped his arms around her waist and picked her up, never breaking the kiss. Walking backwards, her shoes fell off, but neither noticed nor cared. Barba walked her back until the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed. He looked at her and Elia felt her lower tummy burn with anticipation of what was to happen next.

"Tell me that this is alright," he murmured. "That you want this as much as I do."

His voice, thick with desire, tugged at the muscles in her pelvis. She felt him touch her lower back and undo the rest of the zipper. With his help, she pushed the dress down to the floor leaving her in a lace panties and nude stockings. The cool air touched her skin and she felt goose bumps. Turning back around, she stood over Barba as he sat on the edge of the bed. Breasts bare, she told herself that she wouldn't be embarrassed. There was no reason to be and the way he gazed at her made all the nervousness slip from her body. His firm hands reached out to grasp her hips. Putting her hand to his chest, Elia gave him a gentle push.

"I want you as much as you want me."

He lay back as she crawled over him and sat down on his hips. His hands ghosted up over the outside of her thighs up to her hips and went higher to her rib cage. Leaning over him, Elia kissed his lips as his hands cupped her bottom, squeezing and kneading her flesh. Breaking the kiss, her lips traveled down his neck to his chest. Her hands went lower and undid his belt. His skin was warm. The hard planes of his body had always fascinated her. The way the muscles in his back flexed when he fixed something, the way he ran during one of their pick games with the football…

Barba gave a low moan in the back of his throat when she guided the tips of her nails lightly over his skin. Returning her lips to his, Elia felt his hand on her neck as the kiss deepened. Making quick work of his pant's button and zipper, Barba lifted his hips and with her help, pushed them down. He kicked them off, but she paused when she went to push his boxer briefs down. She broke the kiss smiling, biting her lip laughing when she felt nothing but the smooth skin of Barba's hip.

"Going commando?" she said with a teasing smile. In a swift movement, Elia was on her back. He was over her, smirking back.

"Is that a problem?" Barba asked lowering his lips. "I'm pretty sure that you're not wearing a bra."

"Only because...oh!"

Elia moaned as he caught her nipple in his mouth. His tongue swirled around her hardened peak and he suckled hard. Her back arched off the bed. Looking up, she felt herself flood with even more desire. Senses in over load, Elia gasped in surprise when he grabbed her ankle and put it up to his shoulder. She leaned back on her elbows watching him balanced on his knees, his hardness fully displayed.

The feel of his fingertips forced her to watch as they slid down her leg. Her heart was racing as Barba's fingers came dangerously close to touching her in the one place she wanted him to touch her the most. He slipped his fingers beneath the edge of the lace. Painful, slowly pulled the stocking down her leg. She locked eyes with him and the desire and need that was in his reflected in hers. Breath catching in her throat as his touch stoked the fire of need, Elia bit back a moan as he tossed the stocking aside and kissed her ankle bone. Kisses were pressed against the skin of her calve and the higher his lips went, the wetter she became and she panted with anticipation. Warm kisses touched her hip bone and just as Elia thought that he was going to take away her underwear, he stopped kissing and smirked.

"Rafael," she moaned in frustration.

He smiled and tugged the other stocking down. Kissing her again like he had kissed her other leg, Elia hummed in anticipation of him reaching the warm, wetness between her legs. Barba moved back up and kissed her breast bone. She could feel him shoulders shake with laughter at her frustration as she moaned his name in protest again. His lips and hands quickly found her breasts and he had her withering in pleasure again. Every lick, kiss, nip brought intense pleasure. As he explored her body, her hand sought out his hardness. Grasping him in her hand, she felt the rumble of his moan on her skin. The moisture was already gathering at his tip and she brushed her thumb over him. He broke his kiss and gave a low moan as she moved her hand slowly up and down his iron hard shaft.

"Elia," he said breathlessly as his lips returned to her skin.

His hips jerked against her hand. If he would tease her, she would tease him.

Quickly releasing him, she caught the hair at the back of his head as he sucked her nipple hard.

"No more games, please," she begged as his thumb brushed against her lace panties before returning to her breasts. There was no response, but his hands dropped away from her breasts. He tucked his thumbs to the sides of her panties tugged them down as she lifted her hips. The underwear was tossed and his lips claimed hers again with a feeling that hadn't been there before. It didn't even matter what happened outside, nothing else mattered. All she could think about was him and being together. His lips trailed back over the trails on her skin that he'd made. Her fingertips traveled his skin and moan as his lips trailed wet kisses down her flat stomach.

Laying in the center of the bed, Elia clutched the covers as his warm breath drew closer to her wetness. Her legs fell apart for him easily. The first flicks of his tongue against her wet folds had her crying silently in pleasure. Each stroke sent shock waves to her system as she began to climb the cliff. His fingers had parted her soft lips and the tip of his tongue flicked against her dewy pearl with a little more pressure each time. The low flame that had started in her lower abdomen was building to a raging fire. Her body tingled as Barba's tongue relentlessly touched her. Heart racing, she clutched the back of his shoulders as he held down her hips. All it took was him sucking her clit and Elia fell off the side of the cliff into a toe curling orgasm that had her seeing stars.

"Ah!" she cried out over and over as her nails dug into the skin of his shoulder. Wave after wave of pleasure hit and she could barely breath as her senses fell into overload. Her eyes rolled back in her head. If it was possible to faint from an orgasm, she was sure she was close. Panting, she opened her eyes as she felt him cover her body with his. Leaning back on her elbows, Elia watched him root around the bedside drawer for a condom. Taking himself in hand and slipping the condom on, he lined himself up with her wetness. Watching him push the tip of his hardness into her drove her insane with desire and she gasped at the feeling. Her head and body fell back with a moan onto the bed and met his gaze. Barba balanced himself over her on his elbows and his skin was damp.

"Rafael," she murmured.

Saying his name was the only encouragement he needed. With one swift thrust, his manhood was buried deep in her. He felt wonderful inside her and her nails trailed down his back. His eyes closed and he dropped his head to the covers next to her.

"Just give me a minute," he said in a strained voice.

It was only a few seconds, but it felt like time had stopped. Wrapping her legs round his lean waist, Elia gasped at the feeling when he began rocking his hips. There were no words to explain how wonderful it felt as he moved. The sound of his heavy breathing in her ear and the slow motion of his hips already had started her back up the climb to the cliff. With each thrust, he was rougher and she liked it. Barba grunted as he grasped her hands and pinned them above her head to stop her from moving. He had her just where he wanted her and each noise he made only drove her crazy further.

The sounds of his skin hitting hers…his sounds of pleasure…her own moans as his hand let go of her hand and she rubbed her clit…

Time was neither here nor there as she desperately clung to him. Each wave of growing pleasure was hitting her harder than the last wave. That wonderful, tingling, mind-blowing feeling grew with each thrust. Arching her back and neck, Elia clenched her eyes shut and as the pressure built and suddenly, she fell off the cliff…

Her cries of pleasure carried through the room and must have been all Barba needed. He gave a few thrusts and tensed above her, his low groan of release stirred her and she pressed her lips to his neck. Every muscle in his body was rigid as she held onto him for dear life. Elia wasn't sure how much time passed as they laid together, but she didn't want to move. His body against her was all she wanted and feeling of his breathing returning to normal somehow made her smile. That she could make him come undone like he had...

He kissed her ear as she ran her finger tips across his damp skin.

"How can being with you be so wrong when I've never felt so whole in my entire life?" she whispered touching the back of his neck. Barba moved to lie next to her and she curled up with him. His fingers traced patterns over the side of her ribs and she closed her eyes and smiled.

The feeling was so good.

"I suppose we'll have to tell you mother that you'll no longer be suffering through dates because you'll be with me," Barba murmured a few minutes later and she laughed.

She couldn't help it because it had been such a long time since she'd felt that she could laugh openly about such a silly thing.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Next chapter will include Olivia and the gang! More background will be given! See you soon!**

 **Leave a review!**

 **[EDITED AUGUST 4, 2016]**


	2. I: Candles

**Author's Note:**

 **This chapter covers season fourteen episodes 3,6,8. Some pieces of dialogue has been paraphrased or reworked from some of these episodes. I own nothing and make no profit. Thank you to all who have left a review! Thank you also to all those who liked or followed this story or myself! All reviews will have a response at the end of the chapter!**

 **Thank you!**

 **H4TH**

* * *

14x3, 14x6, 14x8

 **Part I**

"… _Blow out all the candles, blow out all the candles_

" _You're too old to be so shy," he says to me so I stay the night_

 _Just a young heart confusing my mind, but we're both in silence_

 _Wide-eyed, both in silence_

 _Wide-eyed, like we're in a crime scene…"_

~ "Candles" – Daughter

 _FOURTEEN YEARS LATER_

 _August 29, 2014…_

Olivia Benson sat opposite Rafael Barba in the private exam room of New York Presbyterian Hospital. The doctor palpated his neck looking for any signs of trauma. Barba's phone had vibrated twice already and Olivia finally reached for it when it vibrated a third time. The name 'Elia' was on the screen along with a picture of a blonde haired woman. Her eyes were doe eyed and blue, with sharp cheek bones, pale pink lips that were turned up into a smile and showed a dimple in her cheek. The first time she'd met Barba, Olivia had caught the silver band on his ring finger, but hadn't commented on it. The only person to directly ask Barba about being married had been Jocelyn Paley and Barba had been quick to shut her down…

 _...Jocelyn Paley looked at him with annoyance and Olivia could sense that she wasn't happy to meet Barba, but if they wanted a conviction, Barba was the man to get it. She'd read about his work and Fin had worked once or twice with Barba while he'd been in Narcotics._

" _Did you and Adam Cain have any contact before the show?" Barba asked as he rolled a pen between his thumb and index finger. They were seated in the far side of his office at an elegant circular wood table with papers laid out everywhere. Jocelyn looked nervous to see all the dark wooden book shelves with books as wide as a person's hand and expensive looking fixtures, but Olivia knew that Barba's office was modest compared to others. There were no personal items in the room except what appeared to be a small picture frame of a woman on the bookshelf behind his desk at the other end of the room. Everything else was open files, paperwork, and a small Mac Book was opened on the desk._

" _No," Jocelyn answered confidently despite her nervous demeanor._

" _And after the show, he asked you out?"_

" _Yes," she answered both looking and sounding anxious. "I've gone over all of this before."_

" _I'm sorry, Jocelyn, but this is a part of the process," Olivia said calmly, trying to soothe the woman's nerves. Barba was intimidating, but she doubted that he did it intentionally. Something told Olivia that he was simply like this all the time._

" _I have to know everything about you. Not just you and Cain, but your whole history. Everything, Miss Paley, because the one thing that you leave out is the one thing that the defense will use against you and destroy this case and any chance we have at convicting Mr. Cain," Barba said honestly as he leaned forward in the chair and rested his elbows on the table. "You may not like me when we're done."_

" _I don't like you now," Jocelyn snapped and Olivia could sense that Barba wasn't impressed. "I'm amazed that someone actually married you. You seem like a bully."_

" _You're honest."_

" _You never answered me."_

" _I don't have to," Barba said sharply. "Don't make this personal, Miss Paley."_

" _Why not talk about you? You're going to invade my privacy." Jocelyn snapped with annoyance. "Why shouldn't I invade yours?"_

" _We're here to talk about your personal life, not mine. My wife has nothing to do with this case and is irrelevant to the conversation that we're trying to have. Now, your honesty will go a long way in convincing a jury to believe in your side. Let's get these questions out of the way."_

 _Olivia sat back and watched Barba grill the girl on everything as if he were cross examining her at trial. Jocelyn's cases was high profile, but the longer Barba spoke, the more confident Olivia felt that they could win against Adam Cain…_

The phone stopped buzzing and became quiet. A short while later, the doctor pronounced that Barba was alright and free to leave. He'd be sore for the next few days, but there was nothing wrong. Barba stripped off his tie and stuffed the silk into his jacket pocket before standing up. Olivia handed back the phone to him and watched as he stuffed it into his pocket without looking.

"Someone was trying to get a hold of you."

"Elia?" Barba questioned and Olivia nodded. He sighed as he opened the door and walked out of the exam room. The hallway wasn't busy and as Olivia turned, she saw Fin walking towards them with a petite woman at his side. Olivia recognized her from the picture on Barba's phone. She was dressed just as well as Barba in a black knee length dress, tan trench coat, and high heeled shoes. Her arms were crossed over her chest and when she approached them, she looked less than amused.

"Next time that you have an overwhelming need to be choked by someone, just ask," she snarked at Barba with a mixed expression of fury and worry on her face. "I would happily accommodate you, counselor."

A small smirk crept onto Barba's face, "Assaulting an A.D.A or D.A. is illegal."

"No, it would be domestic violence between us."

"Which is also illegal," he pointed out and Olivia had a suspicion that Barba was enjoying pushing the woman's buttons.

"Marriage to you could be considered unlawful imprisonment. If I remember correct, that's also illegal."

Fin barked a laugh, "His belt tactic won the case, Elia. Don't be too hard him."

"He could have done serious damage, Rafael," Elia said in all seriousness with worry evident all over her face as the fury faded away. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Could you both give us a moment?" Barba asked and Olivia nodded.

She walked away with Finn, but looked over her shoulder. The mood had shifted between the couple in the hallway. Elia was standing much closer than she was before and had pushed back the collar on Barba's dress shirt to look at his neck. She was speaking quickly to him and Barba looked like he was attempting to rein in his annoyance. Olivia was certain that she heard both of them speaking in Spanish with Barba reassuring Elia several times that he wasn't harmed and he wasn't in any danger.

"Elia will let him off the hook," Fin said with a smile. "Eventually…"

"How do you know each other?" Olivia asked they stopped in front of the elevators. Fin hit the down arrow and stuffed his hands into his pockets and shrugged.

"I've known her for a while. Elia is contracted to work with the NYPD. She works with a counseling firm downtown that caters to the rich and famous, but occasionally we called her during my time at narcotics."

"What'd you call her in for?"

"Elia speaks six different languages," Fin said with a grin. "We'd bring in a Russian mobster and she'd listen the whole time. Tell what the gangsters were holding back when they spoke to their lawyers in Russian. She's also a good listener. It's hard being undercover for months on end and I know plenty of guys were assigned to her for therapy by the NYPD. She's good, Liv. I happen to consider her a good friend."

"So, you knew all along about exactly the kind of prosecutor Barba is? It would have been nice to know about him before taking Jocelyn to see him. He was hard on her."

"She lied to him," Fin defended. "Can you really blame him for being tough? You want something done, Liv, you gotta go to one of them to do it for you. A.D.A. Barba…he's got a big brass ego, but he gets the prosecutions that you need."

* * *

Elia sat in bed with the pillows stacked behind her and a book regarding bootlegging in New York during the twenties open in her lap. She could clearly see Barba in the en suite bathroom applying some peppermint oil to his neck to help with the aching that he'd told her he'd been feeling since after dinner. The doctor had prescribed painkillers to him, but Barba refused to use it. Elia had tucked the prescription bottle away in a drawer for later when someone would need them.

She couldn't decide if she was angry at him or annoyed. Rafael had always been his own person in the courtroom. She'd seen him once or twice in action and she knew that he commanded a presence. It was why defense attorneys and fellow prosecutors hated and loved him. There was a reason why he'd climbed the latter in the D.A.'s office so quickly, why the D.A. always called him first. Rafael tried and often won the difficult cases that others walked away from. Some people were addicted to adrenaline rushes and Elia was certain that Rafael was addicted to winning. With his competitive nature, he was made to be a lawyer. She loved him, and everything about him, but sometimes she felt let down by him. It was a feeling that was occurring more and more.

They'd be married eleven years in a few months and she couldn't help but feel like all the plans that they'd talked about when they were engaged had disappeared and been swallowed whole by the D.A.'s office in many ways. Some things she couldn't complain about. Their brownstone had been gifted to them at their reception by her grandfather. It had been a gift that neither Elia nor Rafael had expected. They'd been living in the brownstone since they had become engaged and her grandfather had simply given it to them, paid in full as a gift. They owed no money on the house and it had been overwhelming to realize that they had a home that was theirs. Both their careers had been successful, but Elia had wished for more.

She wanted a husband who didn't work six days a week and spent Sunday afternoons holed up in his office. She didn't mind seeing the people that Rafael helped. She was proud of him for putting criminals away. Elia truly was, but what she really wanted was a family. Hell, she just wanted sex at the end of the day. Sex that didn't feel…mechanical…and didn't make her feel lonelier afterwards than she already felt. Inside, she was unhappy and jealous of co-workers, friends, strangers…people that gushed about their happiness and unknowingly rubbed salt in an open wound.

They had both agreed before they got married that they both wanted a family. He'd laughingly said four children so that everyone had a playmate, but whenever she brought it up he always said that it wouldn't be a good time for them. Children needed time and attention and he was certain that neither of them could do that. She'd argued that even if she quit working to be a stay at home mother, they'd be more than alright. Between her and Emilio's trust fund that he'd left behind to Rafael, the interest generated nearly five times what she and him made between the two of them in a year. Her argument was logically sound and yet, Rafael would always change the subject. Something about having children spooked him, she realized and it made her wonder if he'd ever really wanted children.

Had he simply said those things to get her to marry him?

At thirty-two, she was ready to have a family and she was tired of smiling at co-workers or friends when they asked her to hold their babies or showed her their latest ultrasound picture. She wanted to decorate the refrigerator with her children's artwork instead of sticky notes passed between her and Rafael about mundane topics like what was for dinner or when the other person would be home. She felt stalled in their marriage and she truly loved Rafael, but she wasn't happy. After thinking and journaling about everything, after a year she could admit to herself that she wasn't happy in her marriage.

Today was just another example of feeling disconnected from her husband. The fact that Rafael had allowed his defendant to put a belt around his throat had scared her, but it also made her realize that they didn't communicate. He hadn't told her about his plans and she was hurt that he didn't think to mention it to her. He didn't think to tell her about something that could have potentially caused serious harm. It made her feel like he didn't care about her feelings. Yes, she knew that the conviction was important, but so was telling one's spouse about what they planned to do so the person wasn't blindsided and put into a panic.

The sound of a watch being placed on the nightstand next to the bed drew her out of her thoughts as she turned to look at Rafael in his white t-shirt and blue cotton pajama pants. The watch that Lucille Barba and his Abuelita had gotten for him after his graduation from Law School was ticking and the light reflected off the silver metal as he pulled back the down comforter on his side.

"How's your neck?" Elia asked, closing her book and slipping it into the nightstand drawer.

"Sore, but I'll live," Rafael stated, situating himself in the bed beside her.

"I wish you would have told me," she said after a moment of gathering her courage. "It stupid of you to do that, Rafael. What if he didn't let go and killed you?"

"He didn't and I got the man convicted."

"He could have hurt you," Elia told him again with a frown. "He's not…normal."

"Elia," he said in a tone that sounded like he was running out of patience. "I'm not going to argue with you over this. It's done and over. There's no point in arguing about something that already happened. Nothing horrible happened and I'm fine."

"So, I have no say when you put yourself in harm's way like that? At least promise me that if you're going to do something reckless and stupid that you'll tell me. Do you know what it was like to get a call from Fin Tutuola telling me that they had taken you to the hospital on the orders of a judge to make sure that you were alright?"

"Elia, it's late."

"Fine," she snapped as he shut his nightstand light off. "I won't say anymore about the topic, but did you call Catalina today?" she asked, already knowing that he hadn't. Catalina had called her earlier in the day, wondering when her grandson was going to call her back from a call that she'd made a week ago. Turning her bedside light off, Elia heard his long exhale as the darkness surrounded them.

"I'll call her first thing in the morning," he murmured. "She needs to get a new apartment or something. She'll fall down those steps someday and break her neck."

Elia bit her lip at the mention of necks and nodded. She felt Rafael turn over so that his back was towards her and that feeling of loneliness that she'd been battling for the last year burrowed deeper inside her. There had once been a time when she and Rafael had never stopped touching each other. It didn't matter when or where they'd been, if they other needed the person, they'd simply give in. Kisses, hand holding…she couldn't count the number of times she'd screwed him in the kitchen on the marble countertops or on the leather sofa in his home office.

Now, Thursday nights felt mechanical when they had sex and the last year had been filled with faked orgasms on her part. Nothing seemed to help her and it was something she didn't even feel like she could talk to Rafael about. He seemed so distant and all the problems that she felt between them…it made her wonder if he felt them too or if she was the only one between them that was so unhappy. The street light from outside shined into their bedroom through the thin curtains. Staring at the light, it was several hours before she finally was able to relax enough to fall into a fitful sleep that always left her feeling tired the next morning.

* * *

 _September 6, 2014…_

Sitting outside under a table with an umbrella to shield her from the hot sun, Elia smiled when she saw Fin walking down the sidewalk to her. He leaned down to kiss her cheek and she hugged him. She'd known the detective a long time and she'd been someone to help keep his head clear during his months undercover. Even after Fin had transferred out of narcotics, they still got the occasional lunch and coffee together. She was proud of him for all that he'd accomplished and sometimes it felt like Fin was one of the few people in the world that she could rely on to talk with.

"I was surprised when you called for coffee so early in the morning," she said as she kissed his cheeks back.

"You're my favorite shrink and I couldn't possibly miss a chance to see you," Fin grinned as he sat down across from her. "How's work?"

"Work is work," Elia admitted with a forced smile. "I get paid by wealthy people to listen to them complain for an hour about their cheating husbands, unwanted children, mistress…it's all rather depressing after awhile. No one wants to improve their lives, they just want to complain and go back to it. I miss getting to work with you in narcotics. It was the highlight of my weeks going in and translating for you guys."

Fin nodded as a waitress came over with a menus and cups of coffee, "We did do some good there. I'll call you when we need a translator, I promise. Or maybe I'll call when your husband is finally ready to strangle, Liv."

Accepting the Cuban coffee that the waitress brought along with the menu, Elia shook her head and looked across at Fin.

"Rafael did enjoy getting to work with your unit," she said half-knowing that the statement was probably true. "He seemed thrilled to get to build a case and present it. I don't think I've seen him so excited since the case of the two Johns who raped that prostitute."

"Yeah, I think that he'll be a great A.D.A for SVU. I'm gonna get the cream cheese Danish. You?"

"A bagel," Elia said setting the menu aside, "Can I tell you something, Fin?"

"You know I've got your back," he told her as a serious expression came over his face. "You've always held my confidence and listened when no one else would. You don't even need to ask, Elia."

Swallowing, she moved around in her wicker seat until she was comfortable and sighed.

"I don't know what happening to my life," she began as she twisted her wedding band and diamond ring around her finger in a nervous habit. "I was happy at one point and this past year…I've never felt so lonely, Fin. Rafael, he's a dog with a bone when he gets a case. I admire his dedication, but I want to have someone to spend time with. He works long hours, goes in on Saturdays, and works Sundays after church. I just feel stalled in my life and I don't know what to do. I didn't know that Rafael was even going to let Adam Cain choke him with a belt until you called me."

"He didn't tell you?" Fin asked not looking surprised at all.

"No, we don't talk about anything."

"Okay. What do you talk about with him then?"

"The weather, which person we're going to vote for in the upcoming election," Elia said with a wave of her hand and rolled her eyes. "We talk about nothing important anymore, Fin, expect his grandmother and her declining health."

"How's she doin'? Catalina is her name, right?"

"Yeah, Lucille and Rafael are trying to convince her to move into an assisted living facility and she doesn't want to. Not that I blame her. If you tried to send me there, I'd ask you to put a bullet in the back of my head first."

Fin grinned and chuckled, "I wouldn't mind having someone take care of me. Knowing you, you're not sending her to a dump."

"No, but I'm not gonna force an old woman to do something that she doesn't want to do just for convenience's sake. I agree that she can't live in the Bronx anymore, but she's seventy and if you wanna know where my husband gets his iron will and stubbornness from, look no further than Catalina Diaz."

"And you like the old woman?"

"She's like a grandmother to me, Fin," Elia admitted sadly. "When my mother died two years ago…she was supportive and loving and everything that my mother wasn't. I just can't send her off to a place that she doesn't want to be."

"And you're lonely?" Fin asked again. "Why not offer to let her move-in with you and Barba? I know for a fact that the six bedroom townhouse you and him have has more than enough space for a little old lady."

Elia looked at him with wide eyes.

She hadn't thought about that solution and she doubted that Rafael or Lucille had either. It could work and it could help her deal with the loneliness she was feeling. Rafael would probably kill her, but it could work. She would finally have a reason to drop the amount of hours that she worked at the downtown office she worked at and Catalina would be diverting company when she was alone. Selling it to Rafael wouldn't be difficult. She knew that he constantly felt guilty about not taking better care of his mother and grandmother and by taking Catalina in, it would appeal to that guilt and decrease the amount that he was feeling.

Smiling at Fin, Elia took a sip from her coffee and began to make a mental plan of how exactly she was going to approach the whole situation.

"How's your case about that missing teenage girl going?" she asked, changing the subject. "Isn't her name Emily?"

* * *

 _September 20, 2014…_

Elia walked up the six flights of steps to the apartment and her feet were screaming at her to stop. It had been several weeks since her bed conversation with Rafael and her coffee date with Fin. Rafael had done as he promised and called his grandmother, but it had only ended in frustration for everyone. Catalina Diaz was refusing to move into an assisted living facility that both Lucille and Rafael had arranged. In theory, the plan was perfect except that it had been thwarted by a stubborn old lady.

Elia wasn't visiting because she had to, but because she hoped that she could convince Catalina to move in with her and Rafael like Fin had suggested. She had planted the idea in Lucille head over a late lunch and it had grown. From the looks that Rafael had given her over dinner with his mother, Elia suspected that he knew she was behind Lucille's shift in ideas, but Rafael hadn't confronted her about it. He hadn't said a word about the whole scheme except to acknowledge that all he cared about was getting Catalina out of the Bronx death trap that she lived in before she fell and hurt herself. That was all he'd said and since then, his whole focus was occupied by the case of the missing girl.

Emily had been recovered and reunited with her family and Rafael was working furiously so that the defendant would be put away for life. He was distracted by the case and Elia believed it was the perfect time to spring her trap so that Rafael couldn't refuse his grandmother. She was strong arming him and possibly sandbagging him last minute, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Reaching the landing where Catalina Diaz lived, Elia knocked on the door before taking her key out and unlocking it.

"Hello?" she called out and smiled when Catalina came around the corner with a happy grin on her face. Closing and locking the door behind her, Elia smiled and pressed a kiss to Catalina's cheek. The old woman smelt like what Elia imagined a grandmother to smell like, warmth and love.

"You haven't been by to see me in a while," Catalina chastised with a smile. "Come, I'll make some tea and you can tell me how to convince your crazy husband that I'm not moving out of this apartment."

Going into the small, cramped kitchen, Elia sat down on one of the mismatched chairs. Catalina moved around the kitchen and quickly prepared two cups of tea.

"You look unhappy, carino," Catalina smiled as she sat down across from Elia and pushed the mug towards her. "You smile, but your eyes look unwell."

"I'm just very busy," Elia returned and she smiled warmly at the woman she thought of as her own grandmother.

"My grandson is being difficult, isn't he?" Catalina said knowingly with a nod of her head. "He was around last week, trying to convince me to move out of my home that I've lived in for forty years. He and his mother both want me to move into an assisted living facility that smells like they're cooking skunk for dinner."

Elia laughed, "It did smell like that! Rafael thought that I was crazy, but I feel better now knowing that I wasn't the only one who smelt that. I told him, but he thought I was being silly. If anyone knows how to out maneuver your grandson, it's you."

"Sending Rafael to Harvard was a good and bad thing. They taught him how to strong arm me. He's not under my thumb like he used to be when he was a little boy," Catalina sighed and Elia knew that she was going to begin talking about babies. "Why don't you and him have a family yet? You'll be married eleven years soon and nothing to show for it."

"It's not for a lack of trying," Elia said with a forced smile as she wrapped her hands around the warm coffee mug. "Rafael and I just don't think that it's the right time. We want to make sure that it is the right time to start a family."

"Mi querido, there is no such thing as a right time to have a family. You'll have to tell my grandson that he's a…what do you call it...control freak?"

"Just a little, but I do want to talk to you about moving. Not to an assisted living home, but in with us," Elia explained quickly. "I want you to come live with me and Rafael. I know that he loves you and he would never forgive himself if something were to happen to you. Besides, I would be there with you and to be honest, I need the company."

"Company?" Catalina asked with a raised brow.

"Rafael…he works a lot, Abuelita. He works long hours and I'm alone more than I used to be. I would love to be with you. I promise that you won't regret it. You'll have your space and a large kitchen that Rafael never uses or me for that matter. You wouldn't have to worry about anything, but please think about it."

Catalina looked at her and an expression that Elia couldn't read came over the older woman's face. Elia sensed something wasn't right and she reached out a hand.

"What is it, Abuelita?"

Catalina held her hand and gently patted it, "Rafael's father was around yesterday."

Elia felt her blood go cold. She'd met Juan Barba twice in her life and both times left her mystified that such a good man like Rafael could be fathered by such a piece of scum. The man had all kinds of problems including drinking, gambling, and drugs. Twice, he'd robbed Catalina until Rafael made certain to move out anything of value. Most of Catalina's valuables were at home in her jewelry armoire. Rafael had even removed most of Lucille's valuables as well. Although his parents had been separated for twenty years, Lucille couldn't bring herself to go against the church and petition for a divorce.

"What did he want? Did he hurt you?"

"No, no, nothing like that," Catalina said with a wave of her hand. "He was just looking for more money."

Elia let out a sigh and shook her head, "How much did he take?"

"My check for the month and the few hundred dollars I'd stuffed into my mattress."

Squeezing the old woman's hand, Elia gave her a forced smile.

"If you came and lived with us, Abuelita, this would ever happen again. Rafael would not even let Juan in the door. They've never gotten along and I know that you should tell Raffie about this. He'd want to know."

Catalina waved her hands, "I shouldn't have told you. It's nothing that I can't handle."

Elia sighed and made a mental note to go to the bank and withdraw money from their accounts and have it placed in Catalina's. Rafael had made certain to link Catalina's accounts with theirs for cases like this when she needed money. Catalina began speaking quickly in Spanish and Elia found an easy rhythm listening to the older woman tell her all about the school children that she was teaching to read in the building.

* * *

Barba stood looking at Benson and Rollins, he wasn't in the mood to deal with theories. Elia was hiding something from him, he could feel it. She had a horrible poker face and she'd been quieter than usual the past few days. He sensed that it probably had something to do with him. The past few months he'd noted her quiet demeanor and he was worried. She didn't look happy and he was at a loss of how to approach her. Elia was good at fixing people and confronting issues, he wasn't unless it involved the law. Trying to focus on the graphic that Benson and Rollins had painstakingly made while waiting for him to return from court, Barba stuffed his hands into the pockets of his black dress pants as his phone vibrated. He ignored it and looked at the two women expectantly as they continued.

"Lassiter wasn't an isolated predator," Amanda said as he stood in the room the two women had taken over next to his office. "We're looking at decades of sexual abuse, dozens of victims, Barba. More are coming forward every day, counselor."

"At least four of the teachers were serial abusers," Olivia added. "All this happened under the previous headmaster."

"Terrific graphic work," he snarked, mildly impressed, but still annoyed. "Any of this happened in the last five years?"

"No," Olivia said looking tired.

"Any victims under the age of twenty-three?"

"No, but we've got—"

"Okay," he interrupted as his phone vibrated in his pocket signaling a text message. "Different states have different statues. Did any of this take place on a field trip or a sports road trip? Virginia? Massachusetts?"

His phone vibrated for a third time and he took it out. Elia was calling him after having texted him that it was important that they talk.

"You ever think about going off caffeine?" Rollins asked with a raised brow.

"That'd be a no," Barba replied before putting the phone to his ear.

"I found a solution to where Abuelita should stay," she said before he could say hello.

"What?" he asked feeling confused as he looked at the two detectives watching him closely.

"Just hear me out, Rafael," she continued sounding slightly breathless as she walked to her destination. "She won't go to the assisted living home, but I invited her to live with us. She seemed really happy with the idea and said she'd think about."

"Elia," he groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You wanted her out of the death trap apartment and she wants to be close to her family, Rafael. It's the perfect compromise and you know it," she continued sounding almost gleeful. "Just think about it, please? It could be a great thing for everyone. She promised to think about it over the next two months and make a decision. That's when her lease is up and she can either renew it or opt out. I have to go. I'll be late to an appointment if I don't hurry. Promise to think about it?"

The hopeful tone in her voice was coupled by the image he created in his head of her staring at him with big, blue eyes that he had difficultly saying no to.

"I promise to think about it," he said, knowing that his mother, grandmother, and wife were about to play him."Te amo, Elia."

She disconnected the call without a word and he slipped his cellphone back into his pocket.

"Is everything alright, counselor?" Olivia asked with a curious expression on her face.

"My wife can sandbag a person better than most lawyers," Barba said as he walked towards the board that had been created. "I probably created a monster at some point and today that monster bit me. So, why are you here again?"

"If you'd let us finish…" Amanda sighed looking exceptionally putout. He smiled and nodded at the two detectives.

"By all means, continue. It's not like I have anything else I need to be doing today."

"The systemic abuse," Olivia continued, ignoring his sarcastic comment. "It's highly unlikely that none of the staff at the school didn't know about the abuse happening to the student."

"Highly unlikely is a long way from reasonable doubt. Have you been to the school?"

"They were less than welcoming," Amanda said. "We had to get names and yearbooks from a friend of Fin's."

"Back up," Barba murmured as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Lassiter hanged himself…are any of the others still working?"

"Morton did teach until a few years ago," Olivia said with a smile. "It is possible that his abuse falls within the statues of limitations."

"If he did abuse students, he won't admit it," Barba said somberly. "Schools like this…there's a culture of secrecy and self-preservation, I've seen it before, Olivia. You'll need heavy artillery to break down the walls and the truth will be more horrifying than you can imagine."

Staring at the board, Barba felt a chill come over him. The case was already reminding him of the rapes he'd heard about at Harvard during his school years. The Frat parties that he'd practically forbidden Elia going anywhere near once they'd started dating at the night he'd made love to her were notorious for covering up rapes.

He could vividly recall her last semester at Harvard when she'd had a class that ended at 9:30 on a Friday night. She'd waited for him in the brightly lit atrium of the Psychology building. The building that wasn't too far from the parking lot, but in order to reach the parking lot, she'd have to pass frat houses that didn't care that 'no meant no'. He'd pick her up and together they'd drive back to his apartment for the weekend.

Benson told Rollins to go on ahead, but she lingered. Sitting down in the chair, he looked at the board as she sat down next to him.

"Sandbagged, huh?"

He couldn't help the small smile that came to his face, "Elia is good at knowing when to pass on less than desirable information. She learned it from years of living with two parents who were disappointed in having a girl instead of a boy. If you want to know anything about these kinds of schools, go to her. She was sent to boarding school before going to Harvard."

"And you?"

"I went to a private Catholic school in the Bronx," Barba smiled. "My mother and grandmother were both teachers and they pushed me. If it wasn't for them…I don't know what I'd be doing. I certainly wouldn't be sitting here."

"We have to catch these guys."

"Olivia, I can't change the laws," he said quietly. "If there is no case to prosecute, I can't prosecute it. It's that simple."

"We'll find the evidence."

* * *

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 **sassa001:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad that you're excited:) More is on the way!

 **VampirePrincess11:** Thanks for the review! Agreed! Barba does need someone:)

 **MrsChilton:** Thank you! I'm glad that you liked Elia and the chapter! I was worried about where to start, but I think it worked out perfectly in the end! More is on the way! Thanks for the review!

 **marina2351:** Thank you for the review! I agree that it's hard to find good Barba fics and I just felt compelled to write one myself! More is on the way!:)

* * *

 **I did keep Barba's father alive for a reason and Abuelita will play an important role in chapters to come!:) Please leave a review! They make me happy and I love hearing what you think about the characters, situations, and so on...**


	3. II: This Is What Makes Us Girls

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you again to everyone who left a review! We have ten favorites, twenty-three followers, and over 500 views! You guys are awesome! Again some of the material in the chapters, you will recognize from the show such as cases and situations, but it may have been changed. I own nothing and make no profit from the story! Thank you to all who left a review! Thank you to all who liked and/or followed the story! All reviews will have a response at the end of the chapter!**

 **Thank you!**

 **H4TH**

* * *

14x11, 14x12, 14x16

 **Part II**

"… _This is what makes us girls_

 _We all look for heaven and we put our love first_

 _Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse_

 _Don't cry about it, don't cry about it_

 _We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first_

 _Don't cry about him, don't cry about him…"_

~ "This Is What Makes Us Girls" – Lana Del Rey

 _October 1, 2014…_

Elia sat in the nook of their kitchen and wrapped her hands around the hot mug of Cuban coffee that she'd made. It was raining outside and it had been for three days straight. A book was sitting on the table, something was happening with different jurisdictions and it sounded like a massive headache when Fin had tried to explain it to her. Now, some new case had come up involving a gay man who was possibly assaulting other gay men. She didn't know what was happening, all she'd known was that a week ago, her husband had gotten a call from Benson that he was needed at the precinct.

Elia rested her head on the glass window and watched each rain drop fall down. She felt a hand gently touch her shoulder and she lifted her head. Barba had changed from his running gear into a three piece suit and looked like he'd showered.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up this morning," he said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. "I wanted to get a run in before I leave for court."

"You're here now," Elia said with a forced smile. "In time for breakfast and I was thinking about pancakes, want some?"

He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. Elia closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation of his warm, firm lips and the spicy after-shave that he wore. She couldn't remember the last time that he'd kissed like he was kissing her now. Putting the mug of coffee down, Elia wrapped her arms around his neck and threaded her fingers into his hair. The familiar sensation of liquid fire being ignited between her thighs was addicting. Just as she was hoping for more, he pulled back and pressed a second, quick kiss to her lips.

"I have to go to court this morning," he told her softly as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Elia wanted to hit him. He could sense her displease and kissed her again.

"How about dinner tonight?" he whispered in her ear when he pulled away. "You and me, a nice cozy restaurant…"

"I think that I can agree to that," Elia said with a smile. "You should go so you're not late."

* * *

"It's called spousal privilege. The idea is to protect and strengthen the sacred bond of marriage, assuming that these two men are legally married," he explained to the two detectives. "What do we know?"

"How the hell does that even work?" Amaro scoffed. "I mean, obviously the Mason knows something."

Barba stopped and looked at the detectives, "If Elia and I were tried for something, she and I can't incriminate the other or be required to provide the content of private conversations that take place between the two of us. Spousal privilege would protect us in that hypothetical scenario. So, what do we know about the marriage?"

"They were married in Provincetown," Olivia said. "We know that for sure."

"By whom? How long ago? Did they use their legal names? Maybe I can dance through a loophole or two," Barba continued as Benson looked at him with intrigue all over her face. "What? This makes you uncomfortable?"

"No, I wanna catch this guy as much as you do. You're Catholic, right?" Benson said as they crossed the road to the courthouse. "Fin told me that you and Elia attend church every Sunday with your mother and grandmother. I'm just wondering if you would challenge a straight marriage like this."

"If I thought the husband was good for a murder? Yes. I'd cross examine the priest who married them," Barba snarked with a grin. "Hell, I'd cross-examine my wife and mother if I thought that it could get a murderer convicted."

"I'll say prayers for your wife," Amaro chuckled. "God bless her."

"Find me more evidence and I'll get the conviction."

* * *

Benson opened the door to the uptown restaurant that Barba's assistant had admitted to him being at. She spotted Elia Barba sitting with her back towards the door. She wore a dark blue dress that had capped sleeves. Making her way towards the couple, she saw Barba spot her and lean back in his chair.

"Hello," Olivia said, feeling slightly awkward for interrupting their dinner. They were nicely dress and she felt slightly out of place.

"Detective Benson," Elia replied with a friendly smile on her face. "Would you like to sit down and join us?"

"Thank you," she answered, pulling out the third chair and sitting.

"How'd you find us?" Barba asked.

"The scotch," Olivia smiled as Elia chuckled.

"What can I help you with, Detective?" Barba asked and she could tell that he wanted her gone. Knowing Barba's hours, Olivia imagined that a dinner out with his wife was a rare thing.

"We had no luck on the female victims," Oliva said as Barba hummed in agreement. "We tracked down a woman who practically invited and offered to pay Jones for sex, but he declined her. So, all we have are the male victims who are reluctant to come forward."

Elia picked up her glass of wine and swirled it around in her glass, "Well, I win. Have a drink, Olivia. I haven't won anything in a long time."

Barba grinned dabbed his napkin across his mouth before putting on the table, "You say that like its bad news, Detective."

Olivia looked between Elia and Barba, "I'm missing something, Barba. You asked my team to go looking for something to bump up the charges."

"Jones walked away from a woman that he could have robbed. That means he only goes after gay men," Barba said as a waiter took away the empty plate that Barba had finished. Elia waved the waiter off and continued to pick at her half eaten plate.

"We kinda figured that, didn't we? I mean, all the victims have been men."

"Yes, but now you know it," Elia said. "You can prove that he profiles them and targets them."

"So, how do you win again?" Olivia asked with confusion.

"Elia was convinced that you'd show up," Barba answered before taking a sip of his scotch.

"And you did," Elia grinned. "Now, I get to skip out on Sunday brunch dishes for the next month."

Olivia turned and looked back at Barba, "Why is figuring out that he profiles gay men important?"

"We knew that, but now we can prove it. That makes everything that he's done a hate crime."

Olivia looked ready to protest, but Barba continued, "I use the hate crime statute and all the penalties get bumped up. I can put Jones away for extra years."

Olivia looked at Elia, who looked just as confused as she felt.

"You're gonna argue in court that a gay man, who is married to another man, profiled gay men, went after them, committed sex crimes, and hates gays?" Oliiva asked with a quirked eye brow. "Barba, I think that is a leap at best."

"I agree with Olivia," Elia murmured. "That's a leap, Rafael."

* * *

It was late in the evening when Elia wandered downstairs. She could hear Rafael's smooth voice on the telephone. The conversation was coming to an end when she leaned against the door frame of his home office. She wore a light cotton robe and a nightgown that ended mid-thigh, she'd been hoping to finish what Barba had started earlier in the evening, she wanted to be kissed and touched and she didn't care if she was on her back or her knees, she just wanted sex.

"You're still awake," he said when he looked up from his phone.

"I was hoping that you'd come up to bed. Dinner was interrupted and this morning…I was hoping that we could finish what you started."

"What I started?" Barba grinned.

"Don't make me beg," Elia snarked back. "I'm not good at begging. You know that, Raffie."

Before she could say anything else, Barba's cell phone rang again. She moved into his study and sat down on the leather couch. It was comfortable and she curled herself into the corner of it as Barba spoke quickly. Listening to his soothing voice, Elia was startled when she heard him talking about taking on extra cases from Narcotics. She looked at him with a frown, but he refused to meet her gaze.

"Yes, sir," Barba murmured. "Thank you, sir. I'll have them prepared for tomorrow afternoon."

He ended the call and put the cell phone down on the desk. He leaned back in the chair and Elia stood. Coming to stand in front of him, she watched him shuffle around a few papers until he found what he was looking for. Barba grabbed his brief cases and put several files inside for the next day before standing up and shutting off the desk lamp. The soft light from the light fixture overhead created a shadows on the wall as he moved about.

"More cases?" she asked feeling confused.

"Huffman is taking a leave of absence and the D.A. asked that I step in for the interim as A.D.A. in Narcotics," Barba explained as he tidied up his desk.

"So, you'll be prosecuting for two different units? How long, Rafael, or did O'Dwyer not tell you?"

"I don't know."

"I barely see you as it is and now you're taking on more work? Rafael—"

"Elia, the D.A. asked me personally," he said, finally looking up at her. "I can't say no."

"Just because he asks you to do it does not mean you have to say yes. He already gives you difficult cases that aren't from SVU, I know that. Rafael, please, just don't do it. We said earlier this year that in the New Year we'd get started on starting our family. You promised last year after the move from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I waited then, please, just say no to more cases. I don't ask you for much, but say no to this."

"Elia, this is just temporary," he explained and looked at her like she was fragile glass. "Maybe by the end of next year, we'll be in a position to start a family then."

Taking a step back from him, Elia felt defeated. She could see through his words and knew that they were just another excuse that he was making. Looking at the desk that was covered in papers, Elia felt hopeless. For the second time in her life, she felt utter hopelessness.

"You say that every year, Rafael," Elia said tearfully. "Every year, you say that we'll start a family soon. When is soon? I'm not like you! I have an expiration date, Rafael."

"Elia, I—"

"I'm going to be thirty-three in two months," she continued quietly. "Friends, co-workers, everyone that I know is having or had kids already. They have children. They show off their kid's art work and tell about their soccer games or their grades and I…we've been talking about starting a family for seven years, Rafael. Seven years and every year you say that it's not the right time. There's something that you're not telling me."

He sat down on the leather couch and looked up at her. She could see in his eyes that he was going to say something that she didn't like. Something that she wouldn't want to hear about their future together…she just knew.

"Elia, I'm…I'm not sure that I want children," Rafael said quietly. "I love you. I just don't know that I want to have children with you."

"Is it me or you just don't want children with anyone," she asked, feeling like he'd dumped a cold bucket of water on her and injected acid into her heart.

"It's not you, Elia. If I ever did want children it would be with you, but I don't think that I'll ever want them. It doesn't mean that I don't love you, because I do love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone."

Staring at him, Elia heard the crack of thunder outside and took a shaky breath. She wrapped her robe around her slight frame and felt tears prick the back of her eyes before falling down her cheeks.

"H-h-have you always felt this way?" she asked. "Just tell me the truth, Rafael."

She watched him standup, walk to the sideboard and pour out a glass of scotch. He swirled the dark amber liquid in the tumbler before looking up at her.

"I did want children at one point because you want children, Elia. I can't lie to you and say that I've always wanted them. I wanted them when we were younger because you wanted them, but I have to be honest with myself. I don't think I'll ever want them, Elia. I can't father a child that I don't want, no matter how much I love you."

She felt like her whole world was collapsing around her. It felt like every dream that she'd ever had was crumbling down. Rafael made his way over to her and held onto her waist to prevent her from falling down to the ground.

"So, you lied to me," she said as her voice cracked as she looked at him. "You lied to me."

"I didn't want to lose you, Elia," he whispered. "I love you. I didn't want to lose you. Please, understand…"

She ignored the sweet words of nothing he spoke to her in Spanish as he hugged her. Numbness settled over her body as she let him hold her. Somewhere, deep inside, Elia found the strength to step away from him. He tried to reach for her, but she held her arms out and stepped back.

"Don't touch me," she said shakily as tears fell down her cheeks, "Don't you ever touch me again, Rafael."

Leaving his study, Elia ignored him as he came after her. Trying to talk to her, she ignored everything that he said and closed the door to the guest room in his face and locked the door. Sliding to the floor, Elia hugged her knees to her chest and cried. She hadn't felt so hurt since Emilio's death. He'd lied to her before marrying her. He'd given her false hope and she hurt. She hurt so much and she loved him. She loved him despite everything and it made the pain that much worse.

She'd have to choose between her own dreams and the man that she loved. It was the worst possible scenario that she'd ever been in and Elia hated it. She hated it and somewhere, deep inside, she knew that she'd possibly always known the truth. She'd just let herself be blinded by hope and the wonderful euphoric feeling it gave.

* * *

Rafael sat outside the door on the hard wood floor. His back was against the wall and his legs stretched out. The soft sound of Elia sobbing tore at him. He had lied to her about being unsure of whether or not he really wanted children. God, he wanted nothing more in the world than to have a family with her. He wanted to hear the pitter patter of feet early Saturday mornings and he wanted to give his children the life that he had been forced to build for himself. He wanted to go on family trips and send them to the best schools. God, he wanted the world for them. He just didn't want them to know heartbreak and Elia didn't understand.

She'd met Juan Barba and the same violence that his father unleashed upon him and his mother was in his blood. Barba could still feel the sting of his father's belt on his thighs and back if he thought hard enough. The memories of his father beating his mother were burned into his mind. The sounds of his mother crying for Juan to stop, the memory of being a little boy and hiding under his bed, being forced to listen to the drunken rages his father unleashed…it all still haunted him at night. The fear of hurting his sons or daughters was overwhelming. It made him sick to think that the anger that Juan had could be inside him and snap at any moment.

He didn't expect Elia to understand, but he was selfish and he couldn't let her go.

He was a selfish bastard and he knew that long before he'd met her. He'd been half in love with her before he'd even realized and letting her go had never seemed possible. Now, he was certain that he'd lost her. Letting his had rest back on the wall behind him, Barba knew that he had two choices. Give in and have a family with her or let her go to find another man who'd give her what she wanted. Making Elia stay with him was cruel and he couldn't force her to sacrifice something like wanting children to be with him.

It was a no win scenario either way.

The first option Elia would throw out the door. She wouldn't even consider it after the conversation that they'd just had and the second option…it would be painful and horrible to watch her slip away. The thought of another man in her bed made him clench his fists in anger and jealousy. Elia was the only woman that he'd ever loved. He'd had relationships before her, but once he'd met her…she was it for him. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he was furious with himself for hurting her, but he wouldn't turn into the criminals her prosecuted.

He couldn't force Elia to stay with him. If she left him…he'd let her go. He'd sign the papers and he'd support her no matter what happened. Barba knew that he was jumping the gun, but a feeling in his gut told him that there was no way around the problems in front of them. They were at a fork in the road and either they went down the same path together, or they went their own separate ways and he didn't know which was worse.

* * *

 _October 17, 2014…_

Elia still wasn't speaking to him.

They'd gone to communicating through post-it notes on the refrigerator and Barba hated every second of it. Her notes were short, to the point, and he knew that no matter how many times he wrote 'Te Amo, Raffie', she wasn't going to move on from his lie of omission quickly. Elia had moved her clothing into the guest bedroom and had been sleeping there since his confession. His whole personal life felt like it was in limbo. Walking to the hotel that Micha Green was staying at, he realized that he and Elia had set a new record for how long they could go without actually saying a word to the other person.

"It's like pulling teeth with this girl," Olivia complained as they walked down the sidewalk. "She's traumatized and doesn't know the danger that she's in. All she can think about is that this guy screwed up. She's made it sound like he put the whites in with the colors while doing laundry."

Barba chuckled because he doubted that Olivia had actually done that before and been in a relationship while doing that. He'd done that once and ruined a pair of Elia's dress pants. It had two hours to convince her that it was an honest mistake and since then, there was a constant post-it note on the laundry machine to remind him how to do laundry.

"Have you ever actually been in love?" Barba asked before taking a sip from his coffee cup.

"Like 'the guy beat me up, sends me to the hospital, but he sends me chocolate and flowers so I let it slide' kind of love?" Olivia asked sarcastically. "I might not be married or anything like that, but what Caleb did, that's not love, Barba."

Barba grinned, "Yeah, I know, but she's young and thinks she's in love. We do stupid things in the beginning. I remember the first time I met Elia. It was summertime and she was swimming in her family pool. She'd just turned sixteen and I had to keep reminding myself that just because she was hot as sin in a red bikini, I couldn't touch her. She was my roommate's sister and underage. The truth is that she could have stabbed me in the chest multiple times and I wouldn't have cared. I probably still wouldn't care if she did that now. If anything, I probably deserve it."

"Trouble in paradise?" Olivia quipped with a slight smile.

"Something like that, Detective."

They crossed the street to the hotel where Micha was staying. The elevator ride up was passed in silence and when the security guard opened the door, Olivia stepped in first. A fat, balding man looked extremely annoyed as he talked on the phone to a plastic surgeon.

"Can this wait?" he demanded after telling the person on the phone that he'd call them back.

"No, it can't."

"Listen, she's gonna issue a statement through her publicist. Can't it wait until then?"

"No," Olivia said firmly again. "We need to speak with her. Now."

"Alright," the man said and he made to follow them. Olivia turned on her heel and the man nearly walked into her. Barba did his best to hide his smirk. In some ways, Olivia reminded him of Elia.

"How about you wait for us here?" Barba suggested. "It would make all our lives easier."

The man wasn't given the chance to respond. Barba followed Olivia to Micha's bedroom. The penthouse was extravagant and it only proved that the girl had no support. There were no family members around and only vultures surrounded the girl. Barba felt sorry for her, no one deserved to live like Micha was living. He followed Olivia into the room and heard the TV playing in the background. The girl was in bed, icing her cheek that was still sporting a nasty bruise from where Caleb Bryant had hit her.

"How are you feeling, Micha?" Olivia asked.

The demeanor of Micha Green changed and she gave them a nasty look as she sat up in bed. All the sympathy he'd been feeling for the girl disappeared. Elia would chastise him and tell him to be a good Catholic, but he had a hard time feeling compassion from someone who clearly didn't understand the danger they were in. Nor could he tolerate the nasty looks she'd been giving them when all they were doing was their jobs.

"You had to do this to Caleb?" she cried. "Dragging him out of the club like that for the whole world to see?"

"He did this to himself and you."

"Not according to my twitter feed," Micha snapped and Barba rolled his eyes. "They're either calling me a whore or beggin' me to forgive him."

"Those things are not known for being accurate," Oliva told her. "And I'm certain that anyone with an ounce of sense would tell you to block them because what Caleb Bryant did to you is disgusting. This is Rafael Barba. He's from the D.A.'s office."

"I'll be handling the prosecution," Barba said and Micha paled under his gaze. "Unless he pleads guilty, this will go to trial."

Micha launched into a panicked speech about not wanting to testify about what happened. Olivia tried to calm her down by asking about her family, but Micha's words confirmed all of Barba's suspicions about the girl's upbringing. Olivia asked if she could sit down and Micha allowed it, but she stared at him with suspicion. Barba didn't blame her. She'd had her face beaten and been strangled. He'd be weary of men too if he was in her shoes. For over an hour, Olivia and he talked to her about the case and managed to pry every little detail that they could about the incident. They both did their best to reassure her that they would protect her. Barba made it a point to inform Misha that he'd have a judge issue and order of protection.

It was three days later that their case fell apart.

Micha had forced him to drop all the charges. She didn't want to go to court. The girl was young and alone and Barba pitied her. He'd caught Elia watching the news earlier in the morning. She'd been standing in the living room, holding one high heeled shoe in her hand, wearing the other heel, and balancing while she held her cup of coffee. She gaze had been fixed on the news as she watched it with a small frown on her face. He'd forgotten how good she was at balancing. Years of sports and dance had toned her body and watching her stand on one foot had made him smile.

It was only when she'd caught him staring at her that her frown deepened. She'd slipped the second heel on and had turned off the TV. She'd passed him without a word and she said nothing when he called after her, telling her that he loved her and wishing her a good day. Her only response had been to pause in the process of grabbing her coat. Barba could have sworn she was going to turn around and return the sentiments, but she didn't. Elia simply slipped her coat on and grabbed her purse.

Sitting at dinner with Amaro and Olivia, Barba tried to focus on what they were saying, but it was difficult. He wanted to go home and try to speak with Elia before she went to sleep.

"You can take this to trial without Micha," Olivia told him. "You don't need her."

"That's changed. The Crawford decision, thank you, Judge Scalia, made that a heavy lift," he said before taking a bite of his sushi. They were sitting in a restaurant and Olivia had been badgering him for hours to take Caleb Bryant to court.

"Come on, Barba," she pressed. "You can be very persuasive when you wanna be. I bet if I got Elia on the phone she'd confirm that right now."

He gave a humorless chuckle, "Elia would also tell you that I should have been home an hour ago and I've been in the hot seat with her for the past two weeks. I can try, but Olivia I make no promises."

* * *

 _October 22, 2014…_

John "Brass" Blanken was dead and Micha was their key witness. Shit had gone south so quickly that Barba had barely blinked and everything was wrong. A man was dead and his child was no fatherless. He needed help now and he hadn't told Olivia what he was doing. His only instructions were to have Micha Green meet him at his office in an hour.

It was a gamble.

Barba knew that as he stepped off the gold plated elevator into the expressively decorated waiting room. Elia's office in the practice she worked at was on the thirty-second floor of a skyscraper on the Upper East Side. Marble, gold, and dark woods made up the interior of the waiting room and in the middle of the room was a receptionist's desk.

"Rafael Barba," he said. "I'm here to see Elia Barba, if she's available."

The young woman nodded and quickly stood up to show him to Elia's office. He'd only been there a few times before, but he remembered the incredible view of her corner office. A person could see the whole city from her office and he swallowed hard as the receptionist knocked on her door and opened it when bid to. He walked in and the woman closed the door behind him. Elia looked surprised to see him, but she quickly covered it up after a moment.

"Counselor," she acknowledged.

Seated behind her writing desk and making notes on a chart, she stood up, moved to a cabinet and slipped it inside. The heels of her uncomfortable looking pointed shoes clicked on the hardwood floor. She looked tired and the cream colored dress pants she wore hadn't been ironed. The low cut, light pink top she wore was a light material, but the bow around her waist that was tied at her navel was slightly crooked in the front. She walked around the office, making it a point not to directly look at him.

Instead, she moved further away towards the corner where several children's toys had been laid out on the floor. He knew that she often had clients with young children and had the toys to keep the children entertained for the duration of the appointments. Elia crouched down and methodically cleaned up before looking over her shoulder at him with an annoyed expression on her face.

"Why are you here?"

"I know that you and I aren't exactly on speaking terms," Barba said calmly and she scoffed at his words. "Elia…I'm not here about us. There's a victim that needs help and you're the only person that I know who can help. Please, she needs you."

"What do you want? Spit out, Rafael. Don't take seven years to tell me," she snapped.

He ignored her jab, recognizing that she was in significant pain that he'd cause. It hurt, but he told himself that he probably deserved it.

"Micha Green," he answered, sitting down on the couch that clients used. "I need to speak with you about her. I know that I don't' have to tell you about confidentiality."

"We have spousal privilege. Micha Green…you mean the singer whose boyfriend beat her up? I saw that on the news yesterday. Let me guess, she gave SVU a bunch of crap about how much she loves him and he didn't mean to hurt her and is refusing to help you?"

"That's about it."

"Why are you here?" Elia asked again, "No means no, Barba. She doesn't want to testify, don't make her."

"Last night, her producer, John "Brass" Blanken was murdered by Caleb Bryant."

"Oh, I didn't know that."

"I was just hoping you could talk to her and convince her to testify for me. The man beat her and he's murdered an innocent man. Caleb needs to be prosecuted, but she isn't willing to testify and the whole case depends on her testifying against him."

Elia stood and looked out at the skyline from her office. He watched her for a long moment before she turned to look at him and nodded.

"I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for her," Elia clarified.

"I understand," Barba said. "You're different from Benson and the other detectives and maybe you can make an impression on her that others can't. I arranged for Micha to meet us at my office in an hour, if that's alright."

Elia nodded and reached for her coat, "I'm finished for the day. Let's go now."

The trip to his office was uncomfortable. Sitting next to each other in the cab, Elia spent most of her time on her phone texting his mother. The phone would chime every so often and Elia's thumbs would fly across the glass screen of the smart phone. Sitting in traffic with her, he took a deep breath. Her flowery perfume surrounded him and he wondered if the bottle she had at home was almost empty. Elia's birthday would be coming soon and he wanted to get her something that she'd love. Perfume didn't seem adequate enough, but he promised himself that he'd find something that she'd love.

"Your Abuelita has agreed to move in with us," she announced to him in French. "Her housing problem is solved and you can stop pressuring her to move into that assisted living facility that smells like skunk."

He hummed in agreement as she slipped the phone into her pocket. Catalina Diaz would figure out that their marriage was falling apart within a week of living with them. His Abuelita was a like a blood hound. She could sniff anything out and Barba wondered if Elia realized

"When will she move in?" he returned. She winced at his French and quickly corrected him.

"I come from a Cuban family," he smiled at her. "French is not my first tongue."

"You've been practicing for years," Elia told him. "Sometimes, I think that you purposefully butcher the words."

"When will Abuelita move in?" he asked as the cab stopped outside his office building. Paying the cabbie and holding the door open for Elia to slip out, he admired her gracefulness She wrapped her coat tightly around her frame and they both walked up the marble steps.

"Two weeks," she said. "That gives me enough time to get her room in order and make space to put her things around the house."

"You mean it gives _us_ time," Barba amended. "We can move your things back into our bedroom and clean out the guestroom on the landing. There'll be less steps for Abuelita to go up and less chance of her falling, cariño, if we give her that room."

He held open the building door for her and Elia murmured her thanks in Spanish. They crossed the atrium and managed to get an empty elevator. Stepping on, Elia crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head at him.

"Just because your Abuelita is moving in doesn't mean that I'm going back to your bed."

"Our bed," Barba corrected again. "We've been sleeping side by side for a decade."

"I'm not talking to you about this right now, Rafael," Elia snapped.

"When would be a good time to talk about it," he snarked. "Let me get my planner out and we can make an appointment."

She glared at him and he instantly regretted his words. The elevator dinged and let them off on his floor. Walking down the corridor, Barba could see Benson and Micha Green outside his office, chatting with his assistant, Carmen.

"Why don't we all go in," Barba said, opening his office door and letting the three women enter before he did. "I'll let you know if we need anything, Carmen."

His long suffering assistant nodded and Barba closed the door behind him.

"What is this about?" Micha demanded the moment the door was closed as Elia slipped off her coat and let it rest on the back of one of the leather chairs in the office.

"We thought that it might be best to speak with you before going before the grand jury tomorrow," Olivia said quietly. "We've been going at you hard all day in preparation and we thought that talking alone with someone might help. We'll be just outside if you need us."

"Hello, Micha," Elia said with smile when the door clicked shut behind Barba and Benson. "Do you want to sit down?"

"Who are you?"

"Elia Diaz, the A.D.A and Detective Benson thought that it might be a good idea if you and I spoke. I'm a therapist. I work uptown. I'm here just to be an ear. There are a lot of people around you right now and I thought that you might like a chance to talk without everyone else trying to talk above you."

"I don't need a shrink."

"Then don't think of me as a shrink," Elia said as she watched Micha pace. "You seem very anxious."

"I am anxious," Micha snapped. "After everything that these people have put me and Caleb through, it's ruining my relationship and life. I just want it to go away and for things to go back to normal, but no one seems capable of doing that. I don't want to talk about any of this tomorrow."

"What about Brass? He was your record producer and correct me if I'm wrong, he seems like he was a father figure to you."

Micha froze and turned to look at Elia with incredibly sad eyes, "He was. Now…he's dead."

"And from what I also understand, you told the police and the A.D.A that you knew what happened."

"Yes."

"Caleb Bryant did hurt you and if you don't talk about it, Micha it will eat away at you. He murdered the man that you thought of as a father. Everyone is nervous that you will cover for Caleb and that is a crime, Micha."

Micha stood up suddenly and looked angry, "None of you get it, not a single person. Caleb loves me and he didn't do this to Brass. He just made a mistake. He wasn't trying to hurt me. It was an accident that the NYPD are trying to blow out of proportion by pining Brass' death on Caleb."

"Micha, look at me," Elia said firmly and the young girl did. "When a man loves a woman, he doesn't use his fists to tell her that. People who love each other don't bruise them and batter them."

Micha looked down at her hand and grabbed it. Elia didn't flinch or move as Micha twisted the silver wedding band on Elia's hand.

"Has your husband ever hit you?"

"No, Micha. He never would and I would never let him. This is not the first time that Caleb has hurt you, is it?"

Micha didn't respond and Elia continued, "It won't be the last. You and I both know that Caleb Bryant is going to hurt you again. He will keep hurting you, Micha. I've seen partners do horrible things to one another and women died in situations like yours. It's not just a onetime incident. This is a behavior that doesn't just stop. The man who loved you like his own daughter is dead and his child doesn't have a father. How can you look into that child's eyes and know that you're holding back the truth of what actually happened? You're not that person, Micha. I know that you're not."

"You don't get it," Micha whispered. "He loves me."

"Micha, by standing up to Caleb, you're taking the power that he has over you back. You are young, bright, and talented. You have a future ahead of you and I know that you're scared. I understand that you're afraid of what he'll do to you if you testify. It's scary in this moment, but afterwards, it won't be. You're get the chance to tell Caleb that you won't be his cover and that you won't tolerate his abuse. This isn't love, Micha. This is the furthest thing from love you could ever imagine."

In the next moment, Micha broke down crying. Moving to hug the young girl, Elia offered what little comfort that she could and the small box of tissues that Barba had purposefully left out on the table.

* * *

 _October 23, 2014…_

Elia was sitting at the island in the kitchen having a glass of wine when Barba walked in. He looked haggard, frustrated, and she understood why. Having received a call from Fin, she knew that Micha had lied on the stand and made Barba look like a fool in front of the grand jury. She was still mad at him, but she wanted him to know that he could still count on her. Using her foot, she pushed the bar stool next to hers out a little and patted the seat. He didn't fight, but shrugged out of his suit coat and dropped into the kitchen table before undoing his shirt cuffs and rolling them up to reveal his tan forearms. He sat down and Elia picked up the bottle of wine and poured him a glass.

"Fin called," she said quietly as she pushed the glass towards him. "I heard about Micha."

"I would really not like to talk about Micha Green," he told her with venom, not direct at her, but at the young singer.

"She's young, Rafael," she reasoned. "Think about what we did when we were her age. God knows I made plenty of horrible decisions. She just…thought she was doing the right thing."

"When you were nineteen, you weren't deciding to stay with a man who was beating you. It's different, Elia, and you know it. I was so confident that she'd help us."

Barba drowned his glass of wine and stood up. He went to the liquor cabinet and grabbed his favorite bottle of scotch and returned with a tumble and ice. He poured himself a generous amount and swirled the amber liquid in the glass.

"You can't force her to go against her abuser," Elia finally said after several moments of silence. "Only she can choose when to leave and when to fight back. Maybe someday she will have the courage to leave. I thought she would yesterday, too. We were both wrong."

Barba looked at her with a frown shook his head, "I don't think that she'll leave him. Her last tweet was from Bermuda and I quote 'Counting on each other, love rules over all'. So, while their soaking up the sun, hopefully she'll learn that changing the location doesn't change the facts that John Blanken is dead, and Caleb is a piece of crap."

Setting down her own wine glass, Elia reached out and covered his hand with her. His skin was warm and smooth under her touch. She hadn't realized how much she missed him until she let her hands wrap around his hand and wrist. She could feel his steady pulse under her fingertips and his smooth skin only brought back memories of what it felt like to feel his naked body against hers. She swore that she could feel the ghost of his lips on her neck.

"You did everything that you could, Rafael," she told him softly. "You did more than anyone in your position should have done. How many times did you try intervening with Benson and others? More than you should have. Micha decided that she didn't want help and you can't help someone who doesn't want it. You and I both know that."

Barba's thumb brushed back and forth against hers as he stared out the window, "I can't help it, Elia. I have a horrible feeling about everything that has happened."

"It's time to move on from that feeling. You did all you could and if Micha lies and flees, it's on her. Not you, Rafael."

Barba nodded and Elia couldn't stop herself from resting her head on his shoulder for a brief moment. Closing her eyes, she enjoyed the feeling of his muscular arm supporting her head and the smell of his cologne. With reluctance, she pulled away from him and squeezed his hand. He gently squeezed her hand back, a silent message of telling her that he loved her. Standing, she walked around the island and left him alone to stew in his thoughts and his scotch.

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

 **VampirePrincess11:** Thank you so much for leaving a review! You're right, Elia isn't happy anymore, but it doesn't mean that it's the end:) Catalina moving in won't necessarily make things between them better, but I think that she'll have her own dimension to add to the family.

 **sassa001:** Thank you for the review! Glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!

 **:** Thank you for the review! Barba did neglect to mention some details and you are right. They are very bad at communication, but once you hit bottom, there is only one place to go and its up:) More is on the way! Thank you again!

 **wolviegurl:** Thanks for the review! More is on the way!:) Glad that you're enjoying the story!:)

* * *

 **I thought that I would offer up a prize for those who review! An sneek peak at the next chapter before it's posted! Leave a review and get a sneak peak!:) There are many out there reading and I'd love to hear from each and everyone of you! Send your cheers, jeers, tears, and love:)**


	4. III: Skinny Love

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to everyone who left a review! We have over 800 views! You guys are awesome! Again, some of the material that you recognize in the chapter may have been taken from the show such as cases, dialogue, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review, liked, or followed this story! All the reviews have responses at the end of the chapter!**

 **Thanks!**

 **H4TH**

* * *

14x17, 14x18

 **Part III**

 _"...I tell my love to wreck it all_  
 _Cut out all the ropes and let me fall_  
 _My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my_  
 _Right in the moment this order's tall_

 _I told you to be patient_  
 _I told you to be fine_  
 _I told you to be balanced_  
 _I told you to be kind_  
 _In the morning I'll be with you_  
 _But it will be a different kind_  
 _'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets_  
 _And you'll be owning all the fines..."_

~ "Skinny Love" - Birdy

 _October 24, 2014…_

Elia stood in front of the TV in the living room and the heeled shoes that she'd been holding fell out of her hand as the news anchor talked about reports of Micha Green from Bermuda coming up after the commercial break. A laundry detergent commercial came on and she felt a horrible feeling of dread come over her. Barba was upstairs getting dressed and she knew that he hadn't even touched his phone that morning.

Neither of them had.

Hers was charging in the kitchen and his was still sitting on the island last night next to the empty tumbler and the bottle of scotch he'd been drinking from. Going to the base of the 'L' shaped stairs, Elia grabbed the banner until her knuckles were white. Her stomach churned and she had a sick feeling that she knew already what exactly had happened to Micha Green in Bermuda.

"Rafael!" she yelled as loudly as she could. "Rafael, get down here, now!"

His head and upper body came into view as he leaned over the banner upstairs with a frown on his face, "What's wrong?"

"Micha Green is on TV. Get down here, now. I don't think it's going to be a good news report. Maybe your feeling from yesterday was right."

He quickly moved. Standing next to each other in the living room, they watched the last commercial advertising carpet cleaner. He was working on buttoning up his navy blue vest and she sank onto the end of the couch when the news anchor came back on.

"We wish you a good morning, but we are terribly sad to greet you all with bad news," he began. "Shocked fans gathered in Manhattan last night for a candle light vigil to mourn the death of rising talent, Micha Green. Her body was discovered yesterday in Bermuda, where she'd been vacationing with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Caleb Bryant. The hip-hop superstar was recently accused of assaulting the nineteen year old singer, but no charges were ever formally brought to the superstar. Micha's body was found floating beside their yacht and an investigation is now underway to determine exactly what happened to her. Authorities say that it is too early to determine the cause of death, but there were reports that the couple had been heard arguing earlier in the day…"

Barba grabbed the remote and muted the television. Rubbing her forehead before kicking off her slippers, Elia slipped her feet into the nude colored heels she'd chosen to wear and stood up.

"I can't say that I'm surprised," he murmured. "Caleb Bryant is all charm and Micha fell for it. Everyone fell for it."

"No one deserves what happened to her."

"You're right, but she's still a complete idiot."

"People in love do very stupid things," Elia said without thinking and regretted it immediately.

Barba knew what she was hinting at and said nothing as he put the navy blue suit jacket that he'd brought down with him. She let out a long, drawn out sigh and cradled her head in her hands. She had promised herself that she wouldn't hold his lie against him, no matter how much it angered her. They hadn't actually talked about it, but she was slowly resigning herself to the fact that she had a choice to make. Ether she stayed with Rafael and never became a mother, or she branched out on her own and had a child without him. Denial had been running through her and she'd told herself more than once that she might be able to change Rafael's mind, but that was a possibility. Barba had a will of iron and he was stubborn. There would be no convincing him to do something that he didn't want to do.

Rubbing the back of her neck, Elia resisted the urge to throw herself back on the couch as Barba left her alone without a word.

* * *

It was almost eight when Elia opened the front door.

Her feet were killing her, squeezed into heels that she hadn't worn since she'd bought them. Now, she regretted ever setting eyes on them. Kicking them off, she didn't bother to pick them up like she normally did to carry them to the closet. Instead, she hobbled towards the kitchen as her feet screamed with joy at being released. She was surprised to find Barba sitting at the island with several files opened in front of him and an open container of take-out and a glass of red wine.

He looked handsome and she had to admit that the stubble on his face was sexy. It was clear that he hadn't shaved that morning and she fought back the tidal wave of desire that threatened to overtake her senses. He wore a raglan shirt that was blue and white, the sleeves were pushed up his fore arms and the suit he'd been wearing was gone, replaced by a pair of faded jeans and bare feet. The muscles under his skin flexed as he wrote on his legal pad and she forced herself to suppress the memory of what his skin felt like against hers.

Slipping her coat off and putting her bag on the dining room table, she moved towards the refrigerator and opened the freezer drawer. The cold air did little to smoother the burning desire that was coming alive inside her. Taking her phone out, she opened up her period tracking app and scoffed loudly. Of course she was finding him desirable. She was ovulating now and all the research in the world already confirmed that a woman's libido was increased during that period.

Her desire was basic chemistry.

Closing the freezer door, Elia told herself to get a handle on her body. It was pheromones and hormones that were taking over and that was unacceptable.

"Did you have a good day?" he asked and she paused.

His voice was like honey and it caressed every part of her. Her body was aching and she knew that she was being rude by not saying anything. Elia told herself that she needed to stop ignoring him. It wasn't helping their situation and he was trying to be amicable. She was a big girl. Sitting next to him would not lead to sex, no matter how much she wanted it. Grabbing the pint of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon, she slid on to the stool next to Barba and gave him a small smile and her stomach flipped inside. As her mind and body argued with each other over desire and facts that were fundamentally different, Elia took the lid off her pint of ice cream.

"It was alright, yours?"

"Busy," he said dropping the pen that he'd been using to write with and stood up. He pulled poured himself a cup of decaf coffee and leaned back against the counter. Elia took a bite of the chocolate ice cream and tried her best not to focus on how good he looked in the jeans that hugged him in all the right places…places that she'd held onto while begging him to go faster and harder…

"We have to talk about the bedroom," Barba announced as he watched her closely.

"I just spent an hour and a half with a couple fighting about birth control and sex," she stated defensively as she dug her spoon in for a second bite. "I realize that I know very little about vasectomies and having one's tubes tied. I don't want to talk about bedrooms or anything that happens in bed."

Barba raised an eyebrow at her with a slight smirk on his face, "I wasn't referring to sex. Although, if you're willing and in need of loving, I have no objections, mi amor. It's been a while since we were in the sheets together and we've always been good together between them."

His words made her heart pound and an invisible force pulled her out off the stool and towards him. Walking on the balls of her feet like she wore heels, Elia saw his eyes linger over her form, especially her hips that swayed with each steps, before his eyes met hers. Putting her hands on the counter behind him, she looked up and smirked back. She couldn't explain what was happening to her, but her body had a mind of its own and his words triggered something deep inside.

"Maybe sex always been hot and fun for you, but from my side of things, your performances have been…subpar, mi amor," she mocked back, the smirk never leaving her face. "It would take a whole lot more than your seducing words to get me anywhere near your bed. Why should I count on you when I can lie in bed down the hall, in a separate bed, and take care of all my own wants and needs? I can love myself, Rafael. Beside, mi amor, I told you not to touch me ever again."

She was challenging him. She enjoyed winding him up, knowing that her words were antagonizing him and he'd act soon enough. He was incredible close to her and she could smell the sandalwood soap he used mixed with his cologne and the wine on his breath. It was an intoxicating combination and it muddled her thoughts. In a heartbeat, their positions were changed. She was against the counter and his hands were on her hips. She was pinned between his legs and his breath was hot as he pressed his lips close to the one spot behind her ear that could drive her wild when he kissed.

"You say no, but everything else says yes, mi amor," he murmured. "Don't torment us both. You might be able to make love to yourself, but your hands and lips can't replicate the spell that I can weave with each touch and caress. Say yes, say you want me and end this torture for us both."

His breath was hot and overwhelming need pulsed through her veins. She couldn't deny it. God, she wanted him and all sense and reason left her. He was right, torturing him was enjoyable, but his touch and caress would be far more pleasurable in the end.

"Yes," she whispered, knowing and not caring that he was right.

Without thinking, Elia grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him hard. She'd missed his touch more than she realized and it felt so good to be touched by him. The stubble on his jaw tickled her and she the feeling of him undoing the zipper at her back and touching her bare skin sent a tingle down her spine. Elia eagerly helped him take off her dress and she pushed his raglan shirt up to feel the smooth skin of his sides. He kissed her neck and shoulder as she blindly pushed his shirt higher. For a second he broke away and tossed the shirt aside before reclaiming her lips and lifting her to balance on the edge of the counter. He was creating a trail of hot, burning fire as he kissed down her neck and she moaned wantonly.

Barba cupped her breast through her lacy bra. Elia closed her eyes at the sensation and let her head fall back against the cupboards behind her as his lips. It felt so damn good to her body and she hadn't forgotten his touch…no matter how much she'd tried. They had plenty of issues, but for one second, she just wanted it all to fade away and simply exist with him. His lips pressed hot, open mouthed kisses again the tops of her breasts as he reached behind to unhook the bra. Barba tossed it away before he brought his lips to her hard nipple.

The cold marble on the back of her thighs was a startling contrast to his warm body. Tangling her fingers in his hair, Elia moaned as he swirled his tongue around her hard nipple. She lifted her head, eyes half glazed over in pleasure and met the amused gaze of Lucille Barba, standing in the archway to the kitchen. Elia screamed in surprise as the candle of desire was snuffed out. Barba jerked away and let go of her. Elia half fell and half slid to the floor in heap at his feet, but was protected from Lucille's gaze by the island. Reaching for her dress on the ground, she quickly grabbed it and covered herself with it.

"Oh! I didn't mean to interrupt you're dinner," Lucille snarked. "Don't stop on my account."

Elia stood up and ducked behind Barba while Lucille stood in the entryway with an expression that told her that the woman knew exactly what she'd just interrupted.

"Mami," Barba said out of breath as he looked around for his shirt. "What are you doing here?"

Grabbing Rafael's shoulders and positioning him so he'd stop moving, Elia tried to ignore him when he looked over her shoulder at her and smiled. The look in his eyes told her that he expected them to finish what they were doing after he got rid of his mother, but reality was setting in and everything told her that continuing was a very bad idea.

"Stand still and don't move," she hissed. "I'm not letting your mother see me naked."

"It's not like I'm completely ignorant of what happens between you and my son," Lucille said with a smirk. "You are married and you're both adults. Why not enjoy what life has to offer?"

Elia grabbed the black lace bra that had been tossed onto the marble counter of the island and slipped it back on.

"Not to be rude," Barba continued as he stood still. "Why are you here, Ma?"

"I thought that I would drop in and make sure that you both were ready for the move, but I see that you're busy. I'll show myself out."

Lucille Barba turned on her heel and left. Regret slammed into Elia like a train and she moaned in disbelief of what she'd done. She'd let months and months of sexual frustration control her and it had nearly gotten her into trouble. Gathering her things, she quickly left the kitchen and ignored Rafael as he called her name. It was only once she was inside the guest bedroom did she realize that she'd grabbed his shirt too.

* * *

 _October 30, 2014…_

Elia pulled back the covers of their bed. It was Abuelita's first night living with them.

After weeks of helping Abuelita pack and go through all her belongings, Elia was happy to be done with it. They had situated Catalina in the guest bedroom that was on the first landing. It had a small sitting room attached to through a double door archway. Barba had convinced Abuelita that it was the same size as her apartment in the Bronx and the truth was that it was actually bigger. The move had gone smoothly than Elia had thought possible and it had been done in a matter of hours. A large part of that was probably due to the movers that Barba had hired to do everything. All Elia and Abuelita had been forced to do was supervise the men. The men had been nice and Abuelita's sweet treats had made her their favorite little old lady.

Elia had taken the rest of the week off to help Catalina get settled in the house and she was looking forward to it. Situating the pillows around her, she placed on between her and the empty side of the bed. Neither she nor Barba had talked about the incident in the kitchen that Lucille had interrupted, but she didn't want to repeat what had happened and take advantage of the fact that they were already in bed.

It hurt her that Barba didn't talk or try to reinitiate what they'd begun. Lying in bed the nights after, Elia realized that he'd done what he'd always done, swept the issue under the rug and he'd wait for her to bring it up. The only time that he'd come even remotely close to mentioning the kitchen incident was the night before when they'd talked about their sleeping arrangements before Abuelita moved in.

"A pillow down the middle? Really, Elia?" Barba asked with a raised brow from the door way to the en-suite bathroom. He was in his white t-shirt and blue cotton pajama bottoms. His hair was damp after showering and she shook off the naked image her mind produced.

"We agreed last night that we sleep beside each other for appearance's sake," Elia spoke in a tone that she'd use on a child. "I don't want you touching me."

"I thought that we could finish what we started in the kitchen the other night," he told her with a grin on his face that made her feel like she was eighteen again and desperate for him to be her lover. "You told me my performances have been subpar and I deserve a chance to prove to you that I'm not a subpar lover. You know that I'm not, mi amor."

Elia's eyes narrowed dangerously and she thrust a second pillow onto of the first to build a higher wall.

"I remember very clearly what I said," she snapped. "I also remember telling myself afterwards that I was not going to let you charm me in all the ways that you charm women and juries. You can charm a jury into giving a guilty verdict like a hooker can charm a John into paying her. The only difference is that you have the law on your side. You know what, Abuelita is asleep by now. I'm going to sleep in a different room. We have three beds in this house. I'm not sleeping with you."

Grabbing her pillow and standing, she made her way towards the door, but he caught her gently by the wrist.

"Elia, I'm sorry," he groaned. "Please, I won't bring up what happened the other night. Just don't go. I was only teasing."

"Exactly!" she exclaimed as she turned on him and yanked her wrist out of his grasp. "It will just get swept under the rug like everything else in our marriage. You won't bring it up again and never will."

"That's not true," he protested as he sat at the foot of the bed, elbows resting on his knees.

"Not true?" she scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest and hugged the pillow to her. "You tell me that you're almost certain that you don't want children and then you table the conversation and never bring it back up. Then you attempt to have sex with me and we don't' talk about it because…I don't know what reason!"

"You walked out during that conversation we had about children," he pointed out defensively.

"You would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes. Seven years, Rafael! You waited seven years to tell me that. You've had weeks to bring it back up, but all you've done is work. It takes two people to make a relationship to work, Rafael. I cannot be the one keeping the ship from sinking. Sex will not save our marriage, no matter how good you think it might feel for us both."

"I don't know what you want me to do!" Barba exclaimed with frustration as he looked up at her. "I don't know what you want me to say, Elia. I don't know how to make you happy with everything that has happened. If you do, please tell me what I should do because I'm at a loss."

Elia felt all the fight leave her as she hugged herself. Everything had been building to this moment. All the nights spent lying awake in bed, tossing and turning everything over in her mind as she tried to figure out the best course of action. She'd been denying the inevitable of what was bound to happen. Some hurdles couldn't be overcome and this was their hurdle. This was the one thing that they wouldn't be able to overcome. Maybe she'd known since the night he'd told her the truth and she simply hadn't had the courage to admit it to herself until now.

"I…you're right," she said tiredly. "I'm not happy, Rafael. I haven't been happy in a long time. I feel like I'm just floating along. I don't…I don't know if I can live with giving up my dream for a family. This is our fork in the road. There's two paths and maybe…we're not meant to go down the same path like we thought."

She could tell that her words had caught him off guard. He stood and looked visibly confused and shaken by her words and calm demeanor. Despite how he looked, she felt some sense of relief in what she was doing and what she was finally able to admit to herself.

"What are you saying, Elia?" he asked softly with a shake of his head. "Elia…don't say what I think you're going to say, please."

"I don't think want to be married to you anymore," she admitted softly. "I love you, but I can't give up something like a child for you and you…you work all the time, Rafael. You are right. We could never workout in the end. Children or no children, it's not going to work."

"Elia, if it will make you happy…we'll have family. I will do anything, Elia. Don't talk about leaving, mi amor."

"Don't," she said on the verge of tears. "You're only saying that because you want me to stay with you. I know what it's like to be the unwanted child. You'd be a good father, if I let you do that. I know you would and you'd never let our child know that you didn't want him or her, but I'd know and I can't live that kind of lie with you. I couldn't lie to our child like that. I don't want us to turn into the people that I see in my office every day. We aren't going to turn into the people that hate each other and hate that they have families and…I'm not going to do that, Rafael. It's better to walk away now."

"Elia, don't do this, please. Come back to bed and just sleep. We're all tired after today. We can talk about this in the morning."

"We can't stay in limbo, Raffie. That's no way to live. This doesn't mean that I don't love you. It means that I know when to let go, mi amor, and now is the time to let go. I'm not tired, I'm thinking more clearly than I ever have been. I'm sorry, mi amor. I love you and I'm so sorry."

She cupped his cheeks and smiled down at him with tears in her eyes before she left him alone in the bedroom and softly closed the door behind her.

* * *

 _November 3, 2014…_

It was Sunday and Barba hated Sundays.

St. Francis Xavier was the church that was closest to their brownstone. He didn't mind attending with Elia and his Abuelita, he really didn't. It was much nicer than the church that he'd be raised to attend in the Bronx. The congregation was smaller, but it had been larger at one point. When they had first started attending nearly a decade ago after they had first gotten married, Elia had been good at making out who exactly to associate with in the church. They had a few close friends, but the majority of the people were simply strangers to him. Over the years, he and Elia simply went out of habit. They'd sit next to each other for the Mass, sharing the bible and hymn book. Sitting closest to the isle, Barba had let Elia and Catalina sit next to each other. They shared the bible and listened attentively, singing and responding when needed and he simply followed their lead while he took time to plan the week ahead in his mind as the priest droned on.

One of his narcotic cases was finally going to trial which made him want to scoff with annoyance. It would take only ten minutes to convince the jury that the woman was guilty. The rest of his week would be filled with motions, paperwork, and acquainting himself with Hoffmann's messy handwritten notes. As Mass ended, Barba stood up. Elia was slipping her coat back and speaking with his grandmother about their plans for the rest of the day. They would bake sweet treats after running to the store to find Abuelita's cat a new scratching post so he wouldn't be tempted to scratch the wood paneling. Barba stepped out of the pew and waited for the two women to exit as he slipped his coat and leather gloves on.

Thinking about work took his find off the fact that Elia had asked him for a separation.

It had been four days and those four days had been pure hell on earth. She hadn't returned to their room. Instead, she'd simply restored to sleeping in a different room. He'd tried to negotiate with her that he should be the one to sleep in a separate room, but Elia wouldn't listen. She'd told him not to be so old-fashioned, but he could still hear his mother and Abuelita's voices in his head asking him why he wasn't the one sleeping in the other room. After what he'd put her through, Elia deserved the comfort of her own bed.

They had both woken up early the morning after Elia's confession and had spoken about Abuelita's situation and her being in the house. They had both agreed that they wouldn't tell his Abuelita about the situation until later. Elia didn't believe that his grandmother needed to know what was happening. Barba agreed, but he hoped that he could convince Elia to stay without his grandmother ever knowing that they were having problems. Afterwards, he had asked her to go to therapy with him. Marriage conseling, anything that they could do to rebuild their relationship, but Elia seemed to have already made her mind up. She'd politely told him no and that she couldn't overlook the fact that he didn't want children and had lied about it.

It had hurt. She had effectively told him that he wasn't enough for her and it hurt like hell. Barba wasn't sure he'd ever felt the sting of rejection as keenly as he'd felt it that morning. A part of him knew that she was right though. He'd listened to her tell others for years when asked about children that it would happen someday. She had always smiled and been happy to hold someone else's child. He couldn't rob Elia of that. She was meant to be someone's mother and denying her that only made him more of a selfish bastard.

Everyone was staying away from him at work and even the team from SVU was weary of calling him for warrants and other favors. Barba couldn't blame them either. Lying in bed alone at night had left him plenty of time to examine how his marriage had ended up in tatters. Both he and Elia were at fault, but his share was probably worse than hers. Looking back, he could see so many signs that pointed to her unhappiness in the past year. Even going further back, he could see that she wasn't happy with his behavior, but she'd kept silent.

She hadn't said anything because she hoped that he would catch on to things, but he wasn't a mind reader. He worked too much and she probably felt like it was difficult to find the time to speak with him. Elia had approached him before, but he realized that he had difficulty turning off the lawyer in him. He winced every night as he examined some different part of his marriage. Barba would be the first to admit that he was a control freak, but marriage wasn't a courtroom.

Elia's spot wasn't supposed to be sitting at the table on the opposite side of the isle. Her spot was next to him and life was the courtroom. They were meant to face it together and he'd done a horrible job at being a husband. In what felt like the last three years, he'd neglected his role as husband. It was the role that was as equally important as prosecutor, if not more so and he'd botched it. Elia had given him many chances to fix it, but admitting that he didn't want children was what had sealed the demise of his marriage and he regretted how that conversation had played out.

If Elia hadn't already called a divorce lawyer, Barba expected that she'd be in touch with one soon. From the moment that she'd told him how unhappy she was and that she wanted out of their marriage, Elia had seemed different. Her smiles were less forced and she enjoyed his Abuelita's company. She seemed happier…lighter than she'd been in a long time. Barba silently wondered if he should start looking for an apartment. He had every intention of Elia and his Abuelita staying in the brownstone together where they seemed to be happy. Barba told himself that he couldn't take away any happiness that Elia found.

Stepping out into the morning sun with his wife and grandmother, he took a deep breath as he followed them back to the black Mercedes. Both women were talking animatedly in Spanish about the sweets they'd make together and what ingredients they'd need to pick up while they were out. Barba simply listened and wondered how many Sundays he had left, sitting next to Elia as her husband in God's house before their marriage was declared invalid.

* * *

The upbeat pop song pounded in her ears as she ran. Wearing headphones underneath her favorite blue beanie, Elia breathed heavily as she came to a stop at the steps of the brownstone. The five steps up to the door were wide and a black iron railing on either side prevented one from slipping one the stairs iced over during winter. Holding onto to the railing, she walked up to the front door, but paused. A manila envelope was taped to the door with barely legible writing on the front.

 _To Elia, please read me._

Taking it down, Elia took her earbuds out and opened the door. The smell of food greeted her and her mouth watered just a little. The sun was setting outside and Catalina would have dinner ready soon. She insisted that they all eat together on Sunday and had taken charge of preparing the meal. Elia didn't mind it. She wasn't a fantastic cook, not like Catalina was, but she supposed it came from practice. Closing the door behind her and slipping off her running shoes, Elia opened the back of the manila envelope and reached inside.

She pulled out a note and felt her heart freeze in her chest as she began to read the note.

… _I miss meeting you since you terminated our appointments, Elia. I still don't understand why you would do such a thing. We had a connection that not many can ever claim to have. I can make you happy. I know that I can. I've left my wife, my children, everything for you. Come away with me, we'll be happy together. I've seen you look longingly. I know that you're unhappy with that illegal bastard. He doesn't love you like I can…_

Looking inside the envelope, she pulled out several pictures and felt sick. There was one of her walking to a cab with Rafael and another she recognized of her leaving the yoga study that she went to during the week. Most of the pictures were of her walking down the sidewalk, but she felt cold and scared.

"What's that?"

Hearing Barba's voice, she looked up. He was dressed casually in a pair of jeans an old Harvard t-shirt. The closer he came to her, the more she felt like her heart was going to explode from anxiety. Quickly stuffing the contents back inside, Elia closed the envelope and forced a smile.

"It was on the door," she told him before she swallowed hard. "A former patient has been...having issues. It's nothing. I'll take care of it in the morning. Is dinner almost ready?"

"Abuelita is almost finished," Barba said as he looked at her with skepticism in his eyes. "You have enough time to shower if you want to."

Nodding, Elia stepped around him and climbed the stairs. She felt his gaze on her back with each steps. They both knew that she'd lied to him, but Elia didn't care. It wasn't his problem. They would be divorced soon and she needed to learn how to deal with issues on her own. Stepping into the room that she was staying in and opening the top dresser drawer, she slipped the envelope inside. Elia took her iphone band off her arm and unzipping the fleece hoody that she wore. Stripping down in the bathroom, she enjoyed the hot water pounding down on her skin.

She knew exactly who had sent the envelope.

Charles McGregor was an obsessive stalker whose previous obsession with a woman had cost him his marriage. His wife, Clara, had taken him to court and won full custody of their children. Elia had supported the woman in therapy after discontinuing her professional relationship with Charles. He believed that they had a 'personal relationship' and a 'connection of souls'. Elia believed that he was a first class nutjob who need psychiatric help and her boss, Joanna Zimmerman, had agreed. It had only been a few months since Elia had turned Charles away, but she mental made a list of people that she needed to call.

Joanna as first followed by Seth, the security guard who worked in the building where her offices were. It wouldn't hurt to call the police, but Elia wasn't certain that she wanted to speak with anyone. Her mind jumped to Fin and she decided that she'd call him the next time something happened. The man could point her in the right direction of who to call and file a report with.

Turning off the water, she toweled off and quickly changed into more comfortable clothing.

* * *

 _One Month Later_

 _December 1, 2014…_

Calling Rita Calhoun was as comfortable as the thought of receiving rectal probe electorejaculation in front of a grand jury.

Barba never wanted to call in a favor to the woman again.

Rita knew all the right buttons to push, but once she'd heard what had happened to Avery Jordan and he'd given her all the details over the phone, she'd agreed to take the case to family court, Pro Bono. Something about 'bastard men' and several other phrases he didn't want to even think about had been her motivation. It made Barba wondered if Calhoun was a closet man-hater or if she secretly wished she was a man to join the 'all boys club' or something like that. Either way, Calhoun had agreed to helping Avery Jordan and Barba had kept his promise to help Avery even though he'd failed her in court.

"It's so cold in this house."

Barba froze from where he was writing notes about his current case and looked up to see Catalina standing in the door way. She moved into his study and sat down on the couch. He was hot as hell and had even cracked the window. Catalina kept telling him over dinner how cold the house was and Elia had explicitly forbidden everyone from touching the thermostat. He was dressed only in his cotton pajama pants and a grey t-shirt and it still felt like too much clothing.

"Abuelita," he sighed as he leaned back in his desk chair and tossed his pen aside. "If I turn the heat up anymore, we'll all melt."

"That's not what I meant," she scoffed with a wave of her hand. "It's too warm in here anyways. Elia is sitting in a pair of shorts and a tank top watching some romantic movie with a fan on. I couldn't take anymore and left her to her tears."

Hearing that, Barba jumped up and quickly walked out to the hallway where the thermostat was and dropped the temperature down. Elia would be complaining soon that she was freezing, but he turned the heat down anyway. The heat was finally off and they'd all feel like they could breathe again. Returning to his study, he sat back down and watched Catalina.

"Titanic?" he asked with a slight smile. "I'm assuming that's what was on TV."

It was the only movie that always made Elia cry.

Not because it was a romantic movie, but because it was the first movie that she saw with Emilio in the theater. They had both snuck out together to watch it. Their mother had refused to allow Emilio to see it, citing that it would make her son 'softer at heart' or some ridiculous reason. Elia had wanted to see it and together, they had ventured out. She cried not because of the story, but because of the memories it brought up. She didn't shy away from watching it, but she did watch it when it was on TV occasionally.

"It's on HBO or whatever the On-Demand channel is," Abuelita said with a wave of her hand. "I came because I wanted to talk about the atmosphere of this house and don't think that I haven't noticed, mi juez."

"I'm not a judge, Abuelita. What have you noticed?"

"In the month that I've been here, the only time you and her actually spend together is when we have meals and even then, she tolerates you. I see right through her fake smiles and polite conversation," his grandmother announced. "I don't understand it. So, I want you to explain it to me."

"Abuelita," he sighed, not wanting to let his grandmother know how much his marriage had deteriorated.

"Did you cheat?" she asked bluntly. "Do you have a mistress and a love-child tucked away somewhere and she found out about it?"

Catalina Diaz looked so serious about her inquire that he almost laughed, but there was no humor in the situation. If he did that, Elia would have castrated him, cut his body into pieces and fed it to the cat.

"Well?" she pressed. "What'd you do?"

"What makes you think that I did something, Abuelita?" Barba challenged.

"Because I don't think that Elia has a lover, she has one of those buzzie things that Mrs. Rivera granddaughter got caught with at school," Catalina reasoned. "I needed to speak with her the other morning and I heard her and a buzzing sound. She turned it off and started crying. That's how I found out that it must be you."

Barba's eyes slightly widened at the thought of Elia touching herself without him, but he restrained his thoughts. The fact that Elia was upset about something confused him.

"What do you mean she was crying?" he asked slowly.

"She called the doctor later that day saying that it hadn't worked and that she was in significant amount of pain. She said that it was a six out of ten," Catalina said. "When I asked her if everything was alright, she told me that she was fine and that there was nothing to worry about. Now, what did you do?"

Pushing back his concerns about Elia being in pain, he sighed and shook his head.

"I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted children," Barba confessed. "I wasn't sure if I ever wanted a family with her."

"And why would you say that?" Catalina demanded and Barba was secretly happy that he was out of arms reach. He suspected that she might have hit him with her cane if given a chance.

"Abuelita," he sighed. "You know my father. I don't ever want there to be a chance that I turn into him and hurt my children. I still remember him hitting me with a belt. I still remember him hitting me with an electrical cord until I bled. I could never subject my son or daughter to that. I have my father's blood and it needs to stop with me. I can't pass it on."

Catalina looked at him and shook her head.

"You're silly, ridiculous pendejo, Rafael. You and I both know that you'd never hurt any of your children or Elia," Catalina said with a sigh. "I told Lucille that she should have told you the truth years ago, but she didn't want to. You were young and she feared what Juan would do to you if he knew."

"The truth?" Barba asked feeling confused. "Abuelita, what are you talking about?"

* * *

 **Massive cliff hanger...I'm a bad person...I know.**

 **Same plan as last chapter! Leave a review and I'll send you a PM with a sneak peak! I think that I got everyone who left a review, but please keep in mind that I can't send it 'Guests', but your reviews are welcomed and loved all the same:) If I missed you, please know that it wasn't intentional and I'm so sorry.**

 **Up next: A secret and Barba's father turns up...**

* * *

 **Guest #1:** Thank you for leaving a review! I'm so sorry I wasn't able to send a sneak peak to you. If you have a username, let me know and I will direct a sneak peak of next chapter to you ASAP. Thank you for offering to help! I'm sorry that Elia isn't a doctor, I'm in nursing and it's all I do during the day:) I needed a break and I thought about making Elia a doctor, but I decided that she's better where she's at for reasons that come up later in the story:) You are correct about the dective/prosecutor angle and that's exactly what I was hoping to avoid. Much love and thank you for the review!:)

 **Guest #2:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad that you like Elia (I love her name too, it's just so original and I can just hear Barba saying it in my head) Things will get better, maybe not right away, but they will get better. Thank you again!

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**


	5. IV: Ultraviolence

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are awesome! Again, some of the material you may recognize in the chapter may have been taken from the show such as cases, situations, and dialogue. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review, liked, or followed this story! All the reviews have responses at the end of this chapter!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

14x20, 14x21, 14x24

 **Part IV**

"… _He hit me and it felt like a kiss  
Jim brought me back  
Reminded me of when we were kids_

 _This is ultraviolence  
Ultraviolence  
Ultraviolence  
Ultraviolence  
I can hear sirens, sirens  
He hit me and it felt like a kiss…"_

~ "Ultraviolence" – Lana Del Rey

 _December 1, 2014…_

His Abuelita sighed and shook her head tiredly. Barba cocked his head to the side and watched as she shifted until comfortable.

"Abuelita?" he prompted and she sighed again.

"It all began a long time ago," she told him. "Your mother and father, they were going through a difficult time before you were born. They were both in high school getting ready to graduate and dating and things were a mess."

"They have always been going through a difficult time, Abuelita," Barba scoffed. "Name me a time when they weren't having difficulties."

"This time was different," Catalina said softly. "It was before they were married. Your mother had called off the engagement. They'd just graduated high school and she met a man at the Met. His name was Tomas Mera. He had a doctorate in economics and taught at Columbia. He was a brilliant man and your mother fell in love. They both did. Neither meant for it to happen, but it did. You look just like him, you know?"

"Are you telling me that Juan Barba is not my father?" Barba asked, looking as confused as he felt. He couldn't even begin to explain what he was feeling, but he surprisingly felt hopeful inside. Hopeful, that the man he despised since he knew what it meant to despise a person, wasn't his father.

"Yes," Catalina murmured. "Tomas was older than her. Lucille was seventeen and he was nearly thirty-three. He didn't tell her that he was dying from brain cancer and that the doctors had done everything that they could do. I'll never forget the day he passed. Lucille had been at the hospital with him day and night and I promised to sit with him while she went home and slept for a few hours. He told me how much he loved your mother and if he wasn't dying, he would have married her. Neither of them knew that she was pregnant with you. He'd been so well a few weeks before and suddenly, he was gone. Your mother…I'd never seen her cry like she did the day he died."

"Abuelita—"

"You were Tomas' last gift to her, Rafael," she interrupted. "He died and I quickly convinced Juan Barba, the boy she'd been dating in high school, to marry her. You have to understand that for Lucille to be an unwed mother as a Catholic girl in the Bronx…it would have been a very hard life, Rafael. So, she did and your father left her money. I think that somehow, he may have known that he'd gotten her pregnant before she knew. You never went hungry and always had clothing. You were Tomas Mera's only child and if he hadn't died, he would have loved you so much. He loves you even now. So, you see? I don't think that you could ever hurt Elia or her children. It's not your nature, mijo. It never was and the anger that you think runs in your blood, it doesn't. How can you look at the criminals you put away and even compare yourselves to them? I know that you want a family with Elia. Don't hold yourself back from happiness."

"It's too late, Abuelita," Barba said with a shake of his head. "Elia, she decided she wants to divorce me."

Catalina cupped his cheeks with her hands and smiled, "You are the most persuasive person that I know. I'll laugh when you have a baby of your own someday and you have to say no when he asks for cookies. You could always convince me to give you whatever you wanted. Do you love Elia, el juez?"

"Abuelita, I'm not a judge, but sí. I love her with all my heart," he confessed with tears gathering in his eyes. "I don't want her to leave. I don't know how to stop her."

"Then you'll just have to remind her of all the reasons why she should stay," she smiled. "It's not impossible to fix things that are broken, Raffie. I don't think that she'd ever leave you. She loves you too much to walk away. Marriage is like a garden, you have to water and cultivate the plants. It takes patience and forgiveness to nurture the garden and lots of love. Something that neither you nor her are short on. In fact, I have the cure for you."

The bag that Catalina had brought in with her was from a second hand bookstore and she began rummaging through it before finally pulling out what she'd been looking for.

"It took several shops, but I finally found it."

"What's this?" Barba read the cover with a quirked eyebrow. "Abuelita, this isn't going to work."

"Don't say anything about it until you've tried it," she said quickly. "You think that it's silly, but Mrs. Rivera's daughter did it and it helped quite a bit."

"She and her husband still were divorced, Abuelita. I remember because I had to get her an order of protection from the court against her husband."

"Her husband was a drug addict," Catalina said sounding exasperated. "Comparing you and Ayanna Rivera's husband is like comparing apples to oranges. Just promise me that you'll try it. It won't fix all your problems, but it may help bridge the gap so that you and Elia can solve them together. Why don't you start with talking to Elia about the pain she's in? I know that next week she has an appointment with a doctor."

"What are you talking about, Abuelita?" Barba asked with a frown and worry was written all over his face.

"She didn't tell you?" Catalina said as a look of guilt over came her face. "Elia was on the phone with her doctor. She was in pain yesterday afternoon while you were working. I thought that I was going to have to call you to come help me get her to the hospital. She was on the phone crying and the doctor wanted to see her about the pelvic pain she was having. I thought she told you."

"No," Barba said quietly. "She didn't."

* * *

 _December 2, 2014…_

It was late in the day when Barba finally made it to his mother's apartment in the Bronx. He hadn't slept the night before. Thoughts about everything Abuelita had said about his parents swirled in his mind. Benson had called him with a case involving a frat at Tompkins Square University, but he'd ignored her for the most part and demanded more evidence. Benson jumped the gun often and failed to recognize that he had his own hoops to jump through. Knocking on Lucille Barba's apartment door, he heard her unlock it and gave a forced smile when she saw him. She looked tired and let out a long sigh.

"Mama called me this morning," Lucille sighed. "I suppose you have questions, Raffie. I made dinner."

Stepping inside the apartment, Barba smelt his favorite meal. He shrugged off his coat and put it on the coat rack. He followed Lucille to the kitchen that had been the same since he was a little boy. The wall paper, the table, the dishes…everything had been the same since he was a seven year old boy. His parents had separated and he realized that the money that Tomas Mera had left for his mother was how she'd been able to leave Juan Barba.

"What's the truth, Mama?" Barba demanded the moment he sat down in the chair. "Please, don't lie to me anymore."

Lucille looked so sad as she sat down. The meal was in the oven, twenty more minutes left on the timer and she reached for his hand and covered it with hers.

"I was seventeen when I met Tomas Mera. It was at the Met during a Renaissance exhibit. There was a section that I was in, the artwork of Raphael, the famous Italian painter. I was staring at his piece of artwork and Tomas dropped his brochure. We started talking and one thing led to another, mijo. I thought that I had been in love with Juan, but Tomas…he showed me what love really was. The time that I spent with him…they were the best months of my life and when he died…it felt like he took my heart with him, but he gave me you. You were his gift to me and every time I look at you, I feel like I'm looking at him."

"And Juan?"

"I had to marry him. An unmarried, pregnant, Catholic girl, mijo, in this neighborhood? They would have crucified me. Mama and I both knew that Tomas had left me money. Before he died, he'd set everything up with my mother. He must have known that Juan would force his way back into my life and we both agreed that I'd stay with Juan for a few years to make it look like I had saved up money to leave him," Lucille explained. "I had no choice and when he began to hurt you…I hated myself. All I could think was that Tomas would hate me too. He abhorred violence against women and children. At Columbia, he was active in making sure that the campus was a safe place for women regardless of age, race…he wanted everyone safe. It's where you get your sense of justice," Lucille told him with a tearful chuckle. "The day that he beat you bloody with the electrical cord, I told myself that were leaving. The drinking and the drugs were too much and you were Tomas' son. You were clever and smart and Abuelita and I saw it. Why do you think that she insisted on tutoring you after school? She knew that you had a mind like Tomas' that hungered for more than what the schools could offer you. The day you were offered a scholarship to Harvard, I cried at Tomas' grave. I told him how proud I was and how proud he would have been to see you. I'm for lying to you about all this…I just thought that…I didn't think actually. I hurt you and I'm sorry."

Leaning back in the chair, he shook his head, "I've hated Juan Barba since I was a little boy. Children are supposed to love their parents and I hated him. He…I want to blame him for so much that's happened. He hurt us and I...I don't know what to say, Mami."

"He's not your father," Lucille said firmly. "That man was never your father in my eyes and he turned to drinking and drugs when he put it all together."

"He knows?"

"Your eyes, mijo…you have Tomas' green eyes. Abuelita, myself, Juan…we all have dark eyes. He knew just from looking at you as you got older that you weren't his son and he hurt when he should have been hurting me. You look just like Tomas, not me or Juan."

"No," Barba said firmly. "I would have him hurt me all over again before he hurts you. Did you ever tell Juan directly that I'm not his son?"

"No," Lucille answered. "You've seen his anger. I'm not that stupid. I never wanted to hurt you, Raffie. Juan abused you and I failed to protect you."

"You didn't fail me, Mama."

"I failed you every time he hurt you," she murmured. "I was so grateful the day that I was able to get you out of his life. I'm so sorry, mijo."

Barba was quiet. In some ways, he was more than happy to know that the man who beat him as a boy, the man who he'd called 'Papi' was his father. In other ways, he was angry. He was a grown man and had the right to know that Juan Barba wasn't his father. Instead, the man who had fathered him was dead, not even knowing if he even existed. It was a painful, uncomfortable feeling that made him feel sick inside.

"Do you think that he knew about me?" Barba asked, feeling like a small boy again, looking for comfort. "Tomas Mera?"

"Yes," Lucille said tearfully. "I think that he knew before I did. He told me before he died that he regretted not having a family of his own. He told me that Raphael was his favorite painter and he always imagined naming his son after the man whose artwork inspired him. That's why I named you Rafael. It was a hint maybe at the time and I…I ignored it. You were made when he and I were so happy, Raffie. He was dying, but he was so happy and I was happy with him. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and he did get his wish. We are his family. Oh, I wish you could have met him. It breaks my heart that you and him...it was like God intended I could only have you or him and when God gave me you, I had to give Tomas up."

Lucille hugged him tightly and he hugged her back. He wasn't sure what he should feel exactly, but he knew the truth and it was up to him how he'd deal with it.

* * *

 _December 15, 2014…_

Rollins and Barba crossed the campus to the Dean of TSU's office.

"I just can't believe that she's dead," Rollins murmured as they crossed the courtyard where Lindsey had committed suicide. "I talked to her and she seemed…"

"You couldn't have known what she was planning, Rollins," Barba said briskly. "Don't blame yourself."

"You usually this comforting?" she asked with an arched brow. "I'll just let you do all the talking. I'm only here to arrest Dean Meyerson on obstruction charges."

He didn't respond because he didn't have an answer. In the two weeks since he'd found out about his biological father, he'd been withdrawn. He knew that he had. Elia had avoided him, not sure how to deal with him. Abuelita looked at him with self-pity and most everyone at the office avoided him. Elia had given his long suffering assistant, Carmen, a very generous gift at Christmas and Barba supposed that she was trying to prevent the woman from strangling him.

The truth was that he felt angry and confused. He was angry at his mother for lying to him and he was angry at Abuelita for covering it up. Elia had nothing to do with what had happened and she'd become the target of his frustration on several occasions. His sass had gotten the better of him twice and he'd thrown their impending separation in her face as a reason to leave him alone. She had only come to him, concerned by his behavior and he'd taken a knife and metaphorically stabbed her with.

Being shown into the Dean's office, Barba ignored the Dean and her lawyer. He was done playing nice with these people. They had impeded his investigation and they'd gotten in his way. A girl had died and it was time to play hardball. He took out the laptop that he'd brought with him and played the video that had been procured for him. As the video played, he and Rollins sat still in their chairs, watching the Dean shift uncomfortably in her seat.

"We raped her dead!" the boy on the video said. "We raped her gang-bang gangnam style!"

The boys on the video laughed as if the whole thing was a joke and he felt disgusted.

"The three of us at the same time," a second boy on the video bragged. "That girl was airtight!"

Barba hit the pause button and slid the laptop back towards him. He didn't want to hear the rest of the video, detailing exactly how the boys had hurt Lindsey. The Dean looked visibly shaken and he felt some measure of satisfaction.

"Do not say that I didn't warn you," he told her in a smooth, calm voice.

"I had no idea about any of this," Dean Meyerson defended. "If I had, I would've taken action."

"You took plenty of action that led up to this," Barba continued. "The Frats on this campus should have been shut down, you willingly hid reports, and god knows what else you did. I assure you that we will find out what happened. The truth always comes out."

"These fraternities have been here over a century and I did not hide reports. You attended Harvard, Mr. Barba, surely you understand the concept of a long, prestigious history and why I couldn't close down the frats."

Barba ignored her personal call to him, "That was your testimony, but after Lindsey's suicide, the detectives at SVU have received many calls, emails, zip drives. Your policy about looking the other way when it comes to rapes that happen on your campus…you've made some enemies, Dean Meyerson."

The woman looks suddenly nervous and she glanced over at her lawyer before looking back at him, "What do you want?"

Barba could hear Elia in his head telling him not to play with his 'food'.

"The Dean is willing to resign at the end of June," Meyerson's lawyer said carefully.

"That would have been wonderful two days ago," Barba told them. "But I have evidence of perjury and obstruction. Affidavits from your mental health counselor and campus patrol that your school policy was 'don't tell, don't report'."

"A year's probation at most, Dean," her lawyer assured her.

"Not quite," Barba continued as he leaned forward and rested his arm on the table. "We're charging Travis Carter and Wesley with multiple counts of rape. You and Mr. Barth, from campus security, are being named as accessories."

"Accessory to rape?" Meyerson's lawyer cried in surprise.

"No," the Dean of TSU defended. "I had nothing to do with that."

"If you want to come back and tell that to the grand jury, you're welcome," Barba taunted as he stood up. "You already waved your rights to immunity. Detective Rollins will read you your rights."

Leaving the Dean's office as Rollins arrested her, Barba went to the courtyard. The boys that had been arrested were being led through by the police and Dean Meyerson followed not long after. He stood still and watched dozens of girls hold up signs. Short words of what someone had told them involving their rape. So many people had been victimized at the school that it sickened him. What surprised him was seeing Elia standing with Lindsey's mother and Rollins, who had let Fin take over Meyerson's arrest. Elia had a small teddy bear in her hands. It was holding a heart with Lindsey's name stitched onto it. Barba walked towards them as his wife gave Lindsey's mother the teddy bear and a short hug.

"I'm Elia Barba," she said softly. "I just wanted to give you my condolences on your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through, but please know that you're in my and Mr. Barba's prayers."

He placed his hand on the small of her back when she stepped away from Lindsey's mother. Elia stiffened, but didn't shake him off. They stayed for the vigil and he told Rollins that he'd drive back home with Elia. The walk back to their car was silent. They walked apart and Barba felt guilty over the treatment of his family. Lucille, Abuelita and Elia were the only people he had in his life. His grandparents were only children as were his own parents. He had distant cousins, but he didn't keep in contact. Opening Elia's door for her, he let her slip inside before closing it. Getting into the driver's seat he turned on the car and blasted the heat.

"It was a nice vigil," Elia sighed as she slipped off her gloves and rubbed her hands together as the car began to heat up. Barba hummed in agreement and tried to compose the right words to say to her as they drove home. Benson would see that the boys that were arrested were processed and pass the case off to an intern of his to prepare. He had three of them now and they were hard workers, scared of him, but they were hard workers. Elia had knitted them scarves for Christmas and they'd been baffled by her kindness and it had thrown them off for the day. Pulling down their street, he glanced over at her before he sighed.

"I…I owe you an apology," Barba said quietly. "I snapped at you last week about Abuelita and you were right. I'm sorry."

"Abuelita told me everything," she murmured and he turned to look at her. "I know about Tomas Mera. I didn't say anything until now because it's not my business. I just…want you to know that I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you…it's my business."

"It is your business," he interrupted. "You and I are married. Besides, Abuelita seems to be very open about sharing between us. Don't be angry at her. She told me about the pelvic pain you've been having and that you went to the doctor about. What'd they say?"

Elia was quiet a moment before she rested her elbow on the car door and rubbed her forehead.

"I have uterine fibroids," she told him as he pulled into the parking space on their street and turned off the car. "They're muscular tumors that develop. I have three that are the cause of the pain."

"Elia, it's not cancerous, is it?" he asked feeling panicked, but she shook her head. Barba felt relief unlike anything he'd ever experience pass over him. It wasn't cancer, but he still felt worry for her. Elia was right that even though they were separating, he would always be there for her. They were friends before they were lovers and Emilio had helped them even after his death to find comfort and love with each other.

"No, they're just painful," she reassured him. "They did an ultrasound a few weeks ago and they gave me painkillers, but the doctor thinks I need surgery to fix the problem. They said that if I didn't have the surgery…I'd have a very difficult time carrying any pregnancy to term. They keep calling and I keep putting them off."

"How long has the pain been going on?" he asked as Elia opened the car door. He followed suit and they went inside. Catalina was already in bed, a note on the refrigerator let them know that she'd made dinner and it was warm in the oven. Elia slipped off her jacket and shoes while he did the same and turned the oven on to warm the food up.

"It started two summers ago," she explained once she was sitting on the bar stood at the island. He fished two bottles of wine out of their refrigerator and held them up for her to pick. She pointed at the red one and he grabbed two wine glass. He poured her a generous amount and wondered briefly if she should be drinking.

"You haven't had any painkillers today?" he asked as he gave her the glass.

"You don't have to worry about me," she told him. "I'm fine. To answer your question, it was just painful to begin with. I had discomfort and it got worse. After, I started having pain all the time and bleeding to the point where it was like hemorrhaging during that wonderful time of the month. I just…ignored it, Rafael. And it got worse. Sex became painful and I—"

"Why didn't say that you were in pain when we were together?" he interrupted as he put his wine glass down. "Elia, I would have never—"

"I didn't…I just…it wasn't really bad until after. You'd go to sleep and I'd take a bath and the warm water helped. I'd take a painkiller and it'd be fine," she reasoned to him. "I didn't tell you because it's not your problem to deal with."

"We had sex, Elia and it caused pain. You should have said something. Sex is the best part of life, it's not meant to be painful."

"Tell me about your dad," she said, changing the topic. Barba could tell that she was uncomfortable talking about sex with him. She probably felt vulnerable and after the way he'd been grumpily treating everyone, he could understand why she didn't want to talk about sex with him.

"Tomas Mera is dead," Barba said bluntly. "There's nothing to talk about."

"You've been through a lot."

"We've been through a lot," Barba said as he sat down next to her. "I keep asking myself how we got here, Elia."

"I know," she agreed softly. "I…I contacted a divorce lawyer. He said that he could represent both of us and we'd just divide everything equally and make this as painless as possible."

"That sounds like a joke. This is like ripping a paper in half. We're both going to have jagged edges to cut ourselves on."

Elia swirled the wine in her glass for a moment before she looked at him, "We can amicable. We can live here together. We can support Abuelita through Physical Therapy and—"

"No, we can't," Barba admitted. "I can't, at least."

"Why?"

He looked at her and she felt the warmth from his green eyes filling her. She felt the familiar pull to him like a magnate. She thought of the last time they'd been in the kitchen together and she'd kissed him.

"Every time that I'm with you, I have this out of control feeling to kiss you," he whispered as he leaned closer. "Elia, you have no idea how much it kills me every day to be here and know that I won't be your husband soon. I won't get to kiss you in the morning and I won't be able to kiss you at night and it scares me."

Elia knew that he was tempted to kiss her at that moment and she wasn't completely what she wanted. His lips would feel good and his hands would feel even better, but she couldn't go down that road. It would only lead to more pain for them both. The timer on the oven beeped, startling them both and Elia quickly stood up to put distance between them.

"Food," Elia said with a forced smile as she opened up a cupboard and grabbed two plates. "I'm starving."

* * *

 _December 17, 2014…_

George Diaz had retired from Harvard Law seven years ago and had lived in a luxury assisted living for the past four in Westchester County. The facility was an old thirty-four bedroom mansion that had been converted by the previous owners. It was private and the best that the old-moneyed Diaz Family could afford. It was difficult to see a man that he admired for so long becoming weaker each year, but Barba knew that life happened to everyone. Sitting in one of the sitting rooms, reading the New York Time, George Diaz smiled up at Barba when he saw him walking across the hard wood floors.

"I haven't seen you in sometime," the older man said in Spanish. "Elia still comes and sees me every week. She's been bring along your grandmother. They both tell me you've been busy."

"Si," Barba nodded as he sat down in the window seat. "I have been very busy. Elia wanted to come with me, but she's busy today with my Abuelita. They're decorating for Christmas."

"Elia has always enjoyed Christmas," George said with a sad expression on his face. "Emilio did as well. They'd get so excited about getting presents and baking treats with Mrs. Martinez. Maria would be angry if they got up too early on Christmas Morning or did anything she deemed wrong. I'll never forget when Emilio went through his stocking. He must have been ten and he was sharing the candy that he'd been given with Elia. They were so bouncy from the sugar. Elia fell asleep during the actual opening of presents. Emilio opened up both his and hers while she slept."

Barba smiled because he could imagine it. Elia wasn't one for sugary treats because they usually put her to sleep. She'd steal from his peanut M&M stash occasional after a rough day, but she was a healthy eater for the most part.

"I've been thinking about Emilio and Elia," George continued thoughtfully. "The test results came back yesterday. I didn't tell you or Elia because I didn't want you both to worry. I've been having…difficulties and they did a bone biopsy. I wanted to wait until after Christmas to tell Elia that it is cancer, lymphoma, stage III. I am opting out of treatment."

Barba was happy that he was sitting because he felt faint, "George, you can't say that. Elia, she needs you. Emilio and Elia would want you to get treatment."

"Elia has you and Emilio is dead."

"She asked me for a divorce," Barba admitted and he found himself telling George Diaz everything from his arguments with Elia, to the facts of his biological father, and his own fears about being a father after having lived with Juan Barba.

"Does knowing that Juan isn't your father change your perception?" George asked. a look of intrigue on his face as he listened. The man might have cancer, but his mind was still as sharp as a blade.

"I suppose," Barba admitted as he shifted uncomfortably. "I have wanted a family with Elia. I was just…I've always had a fear that I'd somehow turn into Juan. It sounds irrational, I know, but it's been there."

George sat back in his wheelchair and put the folded New York Times on the side table beside him. Babra felt like a young man confessing to a sin, but it felt better to finally tell someone what was going on in his head. Elia's father had always been a good listener and he supposed it was where she got her gift from.

"Juan Barba doesn't determine the kind of man you are," the older said after several minutes of silence. "Maria could never accept Emilio for who he was and I learned the most painful lesson the day he died. It's taken me years of speaking to doctors, but I've finally learned something that Emilio was trying to teach me. He wanted to live a life without fear and no regrets. Living in fear and living a lie is no way to live, mijo. Emilio lived and loved how he chose and had I protected him from Maria…maybe he'd still be alive."

"Emilio was brave," Barba agreed and smiled at the thought of his brother-in-law. "He was friend to me when no one was. I remember being new at Harvard. I was nervous and Emilio, he didn't care. He saw me and he deemed me his friend."

"Yes, he had a gift. He could befriend a turtle if needed," George chuckled. "He lived a better life than anyone, I think. He just couldn't take Maria trying to hurt and change him and I blame myself for that. I couldn't protect my son and if Elia didn't have you…I would have lost her too. I don't know what would have happened to her. I think she would have followed Emilio down a dark path just to be with him. They were inseparable because life forced them to be. Maria wasn't a mother. She was a monster that I subjected my children to and I was too busy to actually think about them. Those first few months without him, I think Elia forgot how to live before you. God knows that I have never been a help to her."

"We helped each other," Barba admitted. "Being around Elia, I could have sworn I felt Emilio with us the first few months."

"Emilio loved us all and I'm telling you this because you've done more good in people's lives Rafael than anyone else I know. You've helped more people and you've become a man that I am proud to call my son. Juan Barba and Tomas Mera…those men haven't made you the man you are today. You have done that by working hard all by yourself. The moral code that you have ingrained in your heart and your head isn't from your fathers or me. No, when you came to me, you already had a strict moral code that left me in awe. That came from your mother and grandmother. They taught you how to be a man and they gave you the standards that I've seen you hold yourself to," George smiled and patted Barba's knee. "If Emilio could see us now he'd tell us not to fear. He'd tell us to live life to the fullest and enjoy every breath we take. If you stop yourself from having a family because you're afraid of Juan Barba's past actions, you aren't being true to yourself and Elia. Now, tell me about your mob rape case, I saw it on the news and you're the lead prosecutor…"

* * *

It was almost an hour drive home from visiting George Diaz.

It was an hour that Barba enjoyed having in the silence of his car. In many ways, visiting George Diaz felt like closure and he'd said what Barba needed to hear. He'd wanted to be a father to Elia's children. He'd known that since the first time he'd seen her holding a toddler. He wanted to have Sunday meals like they did now, but he wanted to have his children there as well. He could imagine Elia with a little girl on her lap, speaking to her and helping her pick out something to eat. All the hopes and dreams that he'd buried inside, fearing Juan Barba, were coming back to life.

He felt hope for the future and his father-in-law was right. It didn't matter which man he considered to be his father, Barba was his own man. He was responsible for his own actions and how he decided to live his life. A life that he was dangerously close to losing and determination filled him. He wouldn't lose Elia. She was his world.

He decided a half an hour in to his drive home that he'd have to step down from being the ADA for two units. O'Dywer would have to understand that he just couldn't take on SVU, Narcotics, and all the special cases that were kicked his way. For his own sanity and Elia's, his marriage couldn't withstand his workload. He'd prosecute for SVU and the special cases, Barba decided. He had no interest in Narcotics, but he could do good helping SVU.

Thinking of the book that Abuelita had given him, Barba resolved that he'd work on it. There were chapters that asked him to do difficult things like examine himself, his role in his marriage, his role in his job, the personal and sexual relationship between him and Elia, and so on. Barba had a feeling that the book would help. As painful as it would be to examine all aspects of his life, he had to. If he had even the smallest chance of saving his relationship with Elia, he had to. He had so much that he wanted to do and his mind raced.

There were boundaries that needed to be set. He told himself that he wouldn't have sex with Elia until he was absolutely certain that it wouldn't be painful for her. When the time came for the surgery, he'd take paid vacation. God only knew how many days he'd earned over the years, but he had plenty of days stacked away that he'd use. He had googled uterine fibroids and as innocent as they sounded, the surgery sounded horrible. It wasn't like getting one's appendix removed. Elia would need several weeks to recover and it wasn't a guarantee that they wouldn't face problems further on when they did finally decide to start their family.

Pulling into the parking spot on the road outside the Brownstone, Barba turned off the engine and opened the small compartment in the consol. His silver wedding band was inside. He took the wedding band off when he was at the office or at court. It had been a habit since he'd started to wear it all those years ago. He wasn't one for wearing rings and he'd reasoned to himself that he was protecting Elia by not letting those he prosecuted know that he was married. Barba also knew that it hurt Elia. She knew that he didn't wear his ring always like she did and he resolved that he'd wear it. It wasn't just a ring to her, he realized. It was his way of showing commitment to her and their marriage, something that he'd been lacking in. Slipping on the silver band, he exited the car and locked it.

Fixing his marriage wouldn't happen overnight, he knew that. It would take time and patience, but he had every reason to fight for Elia. Life without her was not something he would except as his future reality.

* * *

Elia walked around the table, setting three plates down in a spot as Catalina sang along with the Christmas carols on the radio. Barba had called earlier and told Catalina that he was on his way home from visiting her father. Returning to the kitchen, Elia grinned at the smell of freshly baked bread. The whole house smelt good and she was starving.

"He better be home soon," Catalina remarked as she turned the stove off. "The food will be cold soon."

There was a knock on the front door and Elia frowned. Barba never knocked. He had a key and a spare in his car and it was too soon for him to be home. He'd only left Westchester a half hour ago. With traffic, he'd still be a good twenty minutes away at the least.

"He probably forgot his key," Catalina remarked with a shrug. "If you get that, carnio, I'll get the food on the table. I have to watch the Flan."

Elia nodded and went quickly to the front door. She didn't bother to look through the peep hole before removing the deadbolt and unlocking the door. Turing the knob and opening it, the smile died on her face when she saw who was on the other side.

Juan Barba looked older than he actually was. He reeked of booze and his harsh gaze was directed at her. His black hair was streaked with gray and he smelt as if he hadn't showered in days. The clothing he wore was baggy and some places were ripped. He didn't look anything like the father of a lawyer.

"You're not supposed to be here," she said quickly as she tried to close the door, but he put a hand out to stop her. "Rafael wouldn't want you here. You should go, Mr. Barba."

"Fuck that! You gonna let me?" he demanded in a harsh voice. "Move out of the way."

He used his shoulder to push past Elia and she winced at the blow. Juan Barba was three times her size and when he was angry…he had the strength of ten men. His last girlfriend, Melanie, he'd strangled and had got off on a technicality in court. The man was a murderer and Rafael had specifically told her to never let him into the house. He pushed her away from the door and locked it behind him.

"Where's my son at?" he asked in a harsh voice that had seen far too many cigarettes. "I need to speak with him."

"He's not here," Elia answered. "Come back later when he is."

"Smells like Catalina's cooking," Juan said with a smile that revealed teeth that were rotting and yellow. His mouth was a perfect example of why never to do crystal meth and he repulsed her. He forced his way to the kitchen and Elia followed him. Frantically trying to remember where she left her cell phone. She could call Benson or Fin, they'd come and help her. Hell, she needed to dial 9-1-1 as soon as possible. Juan was dangerous and he scared her.

"Catalina, you owe me money," he called as he entered the kitchen and went through to the dining room. Abuelita stopped and turned to look at him with wide, determined eyes. Elia went to stand by her side and felt her heart pound in her chest. The older woman put the knife down that she'd been using to cut the freshly made bread and squared her shoulders.

"I owe you nothing," the old woman spat back. "You shouldn't be here. Get out before we call the police."

"Not until you give me the money."

"I have no money to give you. I wouldn't give it to you if I did. All you do is use the money to get high and drink. You're despicable."

"I raised that little brat that calls you Abuelita," Juan spat as he became dangerously close to them. "I gave him my name and I married his whore mother. You owe me money for that."

"I owe you nothing," Catalina said stiffly. "I have no money to give you."

"No, but you have my money and I want it," Juan said as he slammed his fist down on the table. The sound of the china rattling together caused both women to jump slightly.

"I have no money to give you," Catalina repeated. "You have to talk to Rafael. He's in charge of the finances."

It wasn't a total lie, but Elia quickly stood in front of Catalina when Juan stepped closer.

"Go away," she said sharply. "We have nothing to give you. If you need money, talk to Rafael. We have nothing to say to you."

The feeling of his fist meeting her ribs caused Elia to cry out in pain. She hadn't been expecting the hit and he took her throat in his hands the next moment. Her neck was thin and frail between his two big hands and he squeezed. Black dots filled her vision and she couldn't breathe. No matter how hard she tried to inhale, the pain in her side and his hands around her neck wouldn't let her. She scratched at his hands as tunnel vision began to take over. Catalina's voice was in the background, begging the man to let go of her. His hands came off her neck and she sagged against the table, coughing and trying to catch her breath.

"You're not welcome here," she breathed after a moment, still feeling dizzy. "Please leave."

Juan pushed Elia hard. Her cheek met the corner of the dining room table and she cried out in pain. Catalina was up and out of the chair, around the table and going towards the kitchen. Juan made to go after her, but Elia grabbed the back of his pant leg and tripped him. He fell to the ground and his lifeless, cruel gaze turned on her. Scrambling to her feet as quickly as she could, Elia stepped back, afraid to make any sudden movements.

"You think that you can treat me like that you rich bitch," he snarled and picked up the bread knife that Catalina had been using moments ago. "You think that because my son puts his dick in you, you get to treat me like this?"

"Please, don't," Elia said as she held her hands up. "Please, Catalina has nothing to give you. Please, just go and we won't call the police. Just leave!"

He walked closer to her and every instinct in Elia told her to run. Not caring, she went running to the front door for help. She tripped over the rug and her hip slammed into the side table by the couch and she pushed the lamp towards Juan. Running down the hallway, her heart pounded in her chest. Her fingers trembled as she tried to undo the lock and tears blurred her vision. Hearing the click, she turned the door knob and threw open the door.

Barba was on the doorstep, his keys in his hand and a confused expression on his face. Tears of relief were in her eyes as he looked over his shoulder. He dropped the keys that he'd been carrying in his hand and stepped inside. He moved so that his body was between her and Juan.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded in a harsh voice. "I told you never to come here."

Sirens could be heard and Elia heard Fin's voice behind her saying that they had arrived at Barba's house. Elia grasped onto the back of his jacket and trembled. She felt dizzy and her whole body hummed with adrenaline. She and Barba were shoved to the side by officers, led by Fin. In the next moment, she was in his arms. His words sounded far away and black dots filled Elia's vision as she blinked up at him. He shouted something to Fin and slowly lowered her to the ground. Over Barba's shoulder, Elia could see Olivia Benson looking down at her worriedly.

"I don't feel good," she whispered to him for before blacking out, her head and throat aching.

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

 **Katie: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!**

 **Guest #1: Thank you for the review! I'm glad that you love the sexy scenes they are the hardest to write just because Barba has never kissed anyone on screen. Hopefully, things will begin to take an upturn:)**

 **Guest #2: Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story!:)**

* * *

 _William Lewis will not be featured in this story...he's just not vital to the plot and he's just a major head ache..._


	6. V: Let It Go

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all those who left a review! You guys are awesome! Again, some of the material you may recognize in the chapter may have been taken from the show such as cases, situations, and dialogue. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

15x2, 15x3

 **Part V**

"… _So come on let it go  
Just let it be  
Why don't you be you  
And I'll be me_

 _Everything's that's broke  
Leave it to the breeze  
Why don't you be you  
And I'll be me…"_

~ "Let It Go" - James Bay

 _December 18, 2014…_

It was in the early hours of Sunday morning when Elia woke up to lights being above her.

She felt like her whole body was floating and the bed wasn't beneath her. She could hear faint voices and the sound of equipment beeping. Opening her eyes, she realized that she was most likely in a hospital. Warm blankets were wrapped around her and a soft pillow was beneath her head. Trying to turning her head to the side hurt, but looking up, she could see a bag of saline hanging and tubing connected to it. Giving a slight moan, she realized just how sore her throat was. She felt like she'd swallowed glass and her whole body hurt like she'd been in a car accident.

"Relax, mi amor, they're going to give you something for the pain."

Hearing Barba's voice, she could see him above her. Her vision was fuzzy, but she could see a worried expression etched into his face. She felt her lips move, but she barely heard her voice. It hurt to speak and it hurt to even breathe. Someone rested their hand on her upper arm and she heard his voice again telling her to relax.

Suddenly, a pleasant rush passed over her and she felt nothing.

No pain and her muscles felt limp, Rafael's face was still above her and she struggled to keep her eyes open. She wanted to know what had happened and why she was in the hospital, but the pleasant euphoria that had enveloped her pushed those thoughts away. Her body felt light, but her eyes were so heavy. Telling herself that she'd close them for a moment, Elia did and she was sure the last thing that she heard was him telling her that he loved her and to sleep.

* * *

Barba slipped out into the hallway.

He had made certain that Elia was comfortable and covered in blankets. His mother and Abuelita were sitting with her in case she needed anything, but Barba didn't expect Elia to wake up anytime soon. They'd given her several large doses of pain medication and he briefly wondered if they were overmedicating her, but if she wasn't in pain, he supposed that it was better.

She'd opened her eyes briefly and the drugs did their job and put her back to sleep. Elia had been given an emergency x-ray and CT scan of her head and neck. The doctors were worried that Juan may have done damage to Elia's trachea and neck vessels. Her O2 levels kept falling and they eventually decided it was best to put an O2 mask on her. It had helped and she'd gotten better over the course of the past few hours. The scans had showed that Juan hadn't fractured any bones in Elia's neck, but the bruising was horrific and his ring had caused a laceration to the side of her neck that was stitched up.

Barba had used his right as her power of attorney to give the CSI team permission to take Elia's picture of her neck while she was unconscious earlier. The pictures along with Catalina's phone call to the police and statement was more than enough to arrest his father. When Elia woke up again and was less drugged, Benson had agreed to get her statement.

Fin had already taken the pleasure off arresting Juan and his father was being interrogated. According to Amaro, Juan Babra was blaming everyone for what had happened and threatening to kill both Elia and Catalina, but as soon as the prosecutor came in and offered a deal, Juan changed his story and accepted the charges of attempted robbery, and assault as well as a boat load of other charges that would put Juan away for several years.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee in the waiting room, he clenched his jaw. He'd never wanted to hurt another human being like he wanted to hurt Juan Barba, but he controlled himself. Elia needed him to be cool, level headed in case this had to go to court and she had to testify. She'd never liked having to show up to the courthouse. She wasn't him. She didn't thrive on competition and outsmarting the other side to win the case and deliver justice. No, Elia preferred helping people in other ways and it was what attracted them together, he supposed.

"How is she?"

Looking up, Barba wasn't surprised to see Olivia walking towards him. Considering how early in the morning it was, he expected most everyone to have gone home to get a few hours of sleep.

"She's in pain," he said after a few moments. "The nurse gave her more morphine to help with it. If she's feeling better they'll probably let her out by tomorrow evening. They're just worried that Juan may have caused damage to her trachea and neck vessels. They won't release her until they're sure that she's able to breathe on her own. The scans came back and she has no fractured bones in her neck.

"That's good news," Benson murmured with a nod.

"Is it?" Barba snapped and quickly apologized.

Benson nodded and explained that because Juan had made threats against Catalina and Elia, two officers were being assigned as a protective detail to the house and outside of Elia's door. Sitting down, in the waiting room chair, Barba took a sip of his coffee as Benson's settled in next to him.

"Elia had Finn on speed dial," Olivia said quietly. "That's how we responded so quickly. Catalina was lucky she hit the right button."

"Fin plays Euchre with Elia, my mother, and Abuelita every so often," Barba scoffed with a slight smile. "Abuelita would know his number for speed dial. God knows they take enough of his money. Abuelita and my mother are probably his bookies by now."

Olivia smiled, "He gets tag teamed that badly?"

"It's not that he's bad. He's just not as good as my mother and Abuelita. Besides, Fin is the only one Elia will play with. He told me that she complains that I'm too competitive for a team sport."

Olivia chuckled and Barba couldn't help but to smile at the thought of Elia turning him down as a partner.

He was competitive and he knew it.

Scrabble was his preferred game and Elia fought and played dirty against him when she knew that she was losing. It always amazed him how prominent her breasts would become when she was lying on her side or how she'd seductively bite her bottom lip when staring at her tiles. He'd get cocky, thinking he'd won and suddenly, she'd go in for the kill and half the time, he'd lose because he was distracted. Either way, it almost always ended in sex, neither side complaining about the outcome.

"We have another case," Olivia spoke up suddenly.

"I've got to be honest, Liv. I don't want to really hear about it," Barba sighed, hating to leave the thoughts of scrabble and Elia behind.

"You do, it's gonna be bad. It's the upper west side, single white women all over the age of forty, raped in their doorways," Olivia said. "They described the attacker as young, black, male, wearing a baseball cap and a hood. They were all push-ins and they all said he had a gun and told them 'I know you want it' before he beat and raped them. We think that we're looking at a serial. Same M.O., same verbiage, we have three victims. Tonight, Jolene Castille shoots Mehcad Carter, sixteen, because she thinks that he's gonna rape her. She shot him once in the chest, he's still in surgery. No gun was found on him. All he had in his pocket was a cell phone."

Barba groaned and let his head rest back against the wall, "And let me guess, you don't think the kid is the rapist?"

"I don't," Liv agreed. "I think she just shot an innocent black kid and this city is gonna riot."

He rubbed the back of his neck, "I have to get back. I told my Abuelita and Mama that I'd only go to get a cup of coffee. The best thing I can tell you to do is build a solid case against Jolene and a solid case in her favor. Play both sides until you get a clear picture and find out exactly who raped the other women and then talk to me again. We need facts, Liv. Not gut feelings."

Olivia didn't say anything when he stood up. He'd been away too long and he didn't want the women in his life thinking he'd abandoned them. Barba didn't have a chance to enter Elia's room. His mother came out and Abuelita followed slowly, leaning heavily on her cane. They both looked as exhausted as he felt.

"I was just coming to find you," Lucille whispered. "Elia will probably want a bath in the morning before she talks to Detective Benson. I have a change of clothes in the bag by the window. Just a pair of yoga pants, a loose top and a pair of sock. I told the nurse that you'd help her change and all that."

Barba nodded and kissed the cheeks of both women before they left. Slipping into the dim room, he spotted that his mother had left a pillow and a blanket on the narrow chair that was next to the bed. Pulling it closer, Barba stretched out and crossed his ankles after propping them up on the foot of Elia's bed. She didn't move and he knew that she wasn't in any sort of pain. He stuffed the pillow behind his head and closed his eyes, listening to the beeping of the machines around them.

* * *

 _December 19, 2014…_

Elia was quiet for most of the ride home. The nurse had given her two tablets of something before they left and Barba imagined that either the tablets hadn't started working or they would soon enough. Parking the Mercedes on the street, he got out and grabbed the bag that had been given to them at the hospital. Elia helped herself out and her eyes looked glazed. Whatever they had given her would be working soon and she looked like she wasn't in any discomfort. Catalina was already at the front door with a look of relief on her face.

Barba kept his hand on Elia's lower back, she was slow going up the stairs and held onto the railing with both hands. Catalina hugged her on the door steps and gushed to her in Spanish.

"Abuelita, she's a little out of it," he said quickly as Elia blinked several times.

"Oui," she giggled and launched into a length explanation of her hospital visit in French. Catalina looked confused and Barba chuckled. Elia had been doing it all night. For some reason, the drugs made her slur and she'd settled on speaking French to the doctors and making his life difficult.

"Let's get you upstairs and into bed," he told her. "Abuelita will bring some tea, won't you?"

"And some tequila, Abuelita," Elia called out in hoarse voice. "A large bottle to help forget all that has happened."

Barba guided her to the bedroom that they'd used to share and Elia looked at him with an arched brow, but he guided her in and helped her to sit down. Crouching down in front on her, he slipped off the ballet flats that she'd been wearing and stood up. It reminded him of earlier in the day when he'd helped her get washed up. The aids at the hospital had changed Elia's blankets and bed linen while he'd helped her wash up at the sink in the bathroom before she'd sat down in a chair and let him wash her back and shoulders. His mother had brought her loose clothing to wear. Olivia had gotten Elia's official statement after breakfast and left to talk to Jolene Castille while Elia slept most of the day before being discharged in the evening.

"Why am I not in my room?" she asked with a frown as she looked around the room that had once been theirs.

"Because you're sleeping here," he told her. "It's the most comfortable bed and there's a bedroom right across the hall."

He went into the walk in closet to put her shoes away, but he heard her talking to herself in the bedroom.

"He means your imaginary nursery, Elia" she said with a bitter chuckle. "The room that you pathetically stay in while he works Sunday afternoon away and you plan out exactly how everything would look. Always imagining a theme of Noah's Ark and its pathetic and sad. You should tell him how you actually went online the one time and almost bought all the pieces for one once. It was pathetic, Elia. It really was and now, you might never get to have kids. You are a pathetic, sad mess."

Barba closed his eyes as he listened to her. He could feel her pain and he didn't know what to say. He doubted that there was anything that he could say to ease her pain. His own fears may have very well robbed her of the few years that she'd been actually able to have children. Telling himself not to get ahead of anything, he went back to the room. Elia was lying across the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Did you think of any names?" he asked, lying down next to her.

"Isobel for a girl," she murmured. "I was thinking Emilio for a boy. But it's never going to happen. I'd rather not dwell on things that won't happen in my life and just learn to accept things the way they are. I should be mad at you for evesdropping."

"You talk loudly," he told her. "Don't give up."

"It would take an act of God for it to happen. You and I both know that."

"Tell me something that you haven't told anyone else," Barba asked with a smile.

"You're enjoying me being higher than a kite."

"You aren't usually this talkative," he admitted. "I suppose that I don't talk enough and you can be secretive."

She hummed in agreement before she sat up and looked at him. He helped her to stand up and figured that it was best to put her to bed. Elia would be giggly for a little while, but she'd be tired in a matter of time. Moving her to sit on the end of the bed, he made she that she wouldn't fall over.

"Do you know the first time that I saw you at my house when I was sixteen I thought 'that man is going to be a notch on my bed pole someday'," Elia giggled as he pulled back the sheets. Barba looked up at her and shook his head. The drugs that the nurse had given her were clearly setting in.

"What'd they give you at the hospital before we left?" he asked, but she ignored him.

"You were young and handsome with dark hair and grew out your beard. It wasn't just stubble, it was a beard, and the way you moved," Elia ignored him and continued dreamily. "And the first time you did that thing you do with your tongue…it was like going to heaven. I thought, 'God must truly love me to send a man who has the gift to do that with his mouth to me', mi amor."

"Vicodin?" Barba asked with a quirked brow. He had a feeling that no one had told the doctors that Elia became giggly from certain narcotics.

"Oxy," she grinned and laughed before bouncing to her feet and swaying a little. "Do you think that you could do that tongue thing now? I wouldn't mind it all, counselor. In fact, I think that I'd rather enjoy myself very much."

Elia immediately reached for the button of her jeans and undid them. She yanked them off and nearly fell over trying to unsuccessfully take her underwear off. She giggled when he scooped her up into his arms and carried her to bed. She sat on the edge and he reached under her oversized t-shirt that looked like one of his. He unhooked her bra and Elia's head rested on his shoulder.

"I don't want to leave," she sighed with a dreamy quality to her voice. "I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay here with you for the rest of our lives, even if we are miserable. Well, at least you'll be miserable. You never smile. Me, I''ll be happy because you do that thing with your tongue."

He snorted, trying to keep from laughing as he helped her out of the bra. In the back of his mind, Barba made a mental note to make sure that the doctors hadn't prescribed her only oxy for the pain. He held the back of Elia's knees and helped she scoot in the bed. The giggling had been short lived and now, she only looked tired. Settling the pillows around her, Barba pulled the blankets up from the bottom of the bed over her.

"Rafael," she murmured. "They gave me oxy. That's bad."

"I know," he chuckled. "Good night. I'll be across the hall. If you need me, just call."

Leaning over her, he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. It felt good to smell the citrus smell of the shampoo that she used and he reluctantly pulled away. Abuelita appeared with tea and left in on the nightstand before kissing Elia goodnight as well and leaving him alone to stand in the doorway and wonder just how he could fall asleep in the room that Elia bitterly called her 'imaginary nursery'.

* * *

 _December 23, 2014…_

It was early Friday night when Barba got home. Abuelita had made plans to have dinner with his mother and he'd made certain that he'd left the office so that Elia was only home for a few minutes by herself. A security system had been installed earlier in the week, a few days after Elia had been released from the hospital. Barba hadn't seen the point in having one before. They lived in a good, well-to-do neighborhood, but after the incident with Juan, Barba didn't want to take any more chances. When he'd laid in bed and thought about it, Barba realized that someday, God willing, he and Elia would have a family in their house. He shuttered at the thought of something happening.

Closing the door behind him, Barba dropped his keys in the depression glass dish that Elia had gotten years before. He slipped his coat off and listened to the soft murmurs of the television coming from the livingroom. Elia was up, sitting on their 'L' shaped couch in the corner with her legs covered by a cashmere blanket. Her hair was pinned up in a bun and she wore an old t-shirt that he recognized as once belonging to Emilio. The sound of knitting needles clicking against each other made him grin. She was stress knitter and he imagined that lying about all day, waiting for the doctor to clear her to go back to work wasn't Elia's dream of vacation. Warming up his dinner in the kitchen, Barba went to the living room and sat down next to her.

"You shouldn't eat in here," she pronounced without even moving her eyes from the TV. "What if you get food on the couch?"

"Its leather," Barba smiled. "How many episodes of _Murder, She Wrote_ have you watched today?"

Elia grabbed the remote and paused the TV, "Enough that I might stab myself. Please, tell me about something going on out in the world. The stitches in my neck are itching like crazy and I don't know what to do with myself."

He debated about telling her about his case. Jolene Castille, celebrity chef turned racist killer, but something held him back. Barba thought about the book Abuelita had given him. He'd been working on and it hadn't been the most enjoyable things. He wasn't going to tell her about it, but he recognized that he and Elia didn't talk about personal matters much. Mostly, he told her about work or complained about the interns he had and she…she didn't say much of anything to him anymore. She was secretive and he supposed that he'd let her down enough times that she'd learn to just keep things to herself. They didn't often have meaningful conversations and when they did, it wasn't usually a topic either of them enjoyed. He had one goal for the week ahead and that was to do two unexpected and unexplained gestures as an act of kindness to Elia. Every instinct in him wanted to finish his meal and go work on his cases. He had a meeting with Jolene Castille soon and he hated not being prepared, but he wasn't going to leave her miserable and alone.

"The, uh, Met has a new exhibit coming out," he said conversationally. Elia turned and arched a brow at him with an odd look on her face. For a moment, he felt like a sixteen year old boy trying to talk to the pretty, cheerleader that was way out of his league. Clearing his throat, he slipped his dress shoes off, crossed his ankles and put his feet up on the coffee table. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he quickly opened the email of the exhibit that had been forwarded to him and showed Elia. He was bad at making small talk with his own wife and that made him want to wince.

"Monet's Lillies arrive from France," she read the title aloud, a slight smile on her face. "Interesting, how'd you find out about this?"

"Carmen," he said, not telling her the part where he'd asked his assistant to forward all social events for museums, musicals, and so on for the next year. The book had emphasized that it was important to do things that they enjoyed outside the house and eventually, Barba planned on asking to a date and he wanted to be prepared. There was only one shot to fix things and he couldn't screw it up.

"You're poor, longtime suffering assistant is sending you Met emails?" Elia smiled as she scrolled through the email and looked at the pictures from the online exhibit brochure.

"She's not poor, not after the Christmas gift you gave her."

Elia nodded and he saw her reach up to itch her neck, but she stopped herself. Her face twisted into an expression of annoyance as she handed the phone back to him without a word. Before she could reach for the remote and play the episode, Barba cleared his throat.

"Wanna play scrabble? It'll take your mind off the itching of the stitches," he said on whim, surprising both of them. Elia looked startled for a moment, but grinned.

"That's the best things I've heard in days."

* * *

He was getting his ass kicked.

He was getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter and he hoped to God that no one saw how badly he was losing. There had been a time when he and Elia could spend an entire afternoon going head to head against each other and it would be intense, but in thirty minutes, she'd taken the lead so far that there was no way he could win outright. He could try to catch up, but Elia would defeat him or they'd run out of squares, whichever came first.

As badly as he was losing, he was enjoying being with her. His goal of taking her mind off the pain and her stitches had worked. Barba had even accomplished making her laugh at one point due to his inappropriate word and it felt good. He watched as she placed the squares out on the board and silently groaned.

XENON

"And it's a triple word score," she said with a self-satisfied grin as she scooped up more tiles. "Did you wanna count the points or should I?"

"I think you once told me that no one like a sore winner," he ventured, silently acknowledging that it was a very good play on her part. He would have done the same thing if he'd had the squares.

"You rub everything," she bantered back. "You play hard and competitive. It's why I refuse to play Monopoly with you. You spend too much time in the courtroom and not enough time realizing that life is not a competition."

"Life is a competition whether you agree with me or not," he defended and she scoffed loudly. "It's not my fault that you're not good at buying real estate."

Looking over his pieces, Barba quickly saw a word that would at least give him some points.

NICE

"That is the last word I would use to describe you playing board games."

Before he could say another word, his phone began to vibrate on the coffee table. Elia looked over at the phone like it had made an offensive noise and he realized that to her, it probably was offensive. Reaching out, he silenced it before tucking it into his pocket. If it was really, truly important, someone would repeatedly call, but for now, the phone was not important. His actions surprised Elia judging by how large her eyes had grown before she covered her shock.

"I can disconnect from it," he told her.

"You can after I ask for a divorce, not when married to you," she stated looking at the board. "That's the difference."

"You and I are still married until the judge grants a divorce petition."

Elia moved her pieces onto the board.

CONUNDRUM

Barba let out a deep breath as she counted up the points. Her word described his situation. He was in a conundrum about how exactly he was going to save his marriage.

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

 **I know that this chapter is not the longest, but I will be setting it up for the arrival of Alex Muñoz and Yelana, next chapter and the chapters that follow. It will be longer than this one so hopefully that will make up. Also, I'm sorry to those I didn't send a preview to, life got the better of me these past couple of days. Let me know what you think!**


	7. VI: Hello (Part I)

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! This story has 60 reviews, 46 followers, 27 favorites, and over 3000 views! You guys are awesome! Again, some material that you recognize in the chapter is directly taken from the show, including dialogue, cases, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a a review!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

 **Part VI**

"… _They say that time's supposed to heal you  
But I ain't done much healing_

 _Hello, can you hear me?  
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be  
When we were younger and free  
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet_

 _There's such a difference between us  
And a million miles…"_

~ "Hello" – Adele

 _January 31, 2015_

Elia was surprised to see that the dress that had been given to her in the wrong size had been exchanged.

A size two petite had replaced the size four that had been on the wrong hanger at the department store. Two days ago, she'd been complaining to Abuelita about finding time to go make the exchange of the new dress she'd gotten for work and it was done. A small note was taped to the hanger with the receipt and she easily recognized Barba's neat, cursive handwriting.

Taking the note off the hanger, Elia read his words about having time in between arraignments and lunch to run to the department store for her and if the dress still didn't fit, he'd return it for her the next day. Hanging the dress in the closet, she wasn't sure what to say to him and that was becoming the story of her life. Suspicion had long replaced confusion and confusion was slowly morphing into something that Elia barely understood herself. Something that she wasn't able to verbalize aloud or put to words in her head.

Things had been different between her and Barba in the past month and she couldn't understand how night had become day in such a short time. It had all begun with a kiss on the cheek, Elia thought with a slight smile. Barba had started coming home at an actually decent time that didn't have Abuelita or her leaving his plate in the oven to keep warm. It didn't mean that he didn't work for an hour or two after dinner, but Elia had noticed after that week that he'd begun to make an honest effort to arrive for dinner.

Next came greeting both women with a kiss on the cheek and a smile. At first, his lips against her cheek had startled her. Him being so close to her had been difficult. It wasn't that she was disgusted with his person, it was the opposite. His kiss on her cheek had been pleasant and she'd found herself enjoying the feeling. She'd begun to associate the smell of his cologne with his lips and the warmth that spread through her when he kissed her cheek. The sandalwood and citrus scent that was entirely his own and it brought memories back.

Memories that would come rushing back after each kiss on the cheek, but beyond that kiss, Barba didn't stray. Their shoulders might touch when they sat next to each other at church or his hand might brush against her arm when they stood. Occasionally, he'd place his hand shoulder if he was leaning down to whisper something to her that Abuelita didn't need to hear. Besides those few brief touches, he didn't try anything else and it left her head spinning with confusion and irritation at her body. The man that she'd married was slowly changing into someone that surprised her and she suspected that he silently enjoyed her surprise. None of the surprises were bad, they were good and she felt happier with each one that he gave her.

How could she forget when the laundry had been finished before she'd gotten back from her evening run shortly after Christmas?

It had all been folded and tucked into the baskets assigned for each member in the house. She'd thanked Abuelita with a smile and a kiss on the cheek, but when the older woman had confessed to napping all afternoon, Elia had been shocked. Barba hadn't mentioned doing the laundry at all when she'd walked in the front door. He hadn't teased her that his folding was far better than hers. He'd simply done it and hadn't said a word. That week, it had taken her two full days to figure out how to approach her husband about the laundry.

When she thanked him, he'd accepted her thanks, but he'd stated that it was a responsibility that they both should share. Hearing her normally cocky, arrogant lawyer husband with a humble tone had left her feeling like someone had tossed her into the X-Files or the Twilight Zone. By the time that she'd left his study on the first floor, walked to the stairs and up to the second floor to take a bath, Elia had convinced herself that none of it had happened and that she was dreaming.

But it wasn't a onetime occurrence.

Now, laundry being folded and done on a regular basis by him wasn't so much a surprise, but an enjoyable treat. She'd spied him once or twice on the phone with a detective from SVU, telling the detective about a warrant or explaining the legality of a certain aspect of a case, all while folding laundry. It had actually brought a smile to her face and she enjoyed having some free time to herself. She'd even found herself thinking about the surgery that the doctor had recommend and spending the time that she'd normally spend on laundry and ironing with friends.

Laundry wasn't the only thing that Barba had started doing. He was calling daily at lunch and Elia almost smiled at the thought. Even if she couldn't get to the phone, Barba left a pleasant message telling her that he loved her and hoped that everything was going well. The first few times that he'd called were uncomfortable, but she realized that they were slowly beginning to build a dialogue between them again. Something that they had lost a long time ago was being found again. It was a ritual that she was beginning to look forward to everyday.

When he called during the noon hour, they didn't talk about work. Instead, they'd talk about whatever struck. Yesterday, they'd talked about going to see Monet's lilies at the Met and he'd wanted to make a day of it with her. Just the thought of a day with him made her body tingle with nervousness and her heart pounded in her chest at the thought of being alone with him…just the two of them.

The sound of her cellphone ringing startled Elia. Looking at the screen, she froze. Louie Van Marker was one of the best divorce attorneys in the city of New York. The man had helped plenty of people that she knew and he'd offered to represent both her and Rafael to make the process as painless as possible since both husband and wife were determined to be amicable. Elia had talked to him shortly before Christmas, but she hadn't called since. Not with everything that had happened and she knew that each day that she let Rafael get closer the more painful their separation would be later. Before she'd had his indifference and now that she had his attention, it made everything different.

Their divorce wouldn't be nasty.

It'd be a painful blood bath.

Her heart was being put into a food processor and destroyed all because of the simple fact that she wanted children and he didn't. There was no compromise on such an issue. She hated it and hated him to some degree for not being complete honest from the beginning. She heard the rustling of clothing and the popping sound of buttons being undone and swallowed hard. He was home and changing and she was in what used to be their walk-in closet, cornered.

"The phone is ringing," Barba stated and Elia looked up from the screen. He had loosened the tie around his neck and was undoing the cuffs of his light blue dress shirt. His suit jacket and vest were already hanging by the laundry basket, along with the red socks that he'd worn for the day.

"It's not a number that I know," she explained quickly, thinking of Charles and how he'd been silent since she received the first love letter. Guilt flooded her as she thought about the manila envelope in the top drawer of the dresser in the second bedroom. She stuffed the phone into the back pocket of her jeans and quickly excused herself after thanking him for exchanging the dresses.

Safe outside their old room, Elia quickly listened to the voicemail her attorney had left, urging her to call as soon as possible to talk about the conditions of the divorce and to see if she was prepared to take the next step. Deleting the voicemail, Elia had never felt more lost and confused in her whole life.

* * *

 _February 1, 2015…_

Barba slipped a book back into place on the bookcase behind his desk. Slowly lowering the glass cabinet door, he was surprised when he heard a knock on the door. Carmen usually left him alone during lunch hours, knowing that he didn't want to be disturbed. He planned to call Elia in a few minutes and supposed that if Carmen was interrupting him, it was important. Catching sight of a familiar face, Barba was shocked to see Alejandro Muñoz walk into his office.

"There he is!" Alex smiled. " _Mi Hermano_ from Jerome Avenue. ¿ _Que pasa_ , Rafael?"

Barba walked around his desk and was swept up into an unexpected, but brief hug.

"I'm running for mayor next fall," Alex said with a grin. "I'll need your vote."

"Uh-huh, you don't have to visit me for that," Barba replied. "What are you doing here?"

He knew full well that Alex was running. He wasn't deaf to the rumors coming out of City Hall about the candidates that were potentially eyeing the position as New York City Mayor. He wasn't deaf to George Diaz and the political weight that the man carried behind him either. Elia had several friends that were high placed in both parties and she'd told him months ago about the unconfirmed rumor of Alex Munoz running for office.

"I was in the neighborhood and I figured that I'd stop by and see if my oldest friend wanted to grab a cup of coffee," Alex explained.

"I'm already on my fourth cup, but I'll get you something," Barba said, hoping that he could politely decline Alex's offer. It was only in the past week that Elia had begun to trust the sincerity of his actions and words and he didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize that trust. It was fragile still and if he broke it again, Barba wasn't certain that he'd ever revive it.

"You have Bustelo? Let me guess, Starbucks?" Alex joked mockingly and Barba felt a slight offensive feeling grow in his chest. Carmen frowned, but she quickly went off to get a cup of coffee for Alex when he asked. In that moment, Barba realized that Alex wasn't there as a social visit. The man closed the door behind Carmen and slipped his hands into his pockets.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure. Anything, Alex," Barba murmured as he slipped his own hands into his pant pockets. He leaned back slightly against the corner of his desk and crossed his feet over his ankles. His goal was to appear casual, but nothing about this visit felt casual.

"It's about Eddie."

"Eddie? Eddie Garcia from the Projects?"

"He got into a stupid fight with a girl," Alex explained. "She says that he tried to rape her. SVU picked him up last night. We got to take care of him."

"Take care of him?"

"You know that Eddie didn't try to rape that girl."

"I don't know anything until SVU bring me their case," Barba answered diplomatically.

"Just look into it for me," Alex asked. "Eddie…he's had it rough for a long time now. He's been working on my campaign the last couple of weeks and we've really reconnected. I know that he didn't do this, but I don't want to see something happen to him because of his past, where he's been, or the color of his skin."

"You think I prosecute rapists and murders for all those reasons?"

"I think you prosecute them because you know that they're guilty. Others sometimes don't see the world like you and I do. They haven't seen people live the way that we've lived."

Wondering if Alex's favor was extending beyond what was ethically right, Barba nodded and found himself agreeing to look at Eddie's case and ask Olivia Benson about the incident. Carmen brought coffee and handed the cup to Alex. Before she could close the door again, Alex caught it and smiled at her.

"Thank you," he said before turning back and looking at Barba. "One more thing before I go, Yelena and I wanted to know if you and Elsa wanted to join us for dinner next week. Just a casual dinner between old friends, Rafael."

"Elia," Barba corrected automatically. "My wife's name is Elia. I don't see why she and I couldn't go, but—"

"Great! I'll send you the details. Yelena will be happy to see you again. She talks about you often. I'll see you soon!"

Alex left a few minutes later and Barba collapsed down into his chair with mixed feelings swirling around in his head. He didn't think that Eddie had actually attempted to rape someone, but Olivia wasn't one that normally tracked down suspects that she didn't think worthwhile. He also didn't know when Alex's practices have become so…grey. Looking into Eddie's case, knowing their personal history, seemed boardline unethical and if someone he knew was about to do what he was going to do, Barba would tell them to stop. However, Alex was right about Eddie and his history. A prosecutor who wasn't good would look at Eddie and automatically assume guilt because he was Latino and from the Projects. It wasn't his actions that would cause him to be prosecuted, but his skin color and place of birth.

Hearing a knock on the door, looked up and was surprised to see Elia standing in the doorway of his office. Her cheeks were rosy red from the cold outside as were the tips of her ears. She looked happy to see him and stepped inside his warm office as Carmen closed the door behind her.

"I didn't know you'd be over here," he said as he stood up and kissed her cheek. She smiled softly at him before raising the bag of food that she'd brought with her from a favorite Lebanese restaurant not too far from Hogan Place. Quickly, Barba cleared off the round table in front of the marble fireplace and Elia slipped off her wool dress coat.

"I had a hearing at the court house," she explained as Barba set out the food she'd brought. "A custody battle gone wrong and the father summoned me to discuss his wife's mental health. I was asked a whole bunch of questions that I could not answer due to patient confidentiality and privacy laws. It was a waste of a morning."

"So that's why you glared at your coffee all morning," Barba smiled as she moved over to the sidebar where he had an hour old pot of coffee sitting. "Here I thought that Abuelita had possibly made a bad pot."

"Why don't you have a keurig or something like that?" Elia asked him with an arched brow. "You are the only person that I know that has an actual coffee pot that makes coffee with grounds instead of a little white container."

"No one will steal my coffee because it's in a glass pot," he grinned. "I can tell when it goes missing."

"And you've scared every intern that is on the floor," she concluded, moving to sit down beside him. They ate in silence for a few minutes before Barba brought up Alex Muñoz's visit. He gave her a brief summary of the conversation that had transpired and she frowned.

"So, he just appeared here?" Elia asked after few moments of silence. "Just out of the blue and asked you to help Eddie."

"Yes."

"That's strange, Rafael," she admitted in between bites of food. "When was the last time he actually spoke to you and not asked a favor?"

"Alex is my oldest friend," he said defensively. "Eddie is too."

"What he's asking you to do sounds wrong, Rafael."

"Elia, growing up was difficult on Jerome Avenue. Out of the three of us, Eddie has had it the hardest. His wife flaked on him three years ago and left him alone to raise a child without any support and he takes care of his ailing mother. Eddie isn't you. He doesn't have friends in high place that he went to school with and doesn't have the luxury of old money. Alex and I are the most well connected people that he knows. I have to help him."

The words left before Barba could stop them and he instantly regretted it. Elia stiffened next to him and pushed the food around with her plastic fork. It was a low blow and he knew it, bringing up the money and friends, but he wanted her to understand that not everyone had summered with the children of America's elite growing up.

"I see," she said finally as she nodded her head a few times. "He doesn't have the old money that you happen to enjoy because my brother died and left it to you. He doesn't have the _privilege_ of being born into _my class_. I understand perfectly, Rafael."

"Elia—" he tried, but she stood up quickly and reached for her coat.

"I have an appointment that I forgot about," she interrupted and they both knew that she was lying. In the blink of an eye, she had the coat on and buttoned. She thanked him for lunch and left Barba alone feeling like an idiot. Rubbing his hand over his face, he let out a long breath. Elia wasn't someone who flaunted what she had. She wasn't a person who abused social connections. Barba wouldn't have known that she partied once with the daughter of a former president during an intense summer vacation if she hadn't showed him the pictures one night when they'd been moving their things into the Brownstone.

Picking up his cell phone, Barba tried to dial her, but she sent him straight to voicemail. No longer hungry, he boxed up the food for later and tried to return to work. It took him twice as long to complete half of what he wanted to get done by the evening. His focus was hung up on Elia and their conversation. He'd never had difficulty concentrating in the past, but all he could think about was how he'd painful put his foot in his mouth. Over the afternoon, he'd called Elia twice again, hoping to speak with her. Both times, it had gone straight to voicemail.

* * *

It was late in the evening when Elia finally worked up the courage to go downstairs and talk to him.

"I'm sorry," Elia said, standing in his study doorway in jeans and a cashmere sweater. "I shouldn't have walked out at lunch. You had every right to make those points."

He watched her shift her weight from foot to foot, unsure of what to do next.

"Alex invited us to dinner with his wife, Yelena, next week," Barba answered as he closed the case file he'd been working on. "I, uh, accepted the invitation. He texted me earlier, asking if the sixth is alright for our calendar."

"Okay, I've never meet Yelena. She's his wife, right?"

"Yeah," he told her as he leaned forward and turned off the desk lamp. The light from the fixture above them was dim and Elia could tell that the bulb would need to be replaced soon and made a mental note to buy one when she went out next. He was packing up his briefcase for the next day, obviously ready to go to bed and be finished for the day.

"You asked me about that surgery for the uterine fibroids that I have a few times over the last couple of weeks," she said hugging herself as she looked at him. "I, uh, called the doctor this afternoon about it."

He paused in packing his briefcase and looked up at her with worried eyes, "And? What'd they say?"

"I, uh, scheduled to have a laproscopic myomectomy on the sixth of April," she told him. "I told the office that I would have to take the month of April and part of May off for the surgery. The doctor told me to not expect to be up and out of bed the first three to four weeks of surgery. I just wanted you know that and do not hold anything that I say against me while I'm under the influence of narcotics."

A smile came over Barba's face as he looked briefly down at the case files on his desk before he looked back up at her, "You're kinda cute when you're on drugs. A big flirt if I remember right from before Christmas."

"I also humiliated myself by telling you things that were never really meant for you to hear," Elia replied, flinching a little at the vauge memory of telling him about her 'imaginary nursery'.

"You remember that?"

"I've been trying to forget it, but yes. So, come April, please shut me up before I say something like that aloud again."

"I'll do my best," Barba promised. "Should we look into hiring a nurse for the weeks after your surgery? I can take the week of the sixth and the week after off to help, but I doubt that the DA will let me be gone any longer. Fourteen days is the max, I think."

"Why would you take two weeks?" Elia asked looking confused. "I'll be sleeping most of the time and drugged up."

"From what I read, you won't be able to take the stairs on your own until the end of the second week, Elia. I'm sure you'll have follow up appointments for various reasons and you'll need someone to drive you to the doctor's office and wait with you," Barba reasoned. "Abuelita will be able to help to some extent, but there are some limitations to that idea too. This is all assuming that the surgery doesn't have complications."

Elia felt her bottom lip tremble a little. She had done her best in the past few weeks not to think about the surgery. She was terrified inside that something would go wrong and the surgeon would end up doing a complete hysterectomy while she was drugged on the table. Her own doctor wasn't certain that taking out the fibroids would guarantee that she'd even be able to get pregnant afterwards. It seemed so much simpler to just ignore the fact that she needed to have the surgery.

Arms enveloped her and Elia closed her eyes tightly to hold back the tears of fear that threatened to overwhelm her.

"We'll get through this together," Barba whispered to her, his cheek resting on the top of her head and his hand rubbing the center of her back. "No matter what happens, we'll get through it together, okay? I'll be there for everything, just tell me what you need."

Elia nodded, "I promise to."

He didn't say anything, but his arms tightened around her and for the first time throughout the whole medical process that she'd been involved in, Elia didn't feel alone. She felt comforted by the fact that he'd be there when she woke up from surgery and the days after. She hadn't expected him to take so much time off, but deep down she knew that she'd need him when the time came. She'd been doing her own research about the surgery and from all accounts, it wouldn't be the easiest recovery.

* * *

 _February 6, 2015…_

The Muñoz House in Westchester wasn't a house, Elia thought when Barba pulled up, it was a mansion. A mansion that was gaudy and clearly tried to show off just how rich the owner was. Yelena opened the front door and ushered them into the white and black marble foyer. She closed the door behind them and instantly pulled Barba into a hug before he even had his wool dress coat off.

"It's so good to see you," Yelena gushed over him and gave a hug that was a moment too long to be considered friendly. She pulled away as Elia slipped her jacket off and Barba did the same before taking them and hanging them on the foyer chair near the door.

"Yelena, it's good to see you as well," Barba said with a smile. "This is my wife, Elia. Elia, this is Yelena. She's been a friend of mine since I was a child."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Elia told the woman with a forced smile of her own and got a distinctly chilly feeling down the back of her spine as the other woman smiled back. Yelena was a beautiful with dark hair and dark eyes. She was tall and curvy with hips and an athletically toned body that Elia could see even under the navy blue dress she wore.

"It's wonderful to meet you as well," Yelena replied, ever the gracious hostess. "Alex is on a phone call and will be here soon. Come and have a glass of wine."

Barba let her go ahead of him and Elia followed Yelena to the sitting room off the foyer that was connected to a dining room. Food was being set up by a caterer and a waiter was waiting to pour them all a glass of white wine. Yelena quickly began speaking in Spanish to Barba and Elia sat in her chair, sipping her wine, letting the other woman monopolize her husband's attention. She didn't care that she was probably being rude by saying nothing, but Elia didn't care. Listening to Yelena go on and on began to grate on her nerves in a way that she hadn't experienced since the death of her mother. She'd always had a strained relationship with the woman and perhaps the reason why Elia didn't like Yelena was because Alex's wife reminded her of the dead woman.

As if by an act of God, Alex Muñoz appeared at the perfect moment when Elia thought that she would scream from having to listen to Yelena speak quickly to Barba in Spanish, as if she wasn't in the room and couldn't understand the fact that the woman was almost openly flirting with her husband. As a group, they went into the dining room where food had been laid out by the caterer and the waiter. Everything looked and smelt delicious and she smiled slightly. At least she'd be well fed, Elia reasoned to herself as she sat down across from Barba. He gave her a small smile and she returned it as she placed the black linen napkin in her lap.

From the start of dinner, Elia had the distinct feeling that her presence was unwanted. She listened and ate slowly as Alex and Yelena dominated the conversation with Rafael, talking about all sorts of issues and people that they'd grown up with on Jerome Avenue. People, places, and issues that Elia couldn't possibly have prior knowledge of and that was what tipped her off to the possibility that she wasn't exactly welcomed, simply tolerated as Barba's 'plus one'.

"Well, we always had such fun during the summer," Alex smiled at one point as he stared lovingly at Yelena. "Remember, constantly trying to keep Rafael out of trouble that his mouth would cause. That was the real struggle, Yelena."

Elia listened to the words and felt vaguely disconnected from the conversation as she pushed her peas around her plate. She didn't care about what they talked about, she just wanted a topic that could include her in the conversation, but even then, Elia doubted that Yelena would ever allow such a thing to happen. The more the woman talked, the more Elia wondered if her mother's demonic soul had possessed the woman in front of her.

"Everyone agreed that Rafael would probably end up in prison because of his mouth, but now, he puts people in prison and saves those who are wrongly persecuted," Alex announced with grin and Barba snorted.

"Alex," he warned, but he was shushed.

"It's true," Yelena said quickly. "It's true! Look at what you've done for Eddie! He did nothing to that girl and the police were convinced that he did. If you ask me, they saw him, an innocent Latino man, and profiled that he'd be the only person able to attack a white woman."

Elia shifted uncomfortably and she saw that Barba tightened his hold on his glass. Neither one of them could speak about what had happened, but Elia was certain that Eddie had been in the woman's apartment when he had assaulted her. He hadn't been on the street and the police hadn't randomly grabbed him. No, Eddie had been at the scene of the crime and had lied about what had happened if she relied on the bits and pieces that she'd gathered from Fin.

"You didn't have that growing up, did you?" Alex asked her and she froze. "The police coming after you, thinking that because you are poor and hard working, you are automatically guilty."

"I didn't grow up in the city," Elia told Alex. "I grew up in Cambridge. I was born in New York, but when I was four years old we moved. My father was hired as a professor at Harvard Law. My brother, Emilio, and I didn't come back to New York until we came for boarding school when we were fourteen."

"So, you never had to deal with real poverty issues that many in the city face," Yelena concluded with an air of superiority. "It must have been quite an experience having all that money and no problems. That's the problem with the current mayor. He's never had to deal with financial problems. Everything has been handed down on a silver platter."

Elia shifted in her seat uncomfortably again and was beginning to wonder if she'd spend all dinner in such a state, "I assure you, I had plenty of growing pains just like everyone else. My brother and I were not given credit cards and told to go wild or anything that you can imagine. My father was not like that. I admit, we had nice things, but it wasn't a carefree setting like you think."

"But you didn't face the problems that the Latino community face today," Yelena pestered. "Are you even Latino or simply white? You just…don't look like a person who can call themselves a real Latino."

"Elia's father is George Diaz. A famous judge noted for being the first Columbian on the bench and her mother is from Lisbon," Barba quickly jumped in to cover the moment. "Don't be prejudicial, Yelena. You and I both know that looks mean nothing."

"Exactly," Alex agreed. "Look at Raffie, you wouldn't think at first that he's a Cubano until you hear him speak Spanish."

"Or write," Yelena gushed with a dreamy expression on her face. "You should see his handwriting from all the notes we passed each other when we were dating in college. He always had such elegant words and no one can write a letter like you, Rafael."

"D-d-dating?" Elia stuttered and was sure that she would have choked on her wine if she'd been drinking it.

"You didn't know that?" Yelena said with a slight sneer on her face. "Raffie and I dated for two years in college. Freshman and sophomore year, but it didn't work out. The space between us was just too much."

It felt like someone had thrown cold water on her. Elia raised her glass of wine to her lips and talked herself into not downing it like she wanted to. Setting the glass back down, she picked up the napkin in her lap and brought it to her lips. She felt like she was in high school again and the woman across from her reminded Elia of Victoria Ashby, the queen bee of the school who'd inflicted terror on all the girls.

"I didn't," Elia answered in smooth, even tone that she hoped convinced the others of her neutrality. "Thank you for telling me."

Dinner passed as she expected it to and it was painful. Clearly, Yelena didn't want her there. Rafael was their objective. While Alex flirted with Yelena and brought up the escapades of their youth, he did his best to monopolize Barba's attention. Yelena flirted between both men and enjoyed their attention while constantly reminding Elia in some sort of barb that she wasn't a member of their former circle of friends. Several times, Barba did attempt to steer the conversation towards a neutral topic and include her, but Yelena made it almost impossible.

It was almost ten at night when Elia finally resorted to texting Barba that she wanted to leave. She was tired and having pelvic pain that didn't seem to stop. All she wanted was to lied down and he seemed to understand the desperate look she'd sent him across the table when he looked up from the text message. Yelena and Alex attempted to badger them into staying, but Barba was firm that they were leaving and she was grateful.

Once safely in the car and away from Alex and Yelena Muñoz, Elia let out a deep breath and stared straight ahead as Barba started the car and pulled out of the driveway. They were a few minutes from the Muñoz's house when he cleared his throat and turned to look at her.

"Elia—"

"Can we not talk about it," she said quickly. "I just want to enjoy a quiet ride home."

"I didn't tell you about Yelena because it wasn't serious."

"You dated her for two years. That sounds serious."

"It wasn't dating like you think."

"So you slept with her?"

"I exchanged mail with her and we talked on the phone. It was never an established relationship, but Alex was afraid to approach Yelena about dating because he believed that we were together. He didn't start dating her until I told him that nothing serious was happening between the two of us."

Elia said nothing, just accepting his answer. She felt particularly hurt and embarrassed to learn from Yelena Muñoz of all people that there had existed some type of intimate relationship between the woman and her husband. Barba hadn't hid the information from her on purpose. She supposed that he didn't see it the way that Yelena saw it, but it had to have been something for Alex Muñoz to think that the pair had been dating. Barba considered the relationship to be something that wasn't relevant to expose and Elia regretted ever telling him about the men she'd dated before him. If she'd known that they weren't going to fully disclose all the people from their pasts, she'd certainly have kept plenty of information to herself.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I should have told you. I just didn't think that Yelena would bring the past up."

"It's fine," Elia said as she leaned forward an rooted around the passenger side compartment in front of her. Finding the bottle of vicodin that she had tossed in there at one point, she popped the cap off and swallowed one of the pills dry.

"You had two glasses of wine," Barba told her when they came to a stop at a red light. "You shouldn't mix pills and alcohol."

Elia only nodded and looked out the window, not caring anymore what he thought.

* * *

"How was dinner?" Abuelita asked the moment that they were inside the Brownstone. The old woman had clearly been waiting for them with a frown on her aging face.

"Boring," Elia said quickly as she undid the scarf around her neck and slipped off her coat. "Yelena was more than happy to steer the conversation."

She didn't even look at Barba as she slipped off the stylish black heels that she'd worn. Grabbing them by the heel, she kissed Abuelita on the cheek and told her that she was going up to take a bath. She was quick going up the stairs and decided that she would use their old bathroom. The tub in the guest bedroom wasn't deep and she wanted a real bath where the water covered every part of her. In the master bathroom, she quickly stripped out of the black knee length dress she'd worn and tossed her jewelry onto the sink counter. Next came the nude tights that had done nothing against the cold and the stupid spanx she thought she needed. Kicking it all to the side, she tossed her bra and panty set with it.

Turning the water and making it as hot as she could stand it, Elia dumped as much lavender bubble bath as she dared into the water and waited until it was full. Stepping in and sitting back, she moaned at the feeling of the hot water. It helped to soothe the pain she was in. She was only granted a few minutes of peace before there was a knock on the door that caused her eyes to fly open.

"Can we talk?" Barba called through the door before he turned the knob and opened it. He came inside and Elia was thankful for the bubbles that covered her body. He could only see her shoulders and above and she was grateful that she'd demanded a tub that covered her boobs and knees when they'd remodeled two years before. She hadn't cared about anything else; all she'd wanted was the deep tub.

"I don't want to talk about Yelena, Alex, or that horrible little stunt you called dinner," she told him as she pulled the pale blue curtain, cutting herself off from him. It was silly and childish, but she didn't want to look at him. She wasn't angry. She was just tired of being reminded all throughout the evening how she wasn't from the Bronx.

"Alex and Yelena were wrong," he said quietly. "The past doesn't matter. It was a horrible evening of having to sit and reminisce."

"To them the past does matter," she snapped. "It matters to them that I'm not from the Bronx or the Projects and I'm an outsider. Not to mention the fact that Yelena still clearly wants you."

"What?" Barba asked, clearly startled by her words.

"She's attracted to you," Elia said yanking back the curtain, not caring if he caught a glimpse of her breasts. "Why do you think that she brought the whole past up? She wanted me to know that she had a relationship with you. You can deny what it might have been, but to her, it was something more than pen pals, Rafael. You're a smart man. Don't be stupid about women."

Yanking the curtain back and ignoring the confused expression on his face, Elia rested her head against the sand filled pillow that stopped her neck from awkwardly resting on the edge of the tub. Raising her hand out of the water, she rubbed her temple and closed her eyes.

"Yelena is not attracted to me," Barba told her firmly. "Even if she was, I'm not attracted to her and I wouldn't betray my friendship to Alejandro. Even more importantly, I wouldn't betray my wedding vows, the vows you're so intent on ending."

Elia yanked the curtain back again, but Barba was already out the door and closing it behind him. Groaning, she let her head rest back on the sand pillow and closed her eyes. They just needed space away from each other, she reasoned.

It would do them both good after the earlier fiasco.

* * *

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 **This is part one of three involving the Munoz family and the aftermath. These chapters will rely heavily on the TV show, so much of it may seem familiar. However, not all of it will be the same.**

 **There are many people reading and following the story, I urge to leave a review! I do my best to reply to each and everyone of them and I enjoy hearing what you as readers think of the story. It helps me to make improvements and become a better writer myself:), not mention I'm an email addict. I check all the time to see. I don't bite:) Leave a review! I welcome cheers, jeers, boos, and everything else in between.**

 **Thanks and see you soon!**


	8. VII: Hello (Part II)

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are amazing as always. Again, some material that you recognize in the chapter is directly taken from the show including dialogue, cases, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

 **Part VII**

"… _Hello from the other side_ _  
_ _I must've called a thousand times_ _  
_ _to tell you I'm sorry_ _  
_ _for everything that I've done_ _  
_ _But when I call you never seem to be home_

 _Hello from the outside_ _  
_ _At least I can say that I've tried_ _  
_ _to tell you I'm sorry_ _  
_ _for breaking your heart_ _  
_ _But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore…"_

"Hello" – Adele

 _February 7, 2015…_

Elia took a deep breath before she raised her hand and rapped against the office door belonging to Olivia Benson. She'd been on the phone all morning with various friends from school and acquaintances she'd made over the years. She'd been digging for information about Alex Muñoz and none of the information that she'd gotten was good news. Hearing Olivia bid her to enter, Elia opened the door and stepped inside feeling a rush of nervousness overcome her.

"Elia," Olivia said looking surprised. "Come in, please, have a seat."

Smiling tightly and nodding, Elia sat down on the leather couch closest to the door and dropped her handbag onto the seat next to her. Crossing her legs, she took a deep breath as Olivia stood up and sat on the couch with her.

"How can I help you?" Olivia asked with a warm smile, obviously trying to make her feel more comfortable.

"I thought about talking to Fin about this," Elia started. "But it makes more sense to come to you. You seem like the most objective person on the force and I need someone who isn't afraid to take Rafael on. You and I both know how he can be a bulldozer when he thinks that he's right about something."

Olivia nodded in agreement, looking expectantly for her to continue. Elia cleared her throat and nodded.

"I don't think that Alex Muñoz is asking Rafael to do a favor," she told the other woman. "The rumors I've heard about Muñoz, I can't tell Rafael. He wouldn't believe me and it would break his heart. I've made some calls to friends of mine on both sides of the political spectrum and while people like Alex, it's a complicated issue."

"Complicated?" Olivia asked with arched brow as she leaned forward. "How is it complicated?"

Elia felt like she was make a mistake as she leaned back on the leather couch that was in Olivia's office. She rubbed her forehead and dropped her hand with a sigh. She'd always promised herself that she'd never be involved with Barba's cases, but her husband was putting a noose around his neck and she couldn't stand to see Alex Munoz kick the chair out from under him.

"It's no secret among the upper echelons of politics that Muñoz is…a lady's man," she explained. "A friend, Georgiana Atwell, doesn't think that Eddie has anything to do with what happened. I called her and explained everything. Before you yell at me, I know that I broke protocol, but I trust her. Georgiana thinks that this girl might be one of a long list of girls that Muñoz has paid to be quiet about his extramarital affairs. If you go hunting, I'm sure you'll find plenty of girls that have been given jobs to hush them up."

"Do you have any names of these girls?" Olivia asked with a frown as she considered the idema.

"No, Gerogiana didn't have names, just that she'd heard rumors for others about strange appointments happening," Elia said with a shake of her head. "Women being appointed to jobs they had no qualifications to do, but all the women were appointed by Alex Muñoz or recommended to the private sector by his wife."

"Yelena Muñoz? Do you think she knows about any of this? The supposed affairs that Alex Munoz is having?"

"I think that she probably does what a lot of women I know do."

"What's that?"

"Turn their eyes away and tell themselves that men are insatiable, sexual creatures that need constant gratification," Elia said with a dip of venom in her voice. "That's what I think, Olivia. I'm probably going to regret this visit, but I had to come because Rafael is right. The wrong prosecutor sees Eddie, they won't see past his financial status and his ethnicity. I don't think he did this and I don't want Rafael to think that he owes the Muñoz family something. He doesn't, but from what I understand, details aren't adding up and this is far bigger than you or I probably can conceive."

Olivia leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, "Why'd you come to me today? Why are you here, Elia?"

"We had dinner at the Muñoz home two days ago," Elia explained with a frown. "I know that Rafael and Alex are friends, but I don't want my husband dragged into a scandal. I know a few names that could help you to clear Eddie of any wrong doing. The other half, women being appointed to positions, that I can't help you with."

"Who should I talk to?" Olivia wondered aloud.

"Do you have pen and paper?"

The Sergeant handed the two items over quickly as Elia looked over her shoulder. She scribbled down the four names that her old boarding school roommate had given her and handed the paper back to Olivia when she was finished. Georgiana Atwell was many things, but Elia knew that any information coming from the woman was beyond reliable. Georgiana had an ability to know people's business and connect the dots that others couldn't always see.

Elia supposed it was why the woman was such a good mystery writer now that she was older. All Elia had to do was mention Alex Muñoz name and Georgiana new practically everything about the man from various pieces of gossip that she'd placed together. It had taken an hour, but Georgiana had eventually given Elia names of men that had all slept with the same girl that Alex Muñoz was rumored to have had sex with at some point. Details were fuzzy, but she was confident that the police could solve and fill in the gaps that Georgiana couldn't.

"Who are these men?" Olivia asked as she scanned through the list of names.

"Wealthy men who have all had a similar problem," Elia said softly. "The woman who is accusing Eddie of rape, all these men had orders of protection and restraining orders against her. They're all rich, Olivia. What does Eddie offer? Not much. Maybe that will help you solve the problem of Alex Muñoz and Eddie Garcia and how they fit into the whole scheme of things. I just don't want to see Rafael dragged onto a sinking ship by some horribly placed sense of loyalty."

"I'll have Fin and Rollins look into this," Olivia told her with a smile. "Thank you for your help."

* * *

Barba had just stepped onto the elevator when Olivia followed him in. It was the end of the day and he was tired. Frankly, all Barba wanted was dinner, a tumbler of scotch, and a good night's sleep. Olivia didn't look happy and he could tell that whatever she was going to talk about involved Eddie.

"I've just come from speaking with Lindsey," she told him as she leaned back against the wall behind them. "It was very interesting."

"How?"

"Lindsey told us that Eddie came into her shoe store with his wife one day and then came back the next day alone. Eddie told us the fight between the two of them was about Lindsey being pregnant, but Lindsey says the fight was about Eddie being married and she didn't want to be the girl on the side anymore."

"Lindsey told you that Eddie came into the store with his wife to shop? Not a chance," Barba scoffed as he leaned back against the wood paneling next to her. "He hasn't seen his wife in three years. She's partying in Miami."

"Are you sure?" Olivia demanded with an annoyed expression on her face. "He still wears his ring."

"Elia asked me for a divorce in September and I'm still wearing my ring," he told her as he held his hand up and she looked at him with curiosity. "I'm sure. Eddie is catolico, loyal. If Elia does go after the divorce and it's finalized, I'll probably continue to wear my ring too."

"And that's what you're gonna tell me about you and Elia? It's the same as you and Eddie? The whole ring thing?"

"Elia and I were married in the church, yes. Do we go to church every Sunday? Yes, with Abuelita. We're…working on things. Marriage doesn't just fix itself over night. I screwed up my marriage, I'll admit to that, Olivia. I work too much and I wasn't sure if I ever wanted children and that was too much for her to put up with after too many years of putting off the whole issue of a family."

"I'm sorry," Olivia said quietly. "Elia does love you, if it's any consolation. I've seen the look in her eyes."

"I've never doubted her love," Barba told her with a slight smile on his face. "She and I were friends before anything else happened. Her brother died and he'd been my roommate at Harvard. Elia and I fell together by fate, I think. And Emilio…he probably played a hand in that somewhere along the line. What else happened when you interviewed Lindsey?"

"She told me that she'd be more comfortable just talking to Amaro."

"Because she thinks she has a better chance of working the male partner? So she's lied to you, tried to manipulate you—"

"So has Eddie," Olivia interjected. "Just because he looks innocent here doesn't mean that I trust him."

"I know Eddie's story and I know that it's crap," Barba agreed as he stuck his hands in his pocket. "What's Lindsey's story? Maybe that will help piece everything together."

The elevator dinged and he stepped off, leaving Olivia alone. He was feeling less and less confidant about the case and more suspicious of both Eddie and Alex. Details weren't adding up in his head and he was certain that Olivia was suspecting something as well. He just couldn't explain it, but something about the whole situation was unsettling to him. Knowing that Abuelita and Elia were expecting him home soon, Barba quickly went up to his office and prepared to leave. All the while, he kept trying to suppress the feeling that something just wasn't right about the situation that he'd found himself in.

* * *

 _February 10, 2015…_

It was lunchtime when Amaro and Olivia walked into his office. His phone was vibrating on his desk and Elia's face appeared on the screen. She'd called him three days in a row at lunchtime, but he hadn't answered. He didn't know what to say to her about anything that had happened at Alex's dinner and he wasn't in the mood to really talk at all.

"Good news, bad news, counselor," Amaro began once the door to Barba's office was closed behind him. "Eddie wasn't in a relationship with Lindsay and he wasn't trying to rape her."

"Interesting theory, get to the bad part," the ADA said as he rubbed his forehead in a way that reminded Olivia of Elia when she'd been in her office at the precinct.

"We think that she may have been in a relationship with Alex Muñoz," Nick continued. "When she tried to shake him down, Alex sent Eddie over to tune her up. Lindsey's M.O. is to get her hooks into powerful, married men. She's a heat seeking missile and Eddie has no heat."

"If you knew Yelena, you'd know that he'd never step out on her," Barba defended with a bored expression on his face and a tone of warning in his voice.

"Maybe, but everything Elia told me seems to confirm our interesting theory," Olivia said quietly. "When she came to my office, she told me that she was worried that Alex Muñoz would end up in a scandal. She didn't say what specifically, but I got the impression that she'd spoken with several others about Senator Muñoz's practices. Fact checking proves that she was right before we were. All the names she gave us checked out and the other pieces of information, I'm thinking that they'll probably checkout as well."

An unreadable expression came over Barba's face as he stared at Olivia for a moment before clearing his throat.

"Elia came to speak with you?" he demanded with an edge in his tone.

"She's worried that you're gonna try and save your friend and get caught in the crossfire," Olivia said, obviously trying to defend Elia's visit. "She was worried and I got the impression that she'd gone to a lot of trouble to ask about Alex Muñoz when she didn't have to. Lindsey and Eddie's story practically falls apart when one really begins to look at and we probably would have found the men without her help, but she made it easier for us."

Barba sent them away as anger boiled inside. Elia had interfered with the investigation and he was annoyed that she'd gone behind his back and talked with Olivia about Alex.

Did she not realize how damaging her asking questions could be for Alex's future campaign?

* * *

Barba knew that he was late leaving the office, but he didn't care. The fact that Elia had gone to see Olivia and shared information that she hadn't shared with him brought anger to his chest and he wanted to pick a fight with her about it. Leaving the office didn't seem like a good idea and he knew that if he did fight with her, all the progress that he'd made would be ruined. He'd give her more ammunition towards wanting a divorce than reason not to proceed. He knew that the lawyer had been leaving messages; Barba had been surprised when he'd gotten a message himself.

He was so confident that he'd been pulling them both back from the edge. Now, he regretted ever agreeing to help Alex and Eddie. His marriage was too fragile to take any sort of strain and everything that was happening was exactly what it couldn't with stand. Hearing the clicking of heels, Barba looked up to see a furious Yelena entering his office. Moving to greet her, he heard the cracking sound of Yelena's hand meeting his cheek before he felt it. His cheek stung and tingled like someone was pricking needles into his skin.

"How dare you, Rafael," she hissed. "How dare you bring her into my home!"

"What are you talking about, Yelena?" Barba demanded, opening and closing his jaw, hoping to ease the ache.

"Donors are pulling out already," she hissed again. "Some people heard that Elia Barba, the wife of an ADA and the daughter of George Diaz was asking questions about Alex's reputation and the rumors going around. People know and they're pulling out. You know what happened today?"

"I'm sure you'll tell me all about it," Barba drawled, annoyed at her being in his office and in his space.

"Don't be smart," she snapped as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Detectives came to visit Alex today and he gave me some stupid excuse, but he didn't marry a fool. Tell me what it was all about. What do the police want with him?"

"Did Alex send you to find out more?"

"He doesn't know that I'm here. I stopped here on the way to a fundraiser. He gave me a bunch of excuses as to why the police were visiting. If they cleared Eddie of the charges, why are they asking Alex questions, Rafael?"

"Let's not have this conversation," Barba said, trying to dodge the landmine that he might very well step on if he wasn't careful. "I can't talk about this, Yelena. It's an ongoing investigation."

The mood between them shifted suddenly. Gone was the angry, spitting woman that had marched into his office. She'd been replaced by someone with a soft, tender gaze and slight smile on her dark red lips. He hadn't forgotten this part of Yelena, her ability to swing from one emotional extreme to another. It was partly the reason why a relationship between them had never worked. She was far too volatile for him and he considered her to be emotionally unstable. He'd tried to tell Alex that, but the man hadn't listened. He'd only smiled and said that Yelena was worth it all and somehow, Rafael doubted it.

"You're Alex's oldest friend," Yelena purred as she caressed the side of his cheek, the side that she'd smacked thirty seconds earlier. "Please. Alex is on the verge of doing something great for all of us."

She was invading his personal space and he didn't like it. It was uncomfortable and her perfume tickled his nose in a way that wasn't the same as Elia's. Yelena was a beautiful woman, but he could see the stark contrast between Elia and the woman. The kind, soft look that Elia often had in her eyes wasn't forced. He barely knew what was happening as she leaned closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Yelena's lips were against his in the next second and Barba froze. It wasn't a gentle kiss. It was a forced kiss that wasn't passionate, but rather violent.

"Please, tell what this is all about," Yelena breathed when she pulled away a second later. Her hands caressed the back of his neck before she begged again, "Please, mi amor, please."

In the next heartbeat, he grabbed her upper arms and jerked her away from him. He didn't feel any flame light in his lower body like he did when Elia kissed him, she just had to smile at him a certain way and that flame came alive. Instead, Barba felt slight pity and disgust at Yelena's desperate attempt to figure out what was happening with her husband.

"Don't," he breathed. "Don't do that ever again."

"Why?"

"Because we're married to other people and I would never betray Elia like that."

"The same wife, Rafael, who plans to ruin your oldest friend's campaign?" Yelena demanded hotly. "I don't understand why you're poking around issues that don't involve you or anyone in the police department. Don't ruin his chance, Rafael. You know that he'll do great things."

"If he has nothing to hide, he'll be fine, Yelena."

"That's a lie and you know it," she said angrily.

Barba froze and took a step back. The pieces clicked together in his head and he knew in the next breath that Olivia and Elia were probably right. Alex was bad news and he wasn't a friend any longer. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out.

"You should go," he said, looking up from it and at the angry woman in his office. Yelena looked furious that she was being dismissed, but she turned on her heeled shoe and left him alone. Staring down at the emergency message from Olivia, he sighed and stuffed the phone away. Grabbing his grey dress coat, Barba abandoned his office and left to walk to the precinct where Olivia said that they had gone on a fishing expedition and caught fire.

He made it to the squad room in record time and easily spotted the detectives and Olivia in the conference room with glass walls.

"All right," he said, opening the conference room door and walking in. "Where's the fire?"

"There's something that we need you to see," Olivia said in a soft, calm voice as she sat down and Barba felt dread fill him. She used the same voice that Elia used when she had bad, unwanted news to share with him.

"Since Lindsay found her other chumps through social media, we figured she might have done the same with Muñoz," Nick explained as he paced around the room with an anxious spring in his step. They all watched him and Fin shook his head.

"So, I went online and I set up an 'I heart Alex Muñoz for Mayor' page," Rollins explained as she showed him the laptop computer screen that she was looking at. "He messaged me back within half an hour."

Barba leaned down and looked at the screen where Alex had typed a message.

 _Hey Babe_

Rollins scrolled through her the instant messages that she'd shared with Alex and he felt like someone had ripped the floor out from under him as he read each message that had been exchanged. A part of him was in denial, this wasn't the man that he'd grown up with, it couldn't be. Sure, Alex had cheated on girlfriends in the past, but once he'd gotten together with Yelena, Alex had sworn that he had put all the cheating and lying behind him.

"When you talk about the pension system, I got so excited," Barba murmured, reading aloud one of Rollin's messages with an arched brow. "You set up a honey trap?"

Rollins hummed in agreement and Fin told her to scroll down further through the messages. Barba watched as the next message from Alex popped up and his eyes widening slight as he read the words.

 _You did? How about a photo of you watching?_

"I asked him next if he was sure that he could handle it and that he said that could," Rollins continued as she looked between him and the computer screen. "He didn't want to trade pictures openly on the website."

"He wanted to meet?"

"Well, not exactly," Olivia said, jumping in as she looked up at him, worry clearly evident in her eyes. "He asked Rollins to switch to a less public site."

Barba looked back at Rollins as she pulled up the second site on the laptop.

" ," she announced to him as a black and red logo appeared on the screen and some fancy animation passed over until a profile was pulled up.

"A cheating site?" Barba asked, feeling worse than before. "Alex has an account?"

"Not by name," Rollins explained as she moved the mouse to the name on the profile. "His alter ego, Enrique Trouble, does."

"I think that's his porno name," Fin stated as he and Amaro chuckled and he ignored them.

Barba could only remember a handful of times in his adult life where he actually felt dumbstruck and that moment was quickly become a member of that small list. He knew that plenty of men and women were apart of these cheating sites, but he'd never really given much thought to actually knowing anyone that participated on them. Alex being linked to an online cheating site was not good at all. Nothing good ever came from a cheating website mixed with politicians, Barba had learned that from seeing other people fall into the trap.

"Come on, this can't be real," he said, trying to deny where this conversation was probably headed, but he knew deep down that Alex had probably played him. He wanted to think that his best friend wouldn't be involved in such a thing, but the evidence was painting a less than innocent picture.

"Moving on," Rollins announced, silencing the chuckles of the other two men in the room. "He asked for a picture first, so I sent him a selfie."

She pulled up a picture of her cleavage and he looked away. Barba was certain that he never wanted to see the picture ever again in his life of Rollins' boobs. He looked down at the floor and crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head, disbelieving where this was actually headed.

"Any response?" he asked raising his head, looking around.

"Not yet," Olivia admitted with a sigh.

"This could all be a hoax," Barba denied, his voice cracking a little as a

"Yeah, but that's why I went ahead and asked him for a photo. Telling him that he's seen me and that I wanted to see him."

"Don't hold your breath," Barba told her. "He's at a fundraiser with his wife and daughters. His wife was just in my office less than an hour ago demanding to know why the police are investigating him. Tomorrow, I think he plans to announce that he's running for mayor in the next election cycle. He can't waste time sending pictures back and forth."

"No, guys like this, they make the time," Fin said with a shake of his head as the computer dinged. Everyone in the room looked at the screen and Barba felt a little light headed recognizing a scar on Alex's lower abdomen from where he'd had his appendix removed when he was fifteen.

"You said he was at an event. Doesn't that look like a tuxedo shirt?" Amaro asked, pointing at several key characteristics of the shirt in the picture.

"There's no face," Olivia interjected. "It could be anyone."

Barba wanted to thank her for her denial, but the scar already proved to him that it was Alex. He listened as Rollins planned out another message that she was going to send and Fin coached her on how to word the message. She hit the send button and Barba was afraid to see what Alex would send back. He suddenly wished he was at home with Elia. Fighting with her seemed almost like a treat compared to the feeling of betrayal that was overwhelming. The computer dinged twice and two pictures appeared. One of Alex in his underwear, the second of Alex's erected penis.

Not wanting to see anymore, Barba left the conference room.

He wasn't able to explain what he felt, but betrayal was at the top of the list.

* * *

 _February 11, 2015…_

He had ended up lying awake all night on the leather couch in his office at Hogan Place. Sitting in a small dinner in the Bronx across from Alex, Barba reflected wearily how tired he was. His shoulders ached and the message that Elia had sent him this morning about his brief text that he was sleeping at his office was still swirling around in the back of his mind. The man across from him looked at the photos on the screen and shook his head.

"Oh, my God," Alex sighed. "I can't believe this. Someone is setting me up."

"That's why I'm giving you the chance to get in front of this," Barba murmured as the waitress put a second cup of coffee down in front of him. He thanked her before grabbing two packets of sugar and pouring them into the coffee that he needed to get him through the day.

"You can't believe I sent these."

"So, uh, someone else sent the pictures of your penis?"

"I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer," Alex snapped as he pushed the phone away and shoved it across. He leaned back in the chair and shook his head.

"Alejandro, _por favor_ ," Barba said firmly as he put the spoon down. "I'm speaking to you as a friend, not a prosecutor. Don't give me the answer that you'd give the press."

"I've been hacked."

"If that's the case, then we can get our technical people to look into it—"

"I'll get my people on this," Alex whispered harshly. "Rafael, how can you believe this? It's obviously Wall Street trying to keep me out of City Hall."

Looking at the man across from him, Barba could see the same look that he'd seen in countless others who were guilty of something. There was always a look and Alex's shifty behavior was another cue that the man was guilty of something more.

"Alex, you need to be honest with me and honest with yourself," Barba said carefully. "You came to me to ask for help on Eddie's behalf."

"Because he's our friend, Rafael. The man needed our help and it was the right thing to do."

"I need you to tell me that you didn't ask Eddie to go to Lindsey and hush her up about—"

"Enough," Alex snarled as he looked around the dinner, paranoia evident in his eyes. "I don't have time for this."

"It looks bad," Barba told him, anger building up inside him as he began to finally make sense of what had really happened.

"To whom?" Alex snarled again. "You? Do you get to judge me? You get to be my priest? You gonna tell me how many 'Hail Mary' prayers I have to say?"

"Alex, I am going so way out on a limb for you. I could lose my job simply for speaking to you. Tell me that there are no other women out there," he murmured. "Deny all the suspicions that I'm having because it doesn't look good and the police will only begin to dig further."

"Yelena is the only one. I'm sorry if that still hurts, Rafael."

"It doesn't," Barba snapped back as he stood up, toe to toe with Alex. "It doesn't hurt because I realized a long time ago that Yelena doesn't actually love people. She loves the money and the prestige that they can offer her. She learned that you had political ambitions and she saw you as someone to carry her. She saw me as a lowly Harvard scholarship recipient who had didn't have much to offer. I'm not hurt, I just understand her for what she really is."

Alex left and Barba threw a twenty dollar bill on the table to cover the small meal he'd had and the waitress' tip. Leaving, he stepped outside into the chilly morning air and dug his cell phone out of his pocket. His meeting with Alex only confirmed that the man was hiding something and Barba wanted to know what it was.

"Find everything that you can, Olivia," Barba said over the phone when she picked up. "Just start looking into every lead. I don't think that Lindsey is the only woman out there."

* * *

 _February 13, 2015…_

Elia was dressed in a black gown that hugged her curves in all the right places, Barba reflected when she came down stairs. Thick straps went over her shoulders and the gown was cut deep down her back, exposing creamy skin that come summertime would be a sun kissed tan. Her hair was loosely pulled up into a bun at the base of head and few loose strands fell, framing her face and the diamond stud earring she wore. She was beautiful and he felt slightly jealous that he would have the opportunity to have her on his arm for the evening.

George had called two days ago, confessing his news at being the recipient or a community award for the local children's hospital and asking hopefully if they could be there to support him. Elia had jumped at the chance and even though her relationship with George Diaz would never be simple, she could be a good, supportive daughter. The ailing man still hadn't told his daughter about the cancer and Barba was beginning to wonder if he ever would.

"You're not dressed," Elia stated with a confused expression on her face when she looked at him. "They're presenting Father with the hospital community award and you're not dressed."

"I'm not going," Barba told her and braced for the impact his words would have on her. Before Elia could say anything, George looked up from his wheelchair at her and encouraged her to leave her 'poor husband' alone.

"It means I get to monopolize your conversation all even," George smiled and patted her hand. "Rafael would be bored to tears and I can't remember the last time that I was able to spend one-on-one time with you and be the envy of everyone in the room."

Elia grudgingly nodded as her father's nurse took over and helped the old man to the kitchen to take his evening pills before they left for the evening.

Barba was dressed casually and he'd been in a constant state of limbo since Olivia had finally brought all the evidence that her team had discovered about Alex to him earlier in the day. They'd found all the women that had been given jobs by Alex as payment for keeping quiet about the affairs. Eddie had been implicated in everything, but Barba managed to convince the man to turn on Alex for the sake of his mother and son. The man had been scared of prosecution and in exchange for not being prosecuted, Eddie had revealed everything about Alex's movements. Where the money came from, who it went to and how much a week, the man had told them everything and had agreed to be a witness at Alex's trial. It was also Eddie who tipped the team off to Jodie Lanier, the most serious of all charges against Alex. It still felt like he couldn't breathe when he thought about the fact that Alex was going to be prosecuted for child pornography.

Barba had never thought that he'd be in the position that he'd found himself in, but he was. All the evidence had already been turned over to a special federal prosecutor, but he still had to confront Alex. He couldn't believe that the man that he'd grown up with had stooped to such levels as to prey on desperate Eddie, who was just trying to make ends meet to care for his sick mother and his motherless son. Not to mention, Barba couldn't believe that Alex was able to face his wife and daughters every morning, knowing all the while that he was living a double life that would rip that family apart. He still felt guilty of over the unwanted and unreciprocated kiss that Yelena had forced on him. He wasn't sure what to say to Elia, or if he should even say anything at all.

In a matter of thirty-six hours, Olivia and her team had uncovered the truth about so much that it made him sick to his stomach.

The feeling of hands touching his chest brought him back to the present and he looked down at the petite woman who had touched him.

"Are you alright?" Elia asked him bluntly as she stared at him. Worry was evident in her eyes. He reached out and gently held her arms just above the elbow, rubbing his thumb back and forth across her soft skin.

"We don't have to go tonight," she continued hastily. "I can stay home if you need to talk about something. I'm sure my father would love to have an evening where he's the center of attention from everyone."

Barba gave her a tight smile, "It's alright, Elia. I know that I haven't been around the past week much. Abuelita was on my case about it earlier. There are just a few more things that I have to do before this whole fiasco with Alex blows over. We'll talk after, okay?"

Elia nodded, but his words didn't ease the anxiety and worry on her face. If anything, he regretted that his words seemed to only heighten those emotions.

"Tomorrow, I thought that we'd go get dinner," he said. "Celebrate a quiet Valentine's Day."

"And see that movie about that erotic book 'Twenty-Five Acts' later at the movies?" she asked with teasing smile. "Don't think that I don't know about you reading that book."

"I had to read it for trial," Barba defended and before Elia could say anything else, George called for her. He was announcing that the car that would take them to the children's hospital benefit dinner was waiting for them. Barba walked her to the door and helped her to slip her dress coat on before helping her out to the car and opening the door. She eyed him suspiciously. It was as if she could see what his plans for the evening were and he felt terrible for lying to her, but Barba knew that if he told her about his plans to confront Alex, she'd try and talk him out of it. She'd tell him to stay far away from Alex Muñoz and she was probably right, but he had to hear the truth from his friend.

"Have a good evening," he said, kissing her cheek. "Call me if you need anything. I love you."

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

 **So, you made it. I really am just not satisfied with this chapter and I'm sorry if it seems choppy. I kept re-writing it and finally threw my hands up in the air with frustration.**

 **Thank you to everyone who left a review for last chapter! I have many people reading and a few new followers. Please take a few seconds to leave a review! Those who do leave a review will get a private message with a sneak peak of the next chapter, usually a paragraph or two. Leave a review and get a treat! Thank you again to those who do leave comments:)**

 **H4TH**


	9. VIII: Hello (Part III)

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are amazing! Again, some material that you recognize in the chapter is directly taken from the show including dialogue, cases, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!**

 **Thanks, H4TH**

* * *

 **Part VIII**

"… _It's no secret that the both of us_

 _Are running out of time…"_

"Hello" – Adele

 _February 13, 2015…_

The Police Association Ball was the last place he wanted to be on a Saturday night, but he needed to confront Alex. The man in question was surprised to see him and eagerly shook his hand as he stood next to Hank Abraham, the soon-to-be public information some-thing-or-other if Alex won the Mayor's office. Requesting a private audience wasn't difficult and Alex went willingly, despite objections from Yelena and Hank.

Alex followed him quietly out a side door that the waiters were using to enter the ballroom. They cut through the large kitchen and the many staff members working to have dinner ready to serve on time. Rafael could smell the food and it made him hungry. He hadn't eaten all day, he'd been too nervous about the conversation that he was about to have with Alex. In the back of the building, he pushed a door open and they stepped into a parking lot where many of the guests' cars had been parked by the valets. No one would bother them and they had relatively enclosed space that protected them from the street and the prying eyes of reporters.

"Whatever you have to show me won't alter anything except our friendship, Rafael," Alex said heatedly as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and turned to look at him once he was standing still. The man wore a hard expression on his face and Barba fished his cell phone out of his pocket.

"Do you recognize these women?" he demanded as he flicked through the photo's with his thumb. "This woman used to be stripper. This girl is a former porn star. Don't you remember them?"

Alex looked annoyed, and glowered at him. Barba didn't care as the anger that had been building inside him was close to bubbling over. The man before him had purposefully walked into his office and attempted to use him to cover up crimes. Crimes that he regularly prosecuted as sex crimes every day. Just because Alex was a friend, it didn't change how he felt what had happened. Alex had used him and Barba had never been more disgusted anyone that he knew in his entire life.

"You helped them get onto the state's payroll," he explained. "Or you don't remember that?"

"My office helps a lot of people," Alex rebutted with a shrug. "I'd have to look up the names."

"I guess it's trickier when they're too young to take the job, like Jodie Lanier," Barba said with a slightly mocking tone as he scrolled through the girl's photos. "She's a high school sophomore in Yonkers. Let me stop you before you say that you've never met her, Alex. That line is getting old and frankly it's annoying."

"We haven't met," Alex defended with an angry expression. "She friended the campaign on Facebook and wanted to volunteer. We've never been in the same room, Rafael. How the hell can I have ever met her?"

"You exchanged direct messages with her over the internet."

"Which I've done with hundreds of other constituents," Alex quickly pointed out with a wave of his hand. "It was all in the hopes that she'd help drum up votes and donors the closer we get to election time."

"She's not a constituent and she's fifteen, Alex!" Barba exploded, frustrated at the other man's inability to own up to his actions. If there was anything George Diaz had taught him, it was that men who couldn't own their actions were not men worth knowing and he was quickly realizing that his father-in-law was correct.

"I had no way of knowing that," Alex defended again with a slight shrug.

"Not after the pictures she sent you? When four detectives looked at the pictures, it was very clear that she's underage. Her body isn't developed like a woman's is and you can tell easily! Those pictures prove that she's underage. Pictures that you asked for, by the way, and I only brought the PG ones that she sent to you. You solicited and exchanged naked photos with a fifteen year old girl. That puts you in possession of child pornography, Alex. Do you not understand how much trouble you're in?"

"Where did you get those? Eddie?"

"Eddie?" Barba scoffed with a shake of his head. "You used him as the bag man for everyone else, except the fifteen year old girl because you knew that would upset him. No, Eddie has told us everything and he's gone into witness protection so that you can't bribe him and tamper with witness evidence. Don't tell me that you wouldn't do that because I think that there isn't much you wouldn't do to save your own skin."

"You son of a bitch," Alex breathed as he took a menacing step towards him. "You're using Eddie to swift-boat me? You're taking advantage of him, like this?"

"You think that I am taking advantage of Eddie? Eddie wouldn't be in the position that he's in if you hadn't asked him to rough up that Lindsey girl. Did you really think that he could assault a girl, get caught red handed, and that I could make it disappear with a snap of my fingers? Eddie is my friend just as much as yours, but I will not cover up crimes, Alex."

"In my defense, I had no idea what Eddie was up to. Maybe he thought that he was looking out for me."

Barba ran a hand through his tussled hair and shook his head at Alex's shaky reasoning.

For the first time, he felt like he was really, truly seeing his friend. Alex had always been a predator of women, but now, Barba could see that Alex was more like the rapists that he convicted. Those men, who denied all wrong doing and desperately tried to convince others that they were innocent and the world was guilty of persecuting them, were still predators at the end of the day and guilty based on the evidence. Alex couldn't see what he'd done wrong and it was frustrating to no end.

"I already turned these over to a special prosecutor, if you don't run for mayor and resign from office, this might go easier for you," Barba said with a shake of his head. "Alex, they are going to press all sorts of charges against you and you will probably do jail time and go on the sex offender registry for possession and solicitation of child pornography."

Alex scoffed in disbelief, "How much are they paying you to take me down? How much money did your wife's crowd promise you?"

"Elia had nothing to do with this. There's no vendetta here. I've risked everything that I have to give you fair warning, Alex, and you know that."

Alex paced in front of him and Barba restrained the urge to reach out and choke the man for even involving Elia in the situation. If anything, he should have listened to her and stayed as far away from his childhood friends as possible. She had been right to be cautious and he should have seen it too.

"Here's what I know, Rafael," Alex said as he came to a stop and sneered. "Ever since you got that Ivy Leauge Scholarship and married that famous judge's daughter, you've been hooked on their teat. You think that you're one of them because you go on their ski vacations and yachts? You think you're one of them because you married the rich man's daughter? The man snaps his finger and you attack."

"This has nothing to with me and you damn well know it, Alex."

"You know what Yelena thinks? She thinks that you're jealous of me and that you can't stand to see another Cubano get ahead. You think that there's room for only one of us at the top. Has your wife convinced you to turn your back on us all?"

"Elia hasn't convinced me of anything," Barba snarled as his protective instincts for his wife kicked into overdrive. "I met her for lunch the same day you came to my office asking for help and she told me to stay out of it. I should have listened, but you are my oldest friend and I defended you and gave both you and Eddie the benefit of the doubt."

"She has you on a leash with all the money flowing from her pocket. She has your balls in a vice just like all the other rich, powerful, corrupt members of society have you working for them. That's what this is about. Hell, you are one of those rich pricks and the money has finally gone to your head. Convinced yourself that you really are one of them and you don't want me getting ahead of you, do you?"

Barba stuffed his hands into his pocket and clenched his fist tightly, "Here's the correct version of your distorted events. Emilio Diaz died and he was my friend. He was more a friend to me than you ever have been and when I went away to Harvard, I was well aware that I wasn't one of those 'good old boys' and every rich, stuck up prick never let me forget it. I never asked him to leave me as the sole beneficiary of his trust fund. By all rights, it should have gone to Elia, but I never asked Emilio for money. I would much rather him be alive and with Elia than dead and me left with money. This has never been about the money, Alejandro. This is about doing the right thing."

"If you didn't have that money, Elia wouldn't have married you."

"I don't need to defend or explain myself, but you're wrong," Barba said with a shake of his head. "Elia and I, we weren't lovers right away like you and Yelena. Don't think that I don't remember you bragging about every detail of your sexual encounters with the woman you married and had children with. It's vulgar and you enjoyed sharing those private details every chance you had with anyone that would listen. Any man worth knowing would never say the things that you did about Yelena and the relationship that you shared with her."

"What's your point?" Alex growled.

"Elia and I built a friendship before we ever crossed that bridge. We helped each other through her brother's death and her father was my mentor long before Emilio contemplated suicide. I earned George Diaz's trust and guidance because I am a damn good lawyer, not because I inherited his son's money. He was my mentor well before I even befriended his daughter. The man didn't teach me because I was his son-in-law that he needed to polish. He taught me because he believed in me. I married Elia because I love her and respect her, not because she supposedly was the 'pretty girl in the neighborhood' that was the trophy to be won and I had to have bragging rights about 'banging' her as you so eloquently described your relationship with Yelena in college. None of this is about Elia, myself, or our marriage. This is about the fact that you are a predator, a cheater, a liar, and a man who is going away to prison for a very long time. You can't accept that your actions are going to ruin your life, Yelena's life, and your daughters' lives. I can't be your friend because I can't respect the man that you are, Alex. I'll pray for you because God seems like the only person who can help you at this point."

Without another word, Barba walked away. He returned inside the building and fished his phone out of his pocket, deleting the pictures that he'd shown all before stuffing the phone away again. He wanted nothing more than to go home, but instead, he found himself walking to Olivia's office, collapsing on the couch, and telling her everything about his conversation with Alejandro Muñoz.

* * *

Elia silently thanked the powers from above that Olivia called and had told her exactly what Barba had done. The whole car ride home she'd been figidity to the point where the driver probably thought that she was tweaking on some kind of drug.

In reality, she'd finally figure out that her husband could do stupid things like every other red blooded male.

As much as she wanted to strangle him for becoming involved with Alex Muñoz, she hated what the state senator had done. It was late when she returned from the children's charity event. Closing the front door behind her and rearming the security system in the house, Elia kicked off the heeled shoe that she'd wore and gathered the skirts of her dress in her hand before going up the stairs. She rounded the pillar at the top of the steps and saw that their bedroom door was open. The nightstand lamp gave an eerily glow to the room as she walked down the hallway.

Stepping into the room, she closed the door behind her, leaned back on it for a moment, and watched him. Barba was sitting on the end of their bed with his elbows on his knees. He was looking at the floor and her heart ached for him. Standing up straight, the swishing sound of the hem from the mermaid gown that she wore was the only sound that could be heard as she crossed the room. He automatically reached for her and his hands rested just slightly above her knees. Running her fingers through his damp hair from the rain outside, she felt an overwhelming feeling of protectiveness flow through her body as well as a feeling of love.

"Olivia called me earlier," she said softly as Barba rested his head against her stomach. "Alex made his choices long before he came to you and asked for help with Eddie. He is responsible for what will happen to himself and his family. No one else, Raffie, could have made a difference. You didn't cause this. Alex Muñoz caused this to happen and he will have to deal with it, not you."

"I'm sorry," Barba said as he looked up at her. "I'm sorry for everything."

Cupping his cheeks, Elia stared down at him. He looked so tired. The lines around his eyes and forehead were pronounced. He looked like a rubber band that had been stretched too far and would snap at any moment. She understood the feeling and recognized it in him. The feeling was unpleasant, but it faded after a while and what it was replaced with, she didn't want him to feel.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she murmured. "You were childhood playmates. You saw the good and no one can ever be sorry for that."

The overwhelming desire to kiss him was flowing through her and she fought the urge. However, it was a losing battle. Elia couldn't describe the magnetic pull between them but like two opposites, they attracted and her lips found a way to his. Her eyes fluttered shut and she enjoyed the feeling of his warm, firm lips against hers.

It was all they both needed and he was standing up, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling at the zipper of the dress. Elia eagerly helped him and shut out the voices in her head telling her to stop. She freely admitted that to herself as she undid hooks and slipped off the uncomfortable underwire bra that she'd been wearing all night. Together, their fingers made quick work of the buttons on his white dress shirt and it was tossed aside. All the while, his lips were against her skin, igniting the flame inside her body that he was so good at feeding. His hands pushed away at her garments until she was completely naked. Somehow, between hot kisses, caresses and moans, they ended up on the bed.

He was above her, kissing her lips, her body…everywhere as pent up passion spilt over and flowed freely between them. She caressed every inch of warm skin she could kiss, enjoying the feeling of his weight against her body. His lips began to descend lower, down her neck to her collar bone and down to her chest. The bobby pins from her hair dug into her scalp slightly, but Elia ignored the feeling. She focused instead on the red hot passion gushing from every part of her. Her breast ached with need and her body quivered with desire. The space between her hips was burning with need and she was desperate for his touch.

"Elia," he breathed and all she could do was moan when he began to trail his lips over her breasts, worshiping every part of her body the way she wanted him. Barba paid tribute to each breast equally and worked some sort of spell over her because she felt a long forgotten feeling growing between her thighs. An ache that she hadn't been about to achieve herself. Her back arched with each gentle nip and suckle he gave to the smooth, sensitive skin of her tits. Her nipples ached for his touch. Hard and begging for more, she silently cried out when he rolled her nipple with his tongue while cradling her other breast with his hand and caressed it. Barba hummed and the vibration against her skin felt as good as his lips as she threaded her fingers in his hair, desperate to keep him where he was.

With each kiss, nip and bite, Elia felt the heat in her pelvis grow. Her body understood what it wanted and all she could think about was giving her body what it wanted. Her warmth understood the oldest dance that existed between a man and a woman and it craved his touch. Her body protested that it had been too long since she'd felt his hardness between her thighs. His hands trailed lower as he kissed down her rib cage to her navel and she gasped and moaned with each touch. Elia ran her hands through his hair, over his shoulders, and down his spine as he kissed every part of her skin that he'd touched. His finger tips followed the trail his kisses left her body on fire, desperate and trembling for more.

Down over the prominence of her hip bones, up the inside of her thigh…

Elia gasped loudly and moaned when she felt Barba's mouth the most intimate part of her body.

Her thighs quivered and arched her spine, moaning his name as her eyes closed at the feeling she'd never been able to replicate on her own. It was like lightening striking her, coursing through her veins as he brought his lips over her sensitive little pearl and teased it over and over again. Each flick of his tongue drove her closer and closer to madness…and what a wonderful madness it was. A tight, twisting feeling was beginning all over her body. Her heart pounded in her chest and her whole body felt like it was a tense, humming current of energy that was being pulled to one specific location with each flick of his tongue. She felt light headed, her vision blurred, and she grasped at the pillows above her head as her as the muscles in her body began to tense uncontrollably from her fingers to her toes.

The feeling kept growing and just when Elia thought that she wouldn't be able to stand his touch any longer, she was flung. Flung head first over the edge that Rafael had been pushing her towards as a feeling of lightness overcame her whole body. Every muscle in her body that had been tense only a moment ago was relaxed and she could barely catch her breath as her chest rose and fell. Her body was just as desperate for oxygen as she was for the feeling to linger in her body for as long as possible. She'd forgotten just how good it felt. She could barely think about anything besides the feeling pulsing through her body. Barba's lips trailed over her skin again and she could barely move, let alone return his kiss until he touched her lips.

She could taste herself on him and she didn't care. A second wave of need washed over her, stronger than the first and she raked her nails down his back, frantic for more pleasure. Barba groaned and instinctively, she spread her thighs further apart as he settled again between her legs. He pressed his hardness against her thigh and a single finger dipped into her hot, moist passage. Her eyes nearly rolled back into her head at the feeling. Panting, their eyes met as he lined himself up and with one quick thrust, he was in her. It felt so good and they both moaned at the sensation.

She clung to him, desperate for him to be as humanly close to her as possible. Slowly, he pulled back and thrust into her as his hands found their way under her knees and urged her legs higher. They both moaned at the change in sensation that was produced. She moaned at the feeling of him inside her as she rested her heels on his lower back.

It felt so good…

Their hips rocked together as they established a rhythm between their bodies. Her nails dug into the damp flesh of his back as Barba picked up the pace and urged the rhythm between them to increase. Elia could see pleasure written across his face. His lips parted as he breathed heavily with each passing moment and she bit her bottom lip as the familiar tension that had been in her body before was building again. His green eyes were hooded and he moaned her name like a prayer as they moved in perfect sync with every second felt better than the next. Her hand slipped between their bodies, desperate to recreate the feeling that he'd given her only minutes before.

Their hips moving together, their breathing hard…

Elia was sure she'd never felt so wonderful in her entire life and the feeling built with each frenzied thrust of their hips. She was as close as he was and Barba moved faster and faster against her. She could feel the coil that was within her beginning to tighten again until it was almost painful. In a single moment, the coil broke and she cried out as she fell off the edge for a second time into toe curling pleasure that the abyss offered. It pulsed through her veins again and every part of her hummed with satisfaction all over again. She clenched her eyes shut tightly, silently crying out at the feeling that was crashing over her in waves. Barba gave a few more hard thrusts before a deep groan came from his chest and his body became rigid and trembled just as hers had.

He dropped his head and rested his forehead next to her head on the bed as he tried to catch his breath. She could feel each shuddering breath he took and she couldn't stop herself from holding him close to her. Kissing the side of his head, neck, and shoulders, she wrapped her arms around him and let her legs fall down to the bed. Elia didn't want the moment to end as Barba's hand found her and laced their fingers together. He gave a gentle squeeze. Closing her eyes, neither one of them said anything as their breathing finally returned to normal.

She wasn't sure how much time passed, but Barba moved off of her.

He fell beside her on the bed and together, they lay still, staring up at the ceiling. At some point, the blankets were maneuvered and they slipped under them. Clutching the sheets to her body, Elia lay on her side and she smiled as she felt his arm move across her waist. By morning, his hand would be cupping her breast. She was sure of it, but she found that she didn't mind the though.

"We have to talk about my father," he murmured, pressing several kisses to her shoulder blade. All ready to repeat what they'd just did all over again…

"I don't want to talk about my father or your father when your hands and lips are on my body like this," she moaned, turning over to face him again and he hummed in agreement. He pressed kisses to her lips and together, they lost themselves in the mutual pleasure of their bodies and the deeply needed oblivion that it offered for a second time that night.

* * *

 _February 14, 2015…_

It was light when Barba opened his eyes the next day. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sleeping, but the warm body next to his made him smile. Managing to untangle himself from Elia, he pulled the sheet over her before slipping out of bed and putting the blue and white striped cotton pajama pants on that he'd planned on wearing the night before to bed. Throwing a white t-shirt on as well, he opened their door and quietly snuck out into the hallway.

The Brownstone was silent and still as he crept down the steps and went to the kitchen. He didn't know where Abuelita was, but he assumed that she was around somewhere. Her fat cat had made itself comfortable in his new home and was on the counter when Barba scowled at it. The orange tabby had been a stray that his Abuelita had started taking care of by simply offering it food. At some point, she'd named it and unofficially adopted it, domesticating the now very spoiled fat cat. The blue ribbon and small bell that Elia had tied around the cat's neck jingled softly as the rolled on the counter, showing his belly with an expectant look in his electric green eyes.

"That's not happening, Charlie," Barba said as he picked the cat up and placed it on the ground. "Elia and Abuelita may spoil you, but you're not supposed to be on the counters and I don't reward bad behavior."

The cat meowed and swished his tail. Barba almost imagined that the tail was Charlie giving him the finger for not rubbing his fluffy belly.

"Do you think that cats realize that the Egyptians worshipped them?"

The sound of Abuelita's voice slightly startled him and Barba saw her sitting in the breakfast nook, knitting what appeared to be socks. He opened up specific cupboards and began making a cup of coffee.

"I think that all Charlie thinks about is when he'll get fed or petted next. God only knows how much you and Elia spoil that cat," he told her as he poured himself a cup of steaming, hot coffee.

"I have no great-grandchildren to spoil," Catalina pointed out as he moved over to greet her. "Who am I going to spoil? You?"

Barba smiled and pressed a kiss to her cheek, "I love you too, Abeulita. We'll be ready for church soon. Just give us fifteen minutes."

"It's almost noon. We missed church hours ago. Don't worry, Raffie. I called ahead earlier and I told Father Matthew that you and Elia were having a private worship session and couldn't be disturbed," Catalina told him with a grin. "He was very understanding and said that he'd see us next Sunday and to call if we needed anything. I told him that I hoped for a baptism soon."

Barba almost spit out the coffee that was in his mouth and stared at the woman with wide, horrified eyes.

What had she heard and seen?

"That was very thoughtful, Abuelita," he said in a mocking tone, fully prepared to spend the day in bed with Elia. If Abuelita had already caught them, they might as well enjoy themselves…

Pouring a second cup, he grabbed both mugs and left his Abuelita, a smirk on her face, content with her knitting and the cat. He checked the clock in the foyer. It was almost noon and they'd slept through the morning. Climbing up the stairs with the cat following him at a lazy pace, Barba went to the bedroom and closed the door behind him before the cat could slip inside.

Setting the coffee mugs on the night stand, he lay back down in bed with her and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. She moaned softly in her sleep and hugged the pillow closer to her as his hand slipped under the sheet and explored her soft skin.

"Is it time to wake up for church with Abuelita?" she murmured, her voice thick with sleep. "It is Sunday, sí?"

"Sí, it's almost noon," he murmured back in between kisses. "I brought coffee."

Elia moved to lie on her back and stared up at him with a smile.

"You smell like coffee," she grinned. "I think that I've begun to dream about you smelling like coffee."

"Coffee is my favorite drink after scotch," he grinned back before leaning over and pressing a kiss to her lips. "Happy Valentine's Day, mi amor."

* * *

 _February 20, 2015…_

It was only in the days after she'd had sex with Rafael that Elia had begun to wonder if becoming sexual involved with him again was a mistake. Sitting in the living room, she stared at the cat, lying on the coffee table, casually swinging his tail and realized that she'd spent the past six nights in his bed. It would be a complete and utter lie to say that all they'd done together was sleep. No, his hands and lips had been all over her body and she blushed just thinking about where her hands and lips had been on his. Twice, Abuelita had almost caught them. Once in the shower and the second time, she'd been kneeling on the floor, a pillow beneath her knees while Barba held her hair back as she…

She covered her face and attempted not to think about the situation at all, but it was impossible. Telling herself not to think about his hands on her body only made her think about it all the more. Each time it felt so good and there was no faking her body's reaction to his touch. For the first time in a very long time, sex didn't feel mechanical between them. When they were alone, Elia knew that neither one of them could control themselves. They were like two teenagers who'd just discovered all the pleasures that their bodies could offer and they were each desperate for more.

Standing, Elia began to pace.

Sex between them would not change what was fundamentally wrong between them. They were of two separate opinions of what they wanted from life. She wanted children, he didn't, and Elia couldn't see a way around that road block. While sex between them was fun and enjoyable, it wasn't solving anything. It was only making matters stagnant between them and eventually they'd both get hurt. Not being able to withstand the unknown for a moment longer, she quickly moved through the Brownstone to the private study that was set up as Barba's home office.

"We have to talk about what's happening," Elia said as she closed the door study door behind her and leaned against it. Barba looked up from the case he was working on with an amused expression on his face. It was an expression that he'd worn for the past week and he looked happier than she'd seen him in a long time. Hell, she felt happier than she had in a very long time, but she was more confused than ever.

"Did Abuelita corner you?" he asked, looking back down at the papers in front of him.

"What? No! Has she cornered you?"

"Yes," Barba smirked and looked up. "She said that she didn't realize we could make so much noise at two o'clock in the morning."

Elia blushed bright red up to the tips of her ears and rested her head back on the door.

"We have to talk about this whole sleeping with each other thing," she announced to him after a moment. "This all started because you confronted Alex Muñoz and I…I don't know what happened between us. All I know is that we're making a mistake, Rafael."

A frown marred his face and he stood up. He walked around the desk and stood in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets. The expression on his face was unreadable, but she got the distinct feeling that he was unhappy with something. He moved to the window and reached out to grasp the wood frame that was on either side and looked out. His chin to his chest, deep in thought. She watched the way his body moved and how the muscles rippled under his skin. Elia suppressed the burning desire inside to reach out and wrap her arms around his waist, bury her face in between his shoulder blades and forget the whole conversation had ever happened.

"Say something," she demanded. "Don't make me stand here and feel stupid."

"It was a heated moment, I admit it," he finally said, raising his head after a few moments of silence. "But It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is when you ding a car door or something."

"Then what would you call it?" Elia demanded as she stood up and moved away from the door, "A lapse in good judgment? That's what I tell my patients."

He was silent for a moment before he turned and looked at her, "I do want children, Elia. I wasn't sure before, but I am now."

Elia felt was gobsmacked as she looked at him with narrowed eyes. His admission coming out of the blue, she didn't know what to do. Crossing her arms over her chest, she felt incredibly stupid. He wasn't having sex with her because he desired her. He was having sex with her so that he could con her into not leaving him. In that moment, she'd never felt more used and angry in her entire life.

"Don't you dare start bargaining and saying things," she snapped, tears of anger springing to her eyes. "Don't you dare, you already told me that you didn't want children after having told me before you married me that you did. I am not a wind-up doll that you get to play with when it suits you."

"I don't think that about you at all," Barba murmured softly as he let go of the window frame and straightened his spine. "You're not a toy to me, Elia. Why would you think that I would believe that?"

"Stop it," she told him. "Whatever this is about, stop it. I am not staying with you because you'll have children with me against your will. You made it abundantly clear that you don't want a family."

"That was before."

"Before what? Before I asked for a divorce? Before I told you that I made my decision to fulfill what I want without you?"

"That was before I knew the truth about my father."

"This is about Juan? Why on earth would this have anything to do with Juan?"

Barba sat down again on the couch and found himself confessing all his fears to her about being his father's son. She stood and listened to him, her mouth slightly opened in shock and her eyes wide. He probably sounded as ridiculous as he felt, telling her about his worries, but it all came tumbling out and when he was finished he watched her open and close her mouth a few times before making a choking sound.

"You…y-y-you are a jackass," she finally shouted at him. "All this time, that has been what's holding you back?! Seven years of torturing yourself about whether or not you'd turn into your father and beat our children with an electrical cord and you didn't think to say anything out loud! Jesus, Rafael, I could strangle you!"

She was on the verge of tears when he stood up and tried to reach for her.

"Don't touch me," she hissed at him. "I don't even know what to think of you. How could you not tell me?"

"I wanted to tell you when things were better between us," he explained. "I didn't tell you before because of the exact reasons that you've pointed out. I do want children, Elia. I'm still set on four and I'm sorry. I wasted so much time, mi amor. I'm a fool, I know, but I needed to figure a few things out for myself."

"You didn't waste time," she said sullenly. "You just…didn't say anything and that irritates me more than anything. Does this have anything to do with the laundry?"

He chuckled, "Yes. Abueltia bought me a book and insisted that I do the whole damn thing. I've gone through four legal pads. It's…it's been a lot of self-reflection, Elia, and I…"

"And you what?"

"And I've been a very bad husband, partner, friend…you pick, Elia. I became so busy and wrapped up in everything that I forgot about the most important thing in my life and that's you. I let things get away from me and we both stopped working at things."

Elia nodded and wrapped her arms around her, "I know, but having a child is not going for fix what's already broken."

"No, but we can fix it," Barba told her. "We can fix it together. I'm not saying let's start our family right away. I'm saying let's work together and get our life together on track. Divorce isn't going to bring closure to anything, it will bring less and I just…let's try again. You can't tell me that things between us haven't been getting better."

"They have gotten better," Elia acknowledged softly. "I don't what to think or say to you. I'm angry and I don't...I don't know what to tell you. I don't know whether to believe you because God only knows if six months from now you tell me that you changed your mind again and you don't want children. I can't do that, Rafael. I love you, but I don't know that I trust you like I used to."

"I know," he said, taking her hands in his. "I know that it will take time to build trust between us, but I am asking you to give us a chance to do that. It won't happen overnight, I know that."

Searching his face, Elia could see he was being honest and sincere about everything. She also knew that he was right. Trust wasn't built in one night, but she also realized that she trusted him more in that moment than she had the summer before. He was proving to her that they could rely on each other and wasn't that a start? Having been caught in limbo for months between staying and leaving, Elia found herself wondering just what exactly it was that she wanted from him. She knew what she personally wanted as an individual, but what exactly did she want from him and a relationship? It felt as if she'd grown so used to existing and operating outside of their marriage that she wasn't sure how to operate within it again.

"Withdraw the petition for divorce," he murmured. "I know that the lawyer has been calling you. That's the first thing to do and everything else will come fall into place overtime, Elia. I know that look on your face. You're confused and I've been confusing you for God only knows how long. Let me un-confuse things."

She didn't know what to say and he took her moment of silence and stole a kiss. His lips felt good against hers. His hands roamed over her body and she let him touch her. Maybe he was right. Maybe they could fix things.

"I'm still pissed as hell at you for earlier," she moaned when his hand found its way between her thighs. "This is not me forgiving you for that. That conversation is not over. It's being tabled for a later date."

"I know, mi amor," he whispered in her ear before kissing her lips.

* * *

Their clothing was thrown around the Brownstone's study. The door was half opened and the cat was sitting in the window, staring at them.

"I feel like he's judging us," Barba murmured as he lightly ran his fingertips up and down the side of her arm. Elia was tucked between his body and the back of the couch. She was facing him and her leg was thrown over his. A blanket had been pulled out from somewhere and they were cocooned in it.

"You should be more worried if Abuelita finds us," Elia grinned. "What would you tell her?"

"That I love my wife and I prefer to spend my Saturdays kissing her."

She giggled at his words and kissed his cheek, "I love getting to kiss you too."

The door bell rang and he groaned. It rang twice more and she laughed.

"I'll get it," she grinned as she looked down at the growing hardness between his legs. "You're in no state to answer the door."

She climbed off the couch and quickly slipped on her jeans, bra, and his t-shirt. Promising to only be a moment, Elia left the office with Rafael lying on the couch calling after her to be quick because he had more plans that involved them both for the afternoon. Smiling, Elia quickly ran to the front door with a grin on her face. Abuelita was at the top of the stairs, but she called out to the older woman that she had the door. Unlocking the dark wood door, she opened it and was surprised to find that no one was outside. Looking around Elia frowned until she stepped outside onto the welcome mat.

Looking down, she froze seeing a second manila envelope with her name on it. Picking it up, she swallowed hard and read the note that Charles had left on top.

… _I confessed my love to you and you turned your back on me, you bitch. I'll kill you and everyone you've ever loved. Inside is just a taste of what I'll do to you when I have you in my arms…_

Swallowing hard, she looked around before quickly stepping back into the house and locking the door behind her. Leaning back on it, she looked inside the envelope and nearly screamed seeing the dead, mutilated rat that was inside. She quickly went to the kitchen, opened the back door and tossed the envelope outside and crumpled the note in her fist.

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

 **So this story will be updated once a week, I have about 30 chapters mapped out over all. So we are about 1/3 of the way through, but I am a fan of long chapters so there is still plenty of story to be told. As always, reviews keep me motivated and I do love getting feedback about each chapter. It helps me to craft a better story. There are quite a few of you out there reading, so please, leave a review! I will do my best to reply. Plus, you get a little bonus sneak peak of next chapter if you do:)**

* * *

Thanks!


	10. IX: God Knows I Tried

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are amazing as always. Again, some material that you recognize in the chapter is directly taken from the show including dialogue, cases, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!**

 **ALL ERRORS ARE MY OWN! I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

15x7, 15x8

 **Part IX**

"… _God knows I live_ _  
_ _God knows I died_ _  
_ _God knows I begged_ _  
_ _Begged, borrowed and cried_ _  
_ _God knows I loved_ _  
_ _God knows I lied_ _  
_ _God knows I lost_ _  
_ _God gave me life_ _  
_ _And God knows I tried…"_

~ "God Knows I Tried" – Lana Del Rey

 _February 22, 2015…_

Barba snuck a glance at Elia as she reread the case that he'd placed together for a former professor at Harvard. The Professor had contacted him out of the blue six months prior and asked if Barba could come up with a mock court case. The man had also asked him to include at least ten different, but obscure strategies that the prosecution could use to win the case. The students would receive the assignment soon and the professor would let Barba know if it was too hard. He didn't expect any of the professor's students to figure out any of the strategies. If they did, he'd wager it would be a lucky guess. He'd given the case to his three interns to figure out and each one had come back with comments and suggestions on wording and such, but Elia reading it made him far more nervous than anyone else reading it.

She continued to read each page and he examined her. Reading glasses that she hadn't needed when they'd first gotten married were perched on her nose. Her hair was pulled back into a bun at the base of her neck and she wore a plain cotton night gown beneath the plain cotton grey and white robe that matched. A quilt covered her legs and Charlie, the fat tabby cat, was perched in her lap. The damn thing looked comfortable and Barba was jealous. He freely admitted that fact to himself as she set aside the last page of the thirty page case he'd constructed.

"It's fine," she pronounced, capping her pen and running a hand over Charlie's soft fur. "I just made a few notes about tenses between words. If your interns vetted it for content for the actual law part, you'll have to trust their judgment."

"That's not something I trust. I let them read it and try to solve it on their own first," he said, taking the papers from her when she offered the stack to him. "They said it was difficult, but it wasn't too bad."

Elia nodded and returned her hands to petting a purring Charlie. Silence engulfed the space between them and Barba sighed as he sat down on the ottoman that Elia had bought to replace the coffee table that she had deemed 'shabby' a week before. It had finally been delivered that afternoon and he'd come home to find that she'd had the delivery men move the furniture around for a hefty tip.

"Are we going to talk about this?" he asked softly.

Her eyes never met his as she looked down at Charlie. She was clearly unhappy with what he was eluding to, but they needed to talk about the afternoon two days prior. Burying it wouldn't fix the situation. It would only create anger that would turn into resentment. The last thing Barba wanted was for Elia to resent him. He could easily imagine that she'd start thinking that his fear and silence had cost her years of her life. It pained him to even think about what their lives could be like.

"Talk about what?" she murmured softly.

"The other day, Elia. I know that you're still angry with me and we never got to finish the conversation."

The expression on her face changed and she was tense. Her shoulders weren't relaxed like they were minutes ago and the soft expression she'd worn on her face was gone. Slipping the reading glasses off her face, Elia pushed a stray strand of blonde hair away from her face and looked at him with anger evident in her eyes.

"Can we please not talk about this? I don't want to fight with you. We had a nice evening with Abuelita and I don't want to ruin it."

"A nice evening?" Barba echoed, trying to hold back his sarcasm. "We didn't even talk at dinner. Abuelita did all the talking. It's like we took one step forward and went three steps back."

"Rafael, don't," Elia warned as she pushed the blanket off of her and stood.

From the look in her eye, Barba could tell that she was itching for a fight with him. She was angry now that the shock from what he'd told her had worn off. Sex had been able to repress it for a little while. Their time on the couch had suppressed her intial anger, but the moment that she'd left the office, she'd changed. Something had happened and he was desperate to talk about it. He didn't care where they started, he just wanted to talk about what was happening between them because he'd broke his own promise to himself of not having sex with her until he was certain that she wasn't having pelvic pain. They'd been doing so well and his poorly time confession had derailed everything.

Hell, he shouldn't have let her kiss him.

Neither of them were capable of thinking clearly and he imagined that she still hadn't reconciled herself to the fact that they'd had sex, multiple times, over a period of a week before she suddenly pulled back from him. He couldn't explain what had happened, but he wanted to know. One moment he'd been making love to her on the couch in his home office and the next, she was changing into running clothing and giving him the cold shoulder. The one hundred and eighty degree change made no sense to him, but Barba had given up years before on trying to understand anything. In the past, he'd leave her alone, but experience had taught him that it wasn't the right approach. Maybe he should just approach the whole situation like Elia did? Head on…

"Why'd you kiss me?" he blurted out as she walked away. Elia froze in the archway between the living room and the foyer. She turned and faced him with a tired expression on her face.

"What?"

"Why'd you kiss me the night I confronted Alex?" he repeated. "Why'd you do it?"

"Why would it matter if I did tell you?"

"Because I don't think that you kissed me because you felt sorry for me," Barba explained. "We've never had pity sex before and that night…we didn't have pity sex. I can't even call it sex because it wasn't that. It was something different and I know that you felt it too."

"I kissed you because it just felt right," she said in a broken voice. "You seemed broken about what had happened and it just…I couldn't imagine leaving you alone. I didn't think that the rest would happen, but you are right about one thing. I don't regret it and it wasn't a mistake, Rafael. I realize, I just wanted to feel some sort of connection to you. I feel like I don't know how to have that connection with you if I'm not having sex with you. If I'm not kissing you, I'm mad as hell at you. I'm so mad I don't even make sense to myself."

"I know you're angry. We haven't actually spoken in two days since I told you the truth. Can talk about it?"

"Fine," she snarled. "I'm angry at you for not saying anything about your doubts because I kept telling myself for years that having a child with you would make me feel a connectedness with you and after all this time, I don't think it will and that terrifies me."

"We're not talking about having a child right now. We're talking about you being angry at me."

"No, we're talking about whether or not I can trust you to be honest with me in the future," Elia continued as she hugged herself. "I don't know how to even begin explaining to you how I feel, Rafael. You didn't say anything to me and I understand that you were afraid. I do understand and accept that, but how can I trust that this won't happen again? I feel like you looked at our relationship and decided that it was better to lie and build a life on a lie than tell the truth. God, do you really think so little of me that you couldn't even share with me something like that? Something so fundamental to our relationship and not trust in our marriage enough to tell me how you feel?"

"I didn't lie, Elia," he murmured. "That wasn't my intention."

"What do you call what you did then?" she shouted angrily. "You lied about how you felt! First, you wanted kids with me and you couldn't wait and then you change your mind and now, you changed it back. Here I am, I tell you everything. I told you about every guy I ever dated, every bad thing that I've experienced. You didn't even mention Yelena Muñoz and you were supposedly with her for two years. That's a real confidence boost in your ability to be honest with me and our relationship. Tell me, how can I trust you? How do I do that?"

"Don't act like you don't keep secrets from me," Barba snarled back. "Don't do that, Elia."

"I freely admit that I have secrets from you. It involves things that you don't need to know about because they don't involve you. I have never lied about something that involves the both of us. I never lied about having children or not wanting children or anything major like that. You didn't even give us a chance to talk about any of it. You just took the decision from us both and swept it under the rug like it didn't matter. You don't care that hearing you say that you didn't want children with me broke my heart."

"Elia, tell me that you wouldn't have left before. If I had told you that I didn't want children before all this, you would have walked out the door and never looked back. Don't tell me that you wouldn't have left."

"You don't know that," she snapped. "You don't! You never gave me a chance to decide because you took that away. You lied to keep me with you. Don't act like it was unselfish acts or something like that. You did it because you're selfish and you didn't want me to leave or even give me the opportunity to decide."

"You would have left, Elia. You would have left and my head would have been spinning on an axis from how fast you would have packed your bags."

"You don't see my point, Rafael! None of the hypothetical matters and it never did! You didn't tell the truth, you covered it up! I don't know how to forgive you for lying to me for seven years and move on," she shouted back. "I don't know how to do that. Three months ago, I was reconciling myself to the fact that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother. Maybe that's why I have fibroids. It's not meant to be my calling or whatever the hell you want to call it. Two days ago, you spin around on what you said and you're asking me to be okay with something like that. Just do what you do, right? Sweep it under the rug like it never happened."

"I'm not asking you to be okay. I'm asking to talk about it."

"I don't understand why we're having this conversation. There's no point. We're going around in circles and we have nothing to talk about because the bottom line is that I don't trust you and I don't know how to move past this."

"Elia," Barba argued as he felt her closing down. "You left the study. I hoped that we could talk about things and you returned looking like you'd seen a ghost or something. Explain that and tell me what the hell I'm supposed to think of that, Elia? You told me that you don't feel connected with me outside of sex. Elia, talk to me, because something happened two days ago. If you wanna build closeness, this is our chance. You know it. I know it. Don't lie and tell me that I'm not involved with what's happening. Being connected, we have to learn how to open up and share with each other and it's a growing pain that we have to go through. Please, I don't want to fight, I want to talk."

"I can't talk to you anymore," she snapped. "I just can't. You don't understand and I can't talk about this anymore. We're on two separate pages. You want to talk about one little moment when you don't see the big picture."

She turned on her heel and left the room. He heard her move up the stairs and the house became silent. Sitting down on the couch, Barba leaned back as far as he could and looked up at the ceiling and the light fixture with the fan spinning above him. He groaned because the conversation had gone south so quickly. In truth, he hadn't anticipated how angry she was with him. Anger, he could understand, but he'd been trying so hard not to break the trust that he was attempting to build with her. Despite all his caution, he had broken her trust and he understood that she probably felt the same way that he felt about Alex's betrayal. It hurt and he didn't know how to get around the pain.

God, he wanted a drink, but he couldn't bring himself to stand up. He'd screwed up and having to pass the mirror in the hallway was distasteful. Looking at himself, he'd be forced to admit that while he didn't lie outright, he'd spent a significant amount of time omitting the truth to her. She had every reason to doubt his trust and he didn't blame her if she was having second thoughts about having a family with him. At every step, he'd proved to her that she couldn't trust him.

But he couldn't trust her either, could he?

Elia had plenty of secrets of her own. She'd proven that just by her actions on Sunday. Something had spooked her at the door and she had hid it. The happy, loving woman had been replaced by a jumpy, unsettled woman and his heart dropped to his stomach as he thought about the one conclusion that his mind had drawn up.

Elia hadn't met someone else, had she? He covered his eyes with a hand for a moment before dropping it down to the couch. If she had, Barba wasn't sure he'd be able to withstand that kind of situation. Despite all their ups and downs, he was confident that she'd always been faithful. He'd always been faithful to her, but what if she had met another man? Someone who hadn't put her through hell like he had? Would she still stay with him? Would love be enough for her?

He shook the thoughts out of his head and he felt guilty for even thinking that Elia would have an affair. She wouldn't and it was so far out of character that he had no basis for his accusations. He may have been an absent husband, but he wasn't a stupid one. Elia was devoted to their vows, she didn't take her rings off like he had. She just wouldn't do that and he felt guilty for even questioning her integrity in such away, but she was questioning his and it hurt.

Barba understood perfectly what she was saying. She didn't trust him, but how could she? He'd built part of their life by omitting the truth about his fears. Their problem went deeper than his fears. In her mind, he fractured their relationship by not telling her. Elia had always been honest and up front with him since they'd started seeing each other, even before that. By not telling her something so monumentally important, he'd betrayed the trust she had in him. Yelena wouldn't have been such an issue if she hadn't already been dealing with the rest and he still hadn't told her about the forced kiss.

Closing his eyes, Barba propped his feet up on the ottoman. He didn't know how to fix his marriage. No amount of laundry, calling her in the middle of the day, or kiss her cheek would change her mind. He hadn't prayed to God outside of Church in a long time, but he silently sent up a prayer in that moment that God would give some guidance…anything that would fix what he'd royally screwed up.

* * *

 _March 6, 2015…_

Sitting on the edge of the tub, Elia didn't know if she was being reasonable or unreasonable. They'd gone back to sleeping in separate bedrooms and even though they were still sharing a closet, they weren't talking. It was like contest between them to see who'd cave first and talk. Rubbing lotion into her skin, she tried to reconcile just what the hell she was going to do. She had two options. Stay with Rafael, or continue with the divorce. Neither option was simple and she was so tired of going back and forth. Elia told herself that she needed to pick one route and stay on it. Going back and forth was cruel to the both of them. She'd told him that sex between them wasn't a mistake, and it wasn't. Sex between them was an absolute cluster fuck that was making her emotional and feeling vulnerable.

Sex did not fix anything. It felt good, but it wasn't going to change what had happened between them and she was sick to death telling herself that. She needed to pick what she was going to do because her indecisiveness was driving her crazy. She either needed to find a way to forgive him and move on from what had happened and learn from it or walk away. For someone who helped others for a living, Elia had no ideas on how to help herself. Putting the lotion away, she stood up and left the bathroom. Barba was already half dressed when she walked into the closet. Setting her phone down, she placed the pearl stud earrings that she'd carried with her from the bathroom in each ear.

Grabbing the loose gray dress that she planned to wear for the day and a pair of black tights, Elia sat down on the ottoman in the closet and slipped the tights on as gracefully as she could. She could feel his eyes on her every so often and she couldn't deny that she'd look over her shoulder at him when he wasn't looking. The tension between them was thick enough that it could be cut with a knife. It was obvious that he wanted to say something to her, but he didn't and she couldn't blame him. She wasn't exactly in the mood to talk with him and as Lucille had said in the past, she had a good resting bitch face when she tried hard enough.

Zipping her dress up, Elia paused when she heard her phone ding. Sighing, she grabbed it, already wondering which one her clients had chosen to overdose or drink themselves into oblivion because their spouse had been caught by some gossip columnist cheating. Whatever was happening, Elia had never felt such a keen dislike of her job before. When she looked down at the screen, it wasn't an SOS text message from her assistant trying to book an emergency appointment. It wasn't her boss begging for her to come in early.

It wasn't actually from anyone.

It was a reminder from her period tracker app.

Opening it, Elia felt her blood go cold as she stared down at the words. The app was reminding her to log information about the period that should have ended a week ago.

A period that she'd never gotten.

"Fuck," Elia said loudly as she looked at the calendar. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Barba looked over his shoulder at her with a raised eyebrow as he tucked his blue and white stripped dress shirt in his black dress pants. Elia ignored him as she stared at the screen of her phone. Unable to believe what she was actually reading, she let out a shaky breath. Throwing the phone on the shelf, she felt suddenly dizzy as she closed her eyes and leaned against wall.

"Please, tell me that we weren't stupid."

"What are you talking about?" Barba asked as he moved to stand out in the bedroom, in front of the mirror to tie his yellow tie. Elia nearly darted out of the room and moved like a cat on a hot tin roof as she went to the en-suite bathroom and crouching down to look in the bottom of one of the cabinets. They kept a various assortment of items in the one of the drawers including razor blades, shaving cream, and spare tooth brushes. Beneath spare wash cloths, she kept an emergency pregnancy test.

Moving the contents around the drawer, Elia hissed in frustration when she couldn't find the purple and white box that she needed. Standing up from her crouched position, she quickly went back to the closet and grabbed her phone. Barba was buttoning his waistcoat, watching her and she ignored him. Back in the bathroom, she quickly dialed her assistant and wedge the phone between her ear and shoulder.

"What's wrong?" he asked, standing in the doorway of the bathroom, a frown on his face.

"Nothing," she snapped at him as she moved to a different drawer, trying to figure out what she'd done with the stupid EPT that she purposefully kept in the bathroom. The phone rang twice, and she heard her assistant, Jenny, over the phone.

"Can you do me a favor?" Elia asked without preamble. "There's a card in my top desk drawer for Amelia Rossi. Call her office and get the first available appointment. Just clear any of my appointments that you have to, Jenny. If people give you a hard time, just tell them to call me."

Her assistant was quick to agree and Elia ended the call, leaving the phone on the counter as she searched through a third drawer.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," she mumbled to herself as she covered her face with her hands. She'd forgotten that Barba was still in the door way until she heard his voice. He was watching her with a worried look in his eyes and she desperately wanted to ignore him, but he made it impossible to do.

"You want to tell me what has you searching through the bathroom like a frantic madwoman? What do you need? Maybe I can pick it up from the store for you today?"

"You know, it's not your problem. I can deal with it," she snapped, feeling like a panic attack was about to seize her. "I have to go to the grocery store today. I will grab what I need there and everything will be fine."

She made to move past him, but he caught her by the upper arms. He looked down at her with concern and Elia ignored the feelings that his touch brought. She wanted to move past him and gather her bag and leave. She had an appointment with her first client in an hour and she needed to figure out how the hell she was going to push away her own problems and to deal with other people's problems. It was the buzzing of her phone that saved her in the end. It buzzed so violently that it fell into the empty sink basin. Barba let go of her and she crossed the bathroom to grabbed it. When she went to move away, he let her pass this time. Elia felt unsteady as she walked to the closet and grabbed a pair of boots to wear.

* * *

Barba sat still and tried his best to focus on the paperwork that he needed to complete for Amelia Albers' case. He'd prepped the woman and he admired her spirit and determination to proceed to trial, but a part of him wanted to go home and find out what exactly had freaked Elia out to the point of swearing earlier that morning. It had probably been years since he'd actually heard her say the word 'fuck' aloud. She'd had a panicked looked in her eyes and he hadn't been able to explain it. It made him feel as if he should have been panicking in some way with her.

There was knock on his door and Barba forced himself to look up as Olivia walked in looking as tired as he felt. He dropped his pen on his desk and leaned back in the office chair. She'd been counseling Amelia and her family through the judicial process because God only knew that he wasn't the warm, friendly prosecutor that most people imagined.

It was easier to seem emotionally unattached to everything. It made dealing with victims and cases easier for him because there were times when he simply couldn't do anything. The law tied his hands and he'd seen Elia bring work home with her. Despite being caring and loving, Elia had very little sympathy left in her for patients. She'd grow frustrated with them for staying in abusive relationships or unhappily married simply for money and only using her to complain about their situation. He'd heard her on the phone actually telling her assistant to let some patients go because they weren't making progress and for her sanity, she couldn't listen to them complain any longer. He wondered silently if she'd taught him over the years to emotionally distance himself from cases. He cared, but he didn't bring his emotions with him to the table like Elia and Olivia did on occasion.

"You look tired," Olivia commented as she sat down in the chair across from him. "You should go home. Trial starts in twelve hours. I just came from visiting Amelia and she was ready for bed."

"I don't sleep well the night before a trial begins," Barba admitted as he leaned back further in his chair and propped his feet up. "Elia used to tell me to either walk off the extra energy until I'm tired or go sleep in the guestroom. She's always been a light sleeper. In Massachusetts, the person who lived above us used to pace at night and make noise. It'd drive her crazy when we were first married. I actually went and bought wax plugs one night so that she could sleep."

Olivia looked surprised by his admission, "What would she tell you to do tonight?"

"Considering that she and I aren't even sleeping in the same bed? Nothing," Barba said with bitter smile. "She's probably just getting home from work. Mondays are usually her busy nights and she and Abuelita will both be asleep by the time that I get home."

Olivia nodded and they were both quiet. Barba didn't want to reveal more, but Olivia was a kind person who anyone could easily speak to. She and Elia had that in common. It was a gift, really. A gift that not many people had and he watched as Olivia crossed her legs.

"I'm sorry about your marriage," she told him. "I, uh, I've never been married. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to go through a divorce and try and separate yourself out from all of it. How are you holding up?"

Barba shook his head and gave her a second bitter smile, "I blew it. That's what happened. I, uh, I told her the truth and it was just too little, too late. I asked her to withdraw the divorce petition, but I don't think that she will. There's just too much that's happened to really ever be able to fix our relationship. Every time that I think we're taking a step forward, we take three steps back."

"I'm sorry," Olivia murmured again.

"Why? It's not your fault. I did this and no one is responsible."

"I know, but you're hurting and I'm sorry for that."

Barba gave her a forced, small smile and nodded. He didn't say anything and neither did Olivia. Sitting together in his office, he remembered the text message that he'd see pop up on Elia's phone the week before and he cleared his throat.

"How was your run with Elia?"

Olivia smiled, "Keeping tabs on us?"

"She was in the shower and her phone pinged that there was a new message," Barba explained. "She and I sometimes glance over to make sure that it's not an emergency call or text from work. I just saw your name and something about running."

"Elia sets a hard pace," she grinned. "I have my exam coming up and that also means a physical. I was hoping to cut down on my running time for the test and Elia pushes a grueling pace. I've been aching for days."

"She ran cross country for Harvard. She made nationals and placed tenth in the conference," Barba said with a smile of his own. "I remember George being excited for her and her mother asking why she was beat by ten other women."

"You ever go running with her?"

"I jog two miles in the morning before anyone else gets up. Elia runs upwards of fifty miles a week. I'm not a masochist like she can be. I love her, but I'm not a hard core runner like she's always been."

Olivia nodded and stood she moved to the door and stopped. Her hand was on the door knob when she turned and looked at him, "I, uh, heard what you told Amelia when you were down in the courtroom prepping her the other day. You told her that you'd be there for her and that you were in her corner. You should go home, Barba. Let Elia know that you're in her corner and that you're gonna be there for her. Sometimes, that's all we need to hear."

* * *

Elia was lying awake in bed when he turned the nightstand lamp on.

She was staring up at the ceiling, lost in her own world, but she eventually turned and looked at him when he lay down next to her in his pajamas. She was lying more towards the center to the bed, the down comforter pulled just under her breasts. No protest came from her and he felt himself relax next to her as much as he could. She scooted over until there was a few inches between their shoulders. Turning his head, he looked at her profile as she stared up at the ceiling. He realized that he could see a few lines just at the corner of her eyes…smile lines. That's what his mother had called them. Elia had smile lines just like he was getting frown lines.

"How was your day?" he asked softly, hoping that she'd open up and tell him just why she looked like she was fighting the urge to flee from the bed. Her expression hadn't changed since he'd entered the room and he felt relieved that he probably wasn't the source of her anxiety.

"Horrible," she murmured softly as she sighed. "I don't want to talk about it. It was just…exhausting. I'm tired of everyone fighting around me. I'm tired of fighting."

There was a silence between them for a few minutes and just when Barba began to think that she'd fallen asleep, she turned her head and looked at him.

"How's your trial?" she asked. "Fin said that it starts tomorrow."

Talking about the gang rape of a young coast guard officer wasn't his first choice of topics to talk about with Elia, but he couldn't over look the fact that she was talking to him. She'd given him a chance to have a meaningful conversation with her and he knew that Olivia's advice had been spot on. The only way to get passed what was happening was to show Elia that all the changes he was trying to make in his relationship with her weren't just to keep her.

"I…I don't know how it will go. It's a variable he said, she said. The victim's memory is spotty. Her details have been inconsistent."

"You're get your ass handed to you. Cue reasonable doubt aqquittal, but you wouldn't take the case unless you were half certain that you'd win it," Elia murmured. "So, I'm assuming that the evidence of what actually happened is overwhelming. I don't envy having to look at photographs and reports like you have to."

Barba let out a long sigh as Elia turned onto her side and faced him. She fixed the pillow under her head before looking over her shoulder at the alarm clock on her nightstand.

"Abuelita will probably want to interrogate you in the morning," she sighed looking back at him. "I'll distract her and take her to breakfast while you're in the shower. You can leave and not worry about running into her."

"What would she interrogate me about?" Barba asked with a confused expression on his face as he looked at her.

"Our fight last Wednesday and she's been badgering me about it since Friday and today is Monday. Apprently, she heard it all and wants to help us work out or problems. She was actually getting ready to call Father Matthew and invite him over for dinner."

"Oh God," Barba groaned, covering his face with his hand for a second. "What'd you tell her?"

"That it wasn't any of her business," Elia sighed, rolling back over to stare up at the ceiling. "I appreciated her concern, but it wasn't her problem and we'd fight quietly next time."

Barba sighed again, "You don't have to distract her. About this morning…is everything alright?"

"Yeah," she said, shifting in the bed. "I, uh, got what I needed from the store."

"Will you tell me what your swearing fit was all about?"

Elia looked back at him and blue eyes met green ones. She held his gaze for a moment before her gaze shifted to the hand resting on his chest and the silver band on his finger.

"Not today. Tell me about Yelena," she countered. "If we're gonna get past all this, start by telling about Yelena."

Her reluctance to share her problem didn't surprise him. Barba knew that she was hiding things from him, but he also knew that if he pushed Elia, she wouldn't tell him anything. She was like a deer in the woods and he needed to move slowly and make no more sudden movement. Her words were his second chance and he wasn't sure how many more he was going to get, if any.

"It was a horrible relationship," he told her. "I figured out early on that she loved the fact that Alex wanted political office and had ambitions. She doesn't love people. She loves what they can offer her. I didn't tell you about her because it just didn't even register in my mind to tell you about the most selfish person I've ever met. Why talk about a woman like her when I'd rather talk with you? How could you or I possibly benefit from talking about Yelena? I didn't see a point. I didn't talk about her because I wanted to hide her from you. It wasn't my intention and it came across that way."

She was quiet a moment before she turned her head and looked at him, "Thank you for telling me."

Lying next to each other, Barba didn't know what to say as she lay still. He wasn't sure what he'd expected from her, but he recognized that she wasn't up for actually having a serious conversation and he wasn't either. He'd said what he felt like he needed to say and he felt better. A weight had been lifted from his chest and he felt like he could breathe a little easier. Her eyes told him the story of how exhausted she was and he turned the nightstand lamp off.

* * *

 _March 7, 2015…_

Elia had anxiously bitten all her fingernails off. It was a horrible habit that she'd broken at the age of ten when her mother threatened to hit her if she continued, but staring at the three pregnancy tests on the counter made it impossible not to feel anxious. This wasn't happening, she told herself silently, this wasn't happening to her. Sure, they'd been completely reckless. She couldn't even remember if they'd even used protection in the short week that they'd been having sex. God only knew that they'd done it enough times and it only took one second for things to happen.

Resisting the urge to pace, Elia told herself that she was over reacting.

There was no way that she was pregnant. The doctor had been insisted that there was no way that she'd ever be able to get pregnant with the uterine fibroids. The whole point of the surgery that she would be having would be to remove them so she had a better opportunity to conceive. Besides, she had no symptoms. Most of the women she knew talked about morning sickness and how they'd taken a pregnancy test after feeling sick, but Elia silently told herself that morning sickness usually didn't start until the sixth week of pregnancy.

If she was pregnant, she wouldn't be that far along.

Pregnancy was considered two weeks at conception and if her math was right, she was barely five weeks…if she was even pregnant. Taking a shuddering breath, Elia forced herself to breathe in and out. There was still two minutes left on the timer. She would not get ahead of herself, but a little voice in the back of her head asked her if she'd even keep the baby. Everything was so wrong and this wasn't what she wanted. If she was pregnant, this was not what was supposed to happen. She hadn't planned for it to happen this way.

Unable to stand still a moment longer, Elia glanced at the clock and breathed out a sigh of relief. One more minute and she'd have an idea. Either way, she'd already called her doctor's office about the missed period. Doctor Rossi had asked to be notified of any changes in her cycle and this, well, this was a change. Either she would need to have surgery sooner or she was pregnant. Both she viewed as serious problems and she didn't know what to think about either. She had her stalker problem to deal with, patients, and Rafael was a headache and a heartache that she didn't even want to think about and she groaned loudly.

What would he say about this?

She couldn't keep this a secret, not when she was angry at him for keeping secrets.

She wanted to be angry at him, but he was right that having a connection outside of sex meant talking about real issues between them. They couldn't keep having meaningless conversations. Their marriage couldn't be sustained with meaningless words. Thinking of the manila envelopes still in the dresser drawer in the guest bedroom, she felt more guilt. Between this and everything else, she was in no position to be angry with him about the past when she was clearly doing the same thing that he'd done. She wasn't intentionally lying to him, she was simply hiding facts that she wasn't comfortable sharing with him in the present moment.

Wasn't that was he'd done?

She knew that she was a hypocrite for yelling at him for concealing his feelings when she was hiding the fact that she had a patient sending her threatening notes and the situation was escalating.

God, how had everything become such a mess?

Hearing her phone beep, she silenced it and glanced at the tests.

Staring at them, Elia burst into tears. She wasn't sure what to think, but she reached for her phone. She had two calls to make.

* * *

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	11. X: Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are amazing as always. Again, some material that you recognize in the chapter is directly taken from the show including dialogue, cases, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!**

 **ALL ERRORS ARE MY OWN! I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

 **Part X**

"… _'Cause this house don't feel like home_

 _If you love me, don't let go  
Whoa, if you love me, don't let go_

 _Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady  
Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady…"_

~ "Unsteady" – X-Ambassadors

 _March 14, 2015…_

Elia was exhausted, but she sat on the exam table in the doctor's office.

It had been one week since she'd taken the pregnancy test and it was positive. In seven days, she hadn't been able to wrap her head around the fact that she was possibly pregnant. The morning sickness that she'd been preparing for had finally arrived the day before and she'd found herself surprisingly sick after dinner, not in the morning like the name suggested. A queasy feeling had settled over her and she hadn't been able to shake it since. It had only been two days of the sickness, but she was already over it. Smells that had never bothered her before seemed intolerable. Barba had been making coffee that morning and she'd almost puked from the smell of it. He'd been on the phone the whole time with Olivia talking about a case, completely unaware, but Elia was certain that Abuelita was on to her.

Shifting uncomfortably on the table, she sighed and did her best to relax. Nothing was certain, she told herself, maybe she wasn't pregnant. It was possible that her body was just starting menopause _really_ early. It had happened to her mother and Elia couldn't decide which thought was worse.

Pregnancy or early menopause...

The outcome of the conversation she and Rossi were going to have would be uncomfortable. No amount of mental preparation was going to prepare her for what was coming. Her phone rang in her bag and Elia reached for it. Pulling it out, she swallowed the lump in her chest that had formed. A picture of her and Rafael from their younger days appeared on the screen along with his name. Quickly sending him to voicemail, she was surprised when he texted her moments later.

 _Abuelita said you're at the doctor's office. Is everything alright? You looked ill this morning._

Staring down at the screen, Elia wasn't sure what to say. Damn, Abuelita…the old woman was like a blood hound on the hunt some days and she couldn't take it. Rafael texted her moments later with a question mark and she bit her bottom lip.

 _I'm waiting to see the doctor! Don't you have work to do? You were on the phone all morning with Benson talking about the gang rape of some teenage girl. YOU RUINED MY BREAKFAST._

Her response sounded slightly bitchy, but that was how she felt. Annoyed, irate, tired, and if one more person asked her if she was okay, Elia was going to commit murder. Just as she was about to send a second message to Barba warning him to leave her alone, there was knock on the door. She called for the doctor to enter and Rossi, a woman in her late forties, poked her head around the door with a smile on her face.

"Hello," she smiled. "We got the blood work back."

"And?" Elia demanded feeling like she was on pins and needles.

Doctor Rossi's smile grew, "You're pregnant, Elia. Congratulations!"

"No, that's not...possible."

"I did the test twice myself," Rossi assured her as she sat down on a stool and set the chart on the small counter next to the sink.

Elia gave a nervous laugh and shook her head in denial, "You must have mixed my test results with someone else's results."

"There is another way to confirm," Rossi said and ten minutes later, Elia was getting a transvaginal ultrasound. It was slightly uncomfortable and she felt like a trapped animal in a cage.

"I'm pretty sure that I didn't mix up your uterus with another," Rossi said confidently and turned the screen so Elia could look at it. Shock coursed through her veins and she was thankful that she was lying down. She felt lightheaded and her stomach twisted into a bundle of anxiety. She wanted to half convince herself that she was still in bed and this was all a dream, but the evidence that Rossi had presented her with was overwhelming her.

"You were convinced it could never happen," Elia finally said in a shaky voice. "You said…"

"I guess I was wrong," the doctor said with a smile. "You are definitely pregnant."

Elia stared at her with evident shock and Rossi's smile disappeared.

"Elia, this wasn't planned, was it?"

"No," she answered in a shaky voice. "I, uh, I'm not…"

"There are other options," Rossi said quietly. "I'm sorry for being cheerful when you're facing a crisis. You talked about wanting children before and I simply thought that this would make you happy. Let's talk about your options for this pregnancy."

* * *

Elia didn't care that it was late and her body was begging for sleep.

The manila envelopes were spread out in front of her on the coffee table and she was desperately trying to decide how to tell Rafael about what had been happening. She couldn't put it off any longer. If she didn't reach out and tell him than he'd find out some other way and it would be a disaster. Covering her face with her hands, Elia told herself that it was okay to feel anxious. She rarely went to Rafael with a problem and now, she had two very big, overwhelming problems that she needed help with. One wanted to kill her and the other felt like it was sucking up any sleep that she secured.

Hearing movement, Elia realized that he was home and quickly stuffed the manila envelopes under the couch cushion. Hugging her arms around her, she stood in the center of their living room. She didn't care that the TV was on and that it was almost eleven o'clock on a Friday night. She really didn't care that Barba was hours late. He was standing in their foyer, stripping off his heavy outer jacket with a frown on his face. She had to tell him about Charles. He'd threatened her life and she believed every word that he'd said.

"I thought that you'd be asleep," he said. "Where's Abuelita?"

"Sleeping," Elia replied softly. "I was waiting up for you."

Barba frowned, "You should have called. I would have come earlier. I was just at the office going over a case with my interns."

He went into the kitchen and she could hear him opening a cupboard. She figured that he was getting a glass of scotch and for the first time she actually thought about the fact that someday, they'd have a teenager that they'd have to hide their alcohol from and she felt a lump growing just above her heart.

They were not ready to be parents.

In theory, everything seemed perfect. Now that reality was rearing its ugly head, Elia wasn't confident at all. In fact, she was scared to death at the thought of having a child. Things between them were so strained that it seemed almost unreal.

Barba looked at her with a raised brow, "You waited up for me?"

"I was worried that you wouldn't be coming home. The news said that there was a snow storm on the way and I just wanted to be sure before I went to bed."

She was a coward and she wanted to smack the back of her head. Quickly saying goodnight, Elia retreated up to the spare bedroom and stared up at the ceiling. Sleep eluded her the rest of the night.

* * *

 _March 17, 2015…_

"Three suspects positively identified by the victim, prints all over the scene, DNA matches to the rape kit. All three with priors and known gang affiliations, I don't see what the problem is," Barba said as he stood in the middle of the squad room with his hands in his pockets. In the back of his mind, he was still processing Elia's pale face earlier in the morning. She'd looked positively exhausted and Abuelita had openly commented on how tired she looked. All Elia had done was smile and gave an excuse about tossing and turning all night before leaving. Barba had no way to back her story. Five minutes alone in Abuelita's company and the old woman had concluded that they were again sleeping in separate bedrooms.

"Perps are claiming she wanted it," Fin told him as he leaned back in his chair. Barba mental shook himself and forced himself to concentrate at the case that was being present before him.

"What else is new?" Barba asked with a skeptical look on his face. "Am I missing something?"

"The victim may be unwilling to testify," Olivia explained quietly. "Avery is traumatized. She experienced involuntary orgasm during the rape."

"I can get half-dozen experts to testify that doesn't mean consent."

"She's afraid that the defense is gonna ask about it," Rollins interjected. "I can't say that I blame her."

"Change her mind," he commanded. "Get the boyfriend to back up her story."

Barba listened as the team when on to describe Manny's association with BX9 and all the reasons why it wasn't possible that the boy would back up his girlfriend's story about the gang rape. Fin presented his theory as to why the rape happened in the first place and Barba hoped that by finding out what the real motive for the gang rape was, it would give his case more ammunition and rely less on Avery's witness testimony. Barba didn't want to hear the Romeo and Juliet sob story that was unfolding. It was annoying and it got in the way of building a strong case.

"I'll walk you out," Olivia announced after the conference was over. Barba didn't say anything, but followed her to the elevator. She hit the button and the doors opened automatically. Stepping inside, she hit the button for the main floor and the doors closed.

"I was hoping that you'd let Elia talk to Avery," Olivia said without preamble. "I have this feeling that when Rollins takes Avery to talk to Manny tomorrow morning that things aren't going to go well and I just think that having Elia there as support, as someone who is not involved with the case, will help. Avery won't feel like Elia is investigating her or anything like that."

Barba bobbed his head a few times as he considered the request, "The defense might exploit Elia's involvement."

"What can they exploit?" Olivia demanded. "A therapist talking to a traumatized teenage girl who has been brutally gang raped. Tell the court that we went to Elia because it was a transitional care move to prevent Avery from possibly being recognized and harassed by BX9 members in public. Tell them that we felt that it was the safest option for Avery while we arranged care for her."

"I'll talk to Elia about it," he said quietly. "I'll let you know in the morning."

"Good, Rollins is taking Avery to see Manny at nine. Can you let me know by noon?"

Barba swiftly agreed as he stepped out of the elevator and left the building. Within an hour, he was at the Brownstone and in the kitchen pouring himself a tumbler of scotch. Rubbing the back of his neck, he loosened his tie and sat down on the couch. Turning the TV on, he went to the news channel and watched as some middle aged man in a horribly cut blue suit talked about the economic market.

The whole topic was depressing to watch, but he waited until the weather report for the week came before shutting the television off. Standing, he almost turned to leave the living room and find something to eat when a manila envelope wedged between two cushions caught his eye. It was barely visible, but he pulled it out halfway and saw that Elia's name was on the front of it. Curious to know what was inside, Barba debated with himself for a full minute before deciding that he had to know what it was. The afternoon when he'd told her about wanting children, he'd seen her with an envelope just like the one in his hands.

What could be inside that was so grave?

What had caused such a shift in her that day?

Standing up, Barba pulled up the couch cushion and found several manila envelopes tucked underneath. He pulled them out and he didn't care if he invaded Elia's privacy. His mind raced back to the night that she'd waited up for him and he wondered if this had been exactly what she wanted to talk to him about. Opening the first envelope, he froze seeing the pictures of her. In each one, she was oblivious to the fact that she was being photographed. A letter was inside the envelope and scanning it, he realized that it was not a love letter, but a letter from a stalker.

Quickly, Barba tore into each envelope and felt his anger rise. He wasn't certain who he was more furious with. Elia, for not telling him about this or Charles McGregor, for being a sick bastard and threatening his wife. The longer he looked at the pages, the angrier he became. She'd been angry at him for hiding his fears and she was hiding this from him? He told himself that she was probably frightened, but Barba found that he didn't care. She'd judged him, raged at him, she shut him out, and he felt all the patience that he kept telling himself to practice around her fade.

He'd tried following Abuelita's advice and things had gotten better, but Barba found that he didn't want to be the only one trying anymore. He couldn't keep living in a constant state of fighting with Elia and this, this was the damning truth before him. She didn't trust him and all the work that he'd been putting into trying to make his marriage work had been for nothing. Barba doubted that she'd even tell him if she'd been given a chance.

How could they be in a relationship when trust didn't exist?

She didn't trust him. He didn't trust her to be honest. Running a hand through his hair, Barba swung around when he heard the front door open. Heels were taken off, her coat was slipped off and she moved towards him through the archway between the hallway and the living room. Elia froze with wide eyes as she looked at what he was holding.

"Where'd you get that?" she breathed, worry etched across her face.

"I think you forgot it under a couch cushion," Barba spat as his anger boiled over. He slipped one of his hands into his pocket and couldn't contain himself. "Why didn't you tell about this? Is this all that the bastard has sent you?"

"That's all," she answered truthfully as she walked through the living room and sat down in one of the chairs at the end of the table. Barba glared at her, feeling heat rising in his body. She brushed the whole thing off casually as if they were talking about the weather and it infuriated him even more.

"And you didn't think that you should tell me the first time he wrote the letter?" he demanded angrily as he walked towards her, the manila envelopes and their contents in his hand. "After all your righteous anger about me not tell you about my own fears? You've held that against me and you've been hiding this the whole time?"

"It's not the same and you know it," she said snarled back.

"It's exactly the same!" he shouted as he angrily tossed the envelopes on the kitchen table. The pictures and the letters slide across the polished wood and Elia shakily leaned back in the chair. She felt lightheaded and ill, but she shook her head at him.

"I didn't lie for seven years. It's only been a few months. If you wanna compare sins, mine isn't as horrible as yours," she accused cruelly with a sneer.

"It will always come back to that, won't it?" Barba demanded hotly. "You can't forgive me and you can't trust me!"

"I don't know how! I can't just wake up one morning and decide to do it."

"I said I was sorry! I've tried to make amends. I've tried to be a better husband to you—"

"I never asked you to do any of that! I didn't ask you to do that, you chose to do that. What? Do you think that if you do a few loads of laundry and kiss my cheek that I'll just forget that you lied?" she asked with a frustrated expression on her face.

"The man threatened you!" Barba yelled. "It doesn't matter if you're angry at me, you should have said something! He could have come after Abuelita and what then, Elia? What if he comes after you?"

"He won't," she defended.

"In a matter of weeks, he's gone from writing a pathetic love letter to threatening to kill you. Didn't you think that it was important to tell me? You told me that you couldn't trust me. How the hell can I trust you?"

"Rafael—"

"You're a damn hypocrite, Elia, the biggest one that I know. Maybe…maybe you're right," Barba said quietly as he sat down at the opposite end of the table. "Maybe we can't past this because I can't measure up to the damn near impossible standards that you have. I can't try and fix this because you won't let me in. You don't want to talk. You want to punish me for what I've done and keep your secrets. I can't live like that. How can I trust you and how can you trust me? You don't trust me after what happened and I don't trust that you really want to stay with me. You should call that lawyer you had retained earlier. Maybe divorce is our only choice. God knows that I've tried and that just isn't enough anymore. Call one of the SVU detectives in the morning about your problem, Elia. The last thing that I want to do is identify your body in a morgue downtown and plan a funeral."

Elia couldn't stop the tears that fell down her cheeks. She didn't know what to tell him. She couldn't speak. Barba twisted the silver wedding band on his finger for a minute, but he left it on. He stood up and left her alone in the dining room and she sat still for a moment. She watched as Barba crossed the living room and disappeared.

* * *

 _March 18, 2015…_

Elia sat in the chair next to Fin's desk and she knew that she looked like hell. Between the morning sickness and being up all night crying in the laundry room because she'd refused to go upstairs where Barba could hear her, she was a mess. It was her day off and she'd decided that she'd follow Rafael's advice and go to the police. Fin was the person she was most comfortable with and she'd gone to him knowing that he'd be understanding and keep what was happening private.

Giving her statement had taken most of the morning and she'd brought the manila envelopes that Charles McGregor had left for her. She didn't want them in the house anymore. She couldn't look at them because they represented every horrible truth that she'd buried deep down.

Barba was right about her.

She was a hypocrite for lying to him about Charles when she was demanding nothing but his complete honesty. It was a double standard and she was deeply aware of her faults. The whole situation had been eating at her all night and she hadn't been able to sleep from the thoughts swirling around in her head.

"What convinced you to finally come in?" Fin asked with a slight frown on his face.

"Rafael found out about."

"You do know that there isn't much I can do. This stalker hasn't actually done anything physical to warrant a restraining order."

"I know, Fin," she said quietly. "I know."

He tossed the pen on the desk and leaned back in the chair, "You wanna tell me why you look tired as hell?"

"You don't look too good yourself."

"Long night with BX9 gang members, what's your excuse?"

"Crying in my laundry room because my marriage is finally beyond repair," Elia said as she propped her head up on the desk with her elbow and rested her fist under her jaw.

"There's no shame in admitting that it doesn't work. You and him tried to make it work. It just wasn't meant to be."

"When I was a little girl, I used to think that love was the only that a marriage needed, but it's just the framework. A marriage is a conversation and I don't want to stop the conversation with him. He's my best friend, Fin. He's…he's everything to me and it's just…I feel like I'm ripping my heart out of my chest and pouring acid inside me. All of this is happening because of stupid things."

Before Fin could reply, Olivia walked towards them with a slight frown on her face.

"Barba didn't tell me that you'd be here," she said as she came to stop in front of the desk. "He told me he'd call if you agreed."

"Agreed?" Elia asked with a confused expression on her face. "I'm lost, Olivia."

"Talking to Avery?"

Elia arched a brow at the newly minted Sergeant and Olivia quickly filled her in on what was happening. She told Elia about Manny's refusal to testify and brought her up to speed with everything that had happened to Avery. Roped into speaking with Avery, Elia nodded at Fin and he closed the file that he'd put together for her. Following Olivia towards her office, Elia paused when she spotted Barba walking into the precinct. His phone was pressed against his ear and he was barking out orders to one the interns that he had. He didn't even see her and it stung. It stung in ways that Elia didn't even know that could sting. Olivia called her name and Elia turned and looked at her, telling herself to focus.

"She's in my office," Olivia said. "I'll give you both all the time that you need. I have a meeting with Avery's parents and Barba."

Elia nodded before she knocked on the door to the office and heard a soft voice call out for her to enter. Opening the door, she slipped inside and smiled at the young girl.

"Hello, Avery. I'm Elia," she said softly to the young girl who was curled up on the couch, clearly distressed and crying. "Detective Benson said that she told you about me yesterday. She arranged for us to speak here privately. Nothing you say here leaves this room."

Avery gave a curt nod and pressed the tissue to her nose.

"She also told me that you went and saw Manny today," Elia continued. "I know that it probably wasn't an easy visit."

"Something is wrong with me," Avery said tearfully as she hugged a pillow to her chest. "Something is very wrong with me. Manny knows that and he won't testify in court about what they did to me."

"May I sit down?" Elia asked, gesturing to the other side of the couch. Avery nodded and wiped away her tears with the wadded up tissue. Slipping off her winter jacket, Elia sat down on the couch and tucked her legs under to mirror a more relaxed position in the hopes that it would let Avery see her as less threatening.

"Why do you think that there's something wrong with you?" Elia asked again.

"God, I didn't want it to happen, but everything…my body wouldn't stop shaking. Detective Benson said that I had normal physiological response, but I hate myself. I'm disgusting! Manny watched the whole thing and it's never happened with him and I love him."

"There is nothing wrong with your body, Avery. Just because you love someone does not mean that you will experience and orgasm every time. It's a reflex, Avery," she explained calmly. "It's like sneezing because you smell someone with too much perfume or being startled when you hear a loud noise. It's a reflex that happens. You can't control it sometimes. It doesn't mean that you're disgusting or that you enjoyed. What happened to you was not consensual and it wasn't desired. It was just a response that your body had."

"It never happened with Manny," she cried. "I love him and it has never happened with him."

"You know, I'm married, Avery. I love my husband, but it doesn't always happen with him," Elia admitted and swallowed hard, knowing that Barba was close by. "Sex is not the same like Hollywood would have people believe, Avery. Sex is not always simple and it's difficult sometimes. There are many women who are with a partner that they love and don't experience an orgasm. Just because it didn't happen with Manny doesn't mean to there is something wrong with you. It happens as a reflex to stimulation regardless of what we want. What happened to you was a reflex and you didn't want to happen, but like sneezing when someone has too much perfume on, you couldn't stop it. You're not disgusting. You're human and while our bodies are capable of amazing things, they don't always cooperate with our minds."

Avery nodded, but Elia doubted that she believed anything that she said.

"You can talk about anything you want. We can begin to work through this," Elia told her. "This time that Benson gave us, it's your time, Avery. We can talk about whatever you want. You can talk, I'll listen. I won't say a word, if that's what you want. In fact, we don't have to talk at all, but I want you to know that no matter what happens, there is nothing wrong with you."

Avery nodded again and hugged the pillow tightly to her chest. The young girl looked terrified and she began to cry, telling Elia that her parents blamed Manny for what had happened. Avery's words were came out so quick that Elia had a hard time keeping up. At the end of their time, Elia quietly pulled Olivia aside. She didn't break confidentiality, but Elia recommended to Olivia that Avery be admitted to a hospital quickly and quietly. The last thing anyone wanted was for a Romeo and Juliet senerio playing out between Manny and Avery should something trigger either teen.

* * *

 _March 21, 2015…_

Elia panted as she stopped outside the brownstone. She'd gone running, but her mind didn't feel the pleasant release that she experienced afterward. She griped the black wrought iron fencing that protected the bushes around the porch. Leaning over slightly, she listened to Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell coming through the ear buds.

… _Remember the day I set you free! I told you. You could always count on me, darling. From that day on, I made a vow. I'll be there when you want me, some way, somehow. Oh, baby there ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you, babe. Oh no, darling! No wind, no rain…_

Yanking the ear buds out, Elia stood up straight and sat down on the steps of the porch.

Manny was dead, Avery was inconsolable, but the case would go to trial and justice would be done. Both had different options, but the outcome was too horrific for words. Two lives were destroyed and Elia wondered how long it would take Avery to get over her loss. In her mind, Manny had died thinking that she didn't love him. No matter how much those around her had tried to convince her that Manny knew that she loved him, Avery wouldn't listen. Her parents had taken her to the hospital and she was currently on suicide watch in a private room where she'd be able to process and grieve over her loss.

Elia tried to focus on Manny and Avery, but none of those thoughts could ease the anxiety that she felt inside. Rossi's words in her head about options kept coming back and she wondered if it would be best to just go with one of those options. It was an ironic situation, she thought as she entered the house and walked up the steps to the master bathroom and turned the shower on.

Everyone had options and made their own choices even if it meant horrible consequences. Manny had loved Avery enough to testify and ultimately died for her. That had been his choice and Avery had chosen to love him, despite everything that had happened. Two people who loved each other passionately, but Elia couldn't help but to wonder if love was enough to sustain a union. A person needed more than just love to live. They needed support, trust, communication…

Standing under the hot water, Elia closed her eyes. She felt foolish for not telling Rafael about Charles McGregor from the very start. She wanted to blame him for her actions, she realized painfully. She wanted to say that she'd grown so used to him being preoccupied with other matters that he'd brush the whole matter off, but it sounded like a hollow excuse to her. No, the real reason that she hadn't gone to him wasn't because it was his fault.

It was her fault.

She'd closed herself off from him and he couldn't be blamed for that. It took two people to make a relationship work and the faults and burdens were divided equally between them. He drifted away and she'd closed herself off from him. She couldn't pin point when it had happened, but it had. There was no point in placing blame. That was a truth that Rafael had already realized and accepted. In the past, she may have realized it, but until that moment she hadn't accepted it.

Accepting that truth, Elia could see that the gestures he had made weren't apologizes. He'd already given that to her repeatedly. Instead, the laundry, greeting her and Abueltia, coming home on time…those things were laying a foundation for a bridge of trust. A bridge that was meant to form between them and by hiding the truth about Charles, she'd taken a sledge hammer to the work that he'd accomplished. Rafael had done his best to make it easier for her to open up to him and instead of using those opportunities, she'd let them float by without care. She'd had plenty of moments to show him, to confide in him what was happening and she hadn't. The tables were reversed and she couldn't help but to wonder if he'd felt as hopeless as she did keeping his fears to himself.

All the anger that she'd felt towards him left her and it was replaced by something else entirely. Elia felt the overwhelming urge to hug him. He'd punished himself for years over a false idea. Putting herself in his position, she could only imagine the fear he felt in the unknown. Her anger was justified, but when he needed to talk about the situation and how he felt, she'd shut down. Instead of showing love and support, she thrown her feelings of distrust in his face and had been angry. Worse, she was a hypocrite. She'd accused him of hiding secrets when she'd been hiding her own. She'd judged him so harshly and never in her life had she felt more ashamed.

Now, the situation was worse and she didn't know how to fix it. Their marriage probably would never be fixed and Elia swallowed the hard lump forming in her chest. Her hand drifted over her body before coming to rest on her lower abdomen. She'd wanted a child for so long, she'd fixated on it and grown resentful of others, but she hadn't seen the situation of her marriage like she was seeing the situation now.

Was it right to have a child?

She thought about Rossi's options and her vision blurred with tears. Everything was wrong and having a child wouldn't fix what was wrong between them. In fact, Elia imagined it might do the opposite. Even though Rafael had said that he did want children after he told her otherwise, Elia imagined that now he'd feel trapped after finally caving into her earlier demands. He'd wanted to contact the divorce lawyer again and a baby would only make him feel obligated to stay. Moving her hand away from her abdomen, she rubbed the back of her neck. Every muscle in her body felt tense and she felt so shaky. Her mind was so muddled that no thoughts seemed to make sense. It felt like everything was wrong and nothing was right.

Maybe it was best that she have a termination…

A child would only complicate an already complex situation, but she couldn't decide this on her own. After everything that had happened, she couldn't hurt Rafael and keep him in the dark. Lying about Charles McGregor had sent him off the deep end, Elia could only imagine what he'd say or do if she attempted to hide a pregnancy. In fact, she didn't want to keep him in the dark or try to hide anything from him. For the first time in a very long time, she didn't want to feel alone. She didn't want to feel like she was facing the world alone.

Turning off the water, Elia dried herself and changed into comfortable lounge clothes. She'd call the doctor's office in the morning and make an appointment, but she had to tell him. The urge was overwhelming. There could be no more secrets between them. Elia would tell him that she thought that a termination was the best solution. She didn't know what she'd say afterwards. She didn't even know if Rafael would care or say anything after. French braiding her hair and securing it, Elia crept out of the bedroom and down to Abuelita's rooms. Cracking the door open and glancing in, she spotted the old woman asleep in bed and closed the door.

Letting out a sigh, she considered it a good thing that Abuelita wouldn't hear their conversation. The old woman was devoted to the Catholic faith and Elia could only imagine the hell storm the woman would create if she found out what they'd be talking about. Abuelita would call the pregnancy a blessing, Elia would call it poorly timed sex, and she didn't know what Rafael would call it. Elia passed the cat sleeping in the small nook near the door directly below a heater and shook her head.

Going to Barba's home office she knocked before opening the door. He looked up at her briefly before looking back down at the pile of papers that were spread out in front of him. He didn't say anything and she could feel the anger radiating off of him. Any courage that she'd built up left her as she stood in the middle of the room, hoping that he'd do something, anything. She didn't feel like she had the strength to tell him that she thought that getting an abortion was the best option for them. It had all seemed so logical upstairs in the shower. Now that she was actually prepared to tell him, the ability to speak didn't seem in her grasps.

She didn't want to utter the words aloud because a part of her desperately wanted to have a child and the other part of her said that she was going down a very complex road if she continued with the pregnancy that would led to long term emotional hurt and heartbreak. Everything seemed so impossible that she didn't know what to do and she recognized that being married to someone meant that it was alright to lean on them during the times of uncertainty and she need Rafael more than she realized.

Rafael looked up and cleared his throat, "Elia, I don't—"

"I'm pregnant," she interrupted as she hugged herself. "I, uh, I must crazy to say this, but I think that it would be best to have a termination, Rafael. We talking about dissolving our marriage and I don't see how having a child together is a good idea. You said that I don't talk to you, but this is me talking. This is my trusting and hoping to God that you have some love in your heart left to listen. I'm scared. I don't know what to do and I'm sorry. I know that what I did was wrong and I don't want secrets between us. You're right about not keeping them and we both have. I don't know where we went wrong, but I don't want to bring a child into the world with parents who are stuck in a constant cycle of teetering on the edge. I don't want that and I'm sorry that I lied and hid Charles McGregor from you. I'm so sorry, Raffi, and I hate myself for letting all of this happen. Please, I'm so sorry."

She didn't know what he'd say or do, but Elia hadn't expected her own tears. She hadn't expected to break down in front of him in a way that she hadn't broken down to the point of hyperventilating since the death of her brother. Her words sounded so incoherent to her own ears and she sobbed. Saying again and again how sorry she was for lying and keeping her own secrets. She hadn't kept her secrets for as long as he had, but it was still the same. She felt dizzy and her vision was blurry. Swaying on her feet, Elia hadn't expected his arms to wrap around her and hold her close.

"Take a deep breath, Elia," Barba said as he supported her. She tried to obey, but small black dots began to form and she felt lightheaded. The last thing that she remembered was Barba lowering her to the floor before she passed out.

* * *

 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

 **And Elia has the first panic attack...**

 **This chapter, I didn't send out any previews and I'm so sorry! We have gotten super busy at work and I just didn't have a lot of time to spare. I'm so sorry. I also got distracted by posting a one-shot for Sons of Anarchy. If you're interested, just pop over to my author's page and it's there. Anyways, thank you again to all the lovely people who left a review! I know that there a lots of people reading and I'd love to hear from each and everyone of you:) So leave a quick comment whether it be good, bad, or ugly. Any feedback is always appreciated. It helps to develop a better story and plot.**

 **I know that this whole fighting between Barba and Elia may feel old, but next chapter will be different. Barba knows that she's pregnant now and he knows about the stalker...more is will be on the way soon!**

 **Thanks for reading!**

* * *

 **Responses:**

Hannah Guest: Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!

Guest #1: Thank you so much for the review! I'm so happy that you like Elia. A big goal of mine was trying to fit her as easily into the world of Law and Order and I'm so glad that she meets your approval. You're right, it does take time to fix things, but I think that we are at a turning point for Elia and Rafael where they have to really focus and think not just about themselves, but about their future and what they want and need from each other. And you're so right! Honesty is a huge thing and Barba was really all about that this round. More is on the way!

Guest #2: Thanks for the review! YES! A BARBA BABY!

HannahRose: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so happy that you're enjoying the story. Hearing that you've been able to connect with Elia and Barba warms my heart so much because I really do think that you're right. I did set out on this journey hoping to create a marriage that wasn't perfect and had flaws with characters that are real. I've read so many stories where characters just don't seem human. I'm glad that both characters have achieved that human aspect that I was hoping to develop. I've enjoyed getting to write about Barba and Elia because they've become three dimensional characters with their own range of emotions. It's been so much fun getting to know each them better and I hope that you continue to enjoy their journey!


	12. XI: Hurts Like Hell

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank you to all who left a review! You guys are amazing as always! Again, some material that you recognize in this chapter is directly taken from the show including cases, dialogue, and situations. I own nothing and make no profit from the story. Thank you again to all who left a review!**

 **ALL ERRORS ARE MY I OWN! I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE!**

 **Thanks,**

 **H4TH**

* * *

15x15

 **Part XI**

"… _I don't want them to know the secrets  
I don't want them to know the way I loved you  
I don't think they'd understand it, no  
I don't think they would accept me, no_

 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _And it hurts like hell_  
 _Yeah it hurts like hell_

 _Dreams fight with machines_  
 _Inside my head like adversaries_  
 _Come wrestle me free_  
 _Clean from the war_

 _Your heart fits like a key_  
 _Into the lock on the wall_  
 _I turn it over, I turn it over_  
 _But I can't escape_  
 _I turn it over, I turn it over_

 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _And it hurts like hell…"_

~ "Hurts Like Hell" – Fleurie

 _March 22, 2015…_

It was late Saturday or early Sunday depending on how one looked at the clock.

Elia sat at the island in the kitchen with her hands wrapped around a mug of hot black and ginger tea. She felt sick to her stomach and her body felt drained. Barba sat next to her. She could feel his eyes on her as she took small sips of the tea that he'd warmed up. It helped, she admitted to herself. The tea had been his idea after she'd told him that she felt sick.

In truth, his reaction hadn't been what she'd expected. Waking up on the floor had been far more embarrassing than she'd ever imagined, but Rafael hadn't looked angry like she'd thought he would. No, he'd been worried. She'd seen it in his eyes and he'd been speaking to her rapidly in Spanish when she'd opened her eyes. He'd wanted to know how much she'd eaten at dinner and when the last time she'd had something to drink was.

Somehow, she'd gotten up and he guided her to the kitchen where he'd made ginger tea. He'd told her that it would settle her stomach. She would have fought him on just letting her go and lie down, but she didn't have the strength to protest. Taking the last sip of the tea, she found the queasy feeling that she'd been experiencing dissipating slowly. Resting her hands in her laps, she cleared her throat and wrapped the sweater that she was wearing around her frame.

"The envelopes were under the couch cushions because I panicked," she said softly. "The one night you came home late, I had planned to tell you about everything and I just couldn't for some reason. I didn't know what to say and I panicked."

Barba nodded and took away her empty mug. She felt so tired, but she had to have this conversation with him. He put the mug in the dishwasher before returning to sit down next to her. Any anger that he'd had earlier had gone and he was calm. Elia supposed that was what freaked her out the most…how calm Rafael was being, but she also realized that she was carrying more than enough anxiety for the both of them.

"I also knew that I was pregnant that night and I froze. I've been thinking that maybe we shouldn't do it," she whispered. "I'm horrible for saying it, but you told me that you wanted to go back to the divorce lawyer, Rafael. We can't…it would be a mistake to have a child together and I…I don't know what to do."

The panicked feeling from earlier was rising in her chest again and she held her hand to her mouth, trying not to sob aloud or make any noise.

"It's okay," he said softly, his warm hand resting on the center of her back. "Why don't we just go upstairs and get some sleep. You're exhausted. You just passed out, Elia. Let's not make a life altering decision at one o'clock in the morning. Some sleep with help you think clearly."

"I am thinking clearly!" she snapped, suddenly feeling annoyed with him and she almost burst into tears. "I'm thinking about the future and I don't see how this works out well for anyone involved."

"Elia, whatever you decide to do I will support you. If want to continue the pregnancy or you want to have an abortion, I will support you," Rafael told her, covering her cold hands with his. "All I'm saying is that we can talk about this in the morning. You need to get some sleep. You have to think about the—"

"Please don't say another word," Elia said, her voice trembling. "Don't say that word that you're going to say."

"Okay. I won't say that. I'll just say that it's late and some sleep will make you feel better," he said carefully. "I just want you to promise me that you'll call the doctor's office in the morning and make an appointment. You passed out after having a panic attack in my arms, Elia."

She nodded tiredly and agreed.

* * *

 _March 23, 2015…_

Barba walked into the precinct, slightly annoyed that Olivia had called him in so early on a Sunday morning. She'd thrown off his morning plans which had included giving some of his workload to his interns so that he could stay with Elia for a few hours in the mornings, but her call had woken him up. He'd done his best to shower and dress as quickly as he could without waking her, but she'd eventually woken up for a few minutes. She'd looked exhausted and mumbled something to him about lumpy pillows before he'd told her to call him when she was actually up and getting ready for the day. He doubted that she actually remembered the brief exchange. Barba had propped a note along with a glass of water on the nightstand before he left.

Her panic attack induced faint had left him feeling slightly uneasy and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to act. Leaving the water had seemed like the right thing to do, he just didn't want Elia to feel pressured or like he was hovering. Standing at the glass window that separated the interrogation room from the hallway, Barba felt his annoyance grow as he listened to Fin talk with the frightened guy.

"College idiots," he pronounced before turning away.

"They did heckle Renee. They knew that she was a survivor and an activist on campus. They targeted her."

"I can ask for a temporary restraining order, but maybe she should change dorms."

"Ah, it's the victim that should change her life?" Olivia announced as he took his phone out. Elia hadn't texted him back to say if she was up or not and he was hesitant to text her. She'd promised that she'd let him know when she was awake before she called her doctor's office to report what had happened and ask if she needed to be checked out. Stuffing the phone away, Barba told himself that Elia's decision to have a termination was a knee jerk reaction. She'd promised that she'd talk to the doctor and gather more information before making a decision and he suspected that once Elia wasn't so high strung with anxiety and worry, she'd change her mind.

"What about Galloway?" Olivia demanded as Barba grabbed his jacket from her office.

"Gallo-who?" he asked with a frown as he shrugged it on.

"Josh Galloway, the comic. He's kind of a big deal, one of those snarky cable TV hosts," Rollins explained. "One of people magazine's most eligible comedians, you know."

"No, I don't," Barba said drily. "Wait, now, hold up. This guy assaulted Renee too?"

"No, but he did verbally assault her. He incited those boys," Olivia told him as she stuffed her hands in her pockets.

"He made some jokes about how funny it would be if she were gang raped," Rollins added.

Looking between Olivia and Rollins, Barba arched a brow.

"You have heard of free speech, right? You pulled me out of bed before seven in the morning on a Sunday for this?" he snapped. "I cannot charge a guy with bad joke telling as much as you want me to."

"What about hate speech?" Olivia pressed with a determined look on her face. "I mean, he's basically advocating rape. Sean and Chad heard his act and then they followed her out. That makes Galloway an accessory. If I know a guy with a gun and tell him that I want my husband dead…"

"False equivalency," he said. "You'd have to prove his intent. Okay, are there any other charges against this guy? Harassment? Assault?"

"Nothing on record, but we can do some digging," Rollins murmured, looking at Olivia expectantly.

"Why don't we go to him first? We'll tell him that the girl that he dragged up on stage and humiliated was assaulted by two of his fans."

Olivia and Rollins both looked at him expectantly and Barba rolled his eyes, "Do what you have to do, just don't ever pull me out of bed this early on a Sunday for a so-so case again, alright?"

Before either woman could say anything, Barba felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Quickly pulling it out, he scanned Elia's text.

 _Abuelita and I will meet you at church?_

Barba quickly texted back that he'd see them there, but sent a second message asking if she was sure that she was up to attending so soon. Her response was instantaneous and he almost smirked. She told him that it would be sitting and if she fell asleep, to make it look like she was deep in prayer or something holy like that.

"You know that this guy has another show?" Olivia continued. "Maybe we'll go to that as well."

Barba left without another word. He managed to make it to church on time and easily found Abuelita and Elia sitting in their usual spot. Taking off his dress coat, he sat down and Elia looked at him with a tried expression on her face and Barba decided that he'd suggest a nap after Abuelita's lunch. God knew that he wasn't as tired as she looked, but he could use a reprieve from the land of the waking.

* * *

 _March 27, 2015…_

It was late Thursday afternoon when Olivia and Amaro showed up at his offices with a knock on his door.

Seeing the grim expression on Olivia's face, Barba nearly groaned because he didn't want to hear what she was going to say. He had a feeling that she was going to be trapping him and he wouldn't be leaving on time like he wanted to. He wanted to get home and soon. Elia had texted him saying that she'd gone to the doctor's appointment that had been scheduled. He'd sat on the bed and listened to the whole conversation Monday morning when she'd called to arrange the visit and he wanted all the details. She'd gone after lunch, but court had been busy all day and he'd barely had a moment to breathe, let alone call her and ask. Barba told himself that it was probably better to have the conversation in person. He could sit down with her and if she began to get upset, he could try to calm her down. Sitting down at the circular table in his office, he invited the detectives to sit down. He let Olivia speak for nearly ten minutes before he interrupted.

"Oh, great, it isn't just grey," he snarked, leaning back in the chair. "It's satyagraha grey."

"Do I want to even know what that is?" Amaro asked with a confused look on his face.

"It's the color of my kitchen."

"Look, Barba, it's pretty black and white to me," Olivia interjected standing up from where she'd been sitting. "Have you seen the clips from Galloway's acts?"

"A comic who makes rape jokes is not the same as a rapist," Barba insisted, ignoring her question as he crossed his legs and clasped his hands together. He wasn't even going to take notes because there wasn't a case to be made. "Do you have anything more concrete?"

"We're waiting on Carly's rape kit, but preliminary findings showed forceful anal penetration with bruising, tearing, and swelling," Olivia continued, tightly gripping the back of the chair that she'd been sitting in moments prior. She looked annoyed with him and Barba kept himself from assuring her that the feeling was mutual. He was tired of hearing about Josh Galloway. The guy was a scumbag, but the evidence wasn't there to get a conviction.

"And Carly didn't realize that she was raped until this Galloway made fun of her in his monologue?"

"It wasn't a monologue," Olivia snapped, frustration clear on her face. "It was a confession, Barba."

"Maybe to you, but to him, it is his act. If we go after him based on his stand up routine, he is going to claim that he's being persecuted for free speech," he argued as his phone buzzed, signaling a call and he fished it out of his pocket. "He may not be entirely wrong."

He missed Elia's call and set the phone down, knowing that she'd either leave a voice mail or call again.

"This guy is a classic, power-assertive rapist. He takes home, what?" Olivia said looking to Amaro for support. "Ten girls a month and eight say yes, two say no. This is a pattern! We should pick him up."

"No immediate outcry, fuzzy memory, she spent the night," Barba countered, being to feel frustrated. He had things to do and arguing with SVU wasn't one of them. "I take it that you haven't found any other victims?"

"He gives post-sex swag bags," Nick interjected calmly. "Get us a warrant for his financials and we might be able to track down more victims that way."

"If I wanted to be laughed at to my face, Amaro, I'd go home and try to beat for my wife, mother, and grandmother at euchre," Barba snapped back. "I wouldn't go before a judge and ask for a warrant that is, at best, a far reach. No judge would ever grant it that warrant. Find me another victim and then we can talk again, but not before."

Before Barba could say anything else, his phone rang. Elia's face and number appeared and he quickly answered it. Sanding up from the table, he walked towards the windows and looked out at the street and people below that seemed to look so small.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm on my way home," he told her quickly. "Benson and Amaro are at my office, but we're almost finished here. I'll be home in time for dinner. Just tell Abuelita that I'll be there as soon as I can."

The sniffle at the other end of the line caused him to pause and he froze. His spine stiffened and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up as his heart dropped in his chest.

"Can you come to the doctor's office, please," Elia said in a small voice that he barely heard as she choked on tears. "I-I-I need you."

* * *

Elia sat still on the table feeling numb. Dressed in only a gown with an IV in her arm, she didn't care that the room was icy cold. Rossi had already begun the paperwork to admit her to the hospital and she supposed that it was a good thing that Rossi's office was inside New York Presbyterian. The past two hours felt like something out of a dream and she prayed to God silently that she'd wake up. Closing her eyes Elia replayed everything over in her head…

 _...Rossi had listened patiently as she explained about the fainting spell and the panic attack that she'd had. The doctor made notes on her laptop and asked plenty of questions that forced Elia to think about from what how much she'd had to drink that day to how far she'd gone running before the incident. They were all questions that Rafael had asked her, but she could hardly remember the answers and wished he was there to help her with some of the details that she couldn't quite piece together._

" _And you've never had a panic attack before?"_

" _The last time I had one was when my brother died," Elia said, her nails digging into the edge of the exam table. "I must have been…I don't know…my husband is seven years older than me. He was twenty-five when Emilio died from a drug overdose. I was eighteen, nearly nineteen."_

" _Do you remember what triggered that panic attack?"_

" _Walking into my brother's apartment and finding his body," Elia said, the familiar feelings associated with that memory creeping under her skin. "He was cold when I found him. I remember touching his neck to find a pulse, but he was like ice and he was blue. I screamed and Rafael was there. He and Emilio had been planning to have drinks for the night."_

 _Rossi made her notes before standing up and doing a head to toe assessment. She looked at Elia's ears to make sure that there wasn't an infection or anything of that nature that could cause dizziness. She listened to her heart and lungs before checking her pulses and her reflexes. There was only slightly pain in her abdomen when Rossi palpated and Elia explained that she'd had a backache since Tuesday. Guilty, she realized that she hadn't told Rafael about the dull back pain. It hadn't really occurred to her to do so._

 _The older woman had been calm and after doing a preliminary exam, Rossi had wanted to do a second ultrasound. Elia had frowned, but Rossi had simply smiled._

" _With your history, Elia, I want to do a scan every visit just to make sure that the fibroids aren't causing complications and if they might, I want us to be able to get ahead of it," Rossi explained. "You have no reason to be worried. Just try and relax. Being anxious constantly is going to raise your stress levels and that's not good for your health or your baby's health."_

 _Rossi's response had been logical and she hadn't been able to argue with it. Reluctantly, she'd gone ahead with the ultrasound. A tech had come into the exam room and dimmed the lights. The first few minutes felt routine, but the tech's face changed shortly into the procedure. After several minutes, the girl excused herself, leaving Elia alone for several agonizing minutes. Each moment that passed, Elia felt her anxiety build and all she wanted was Rafael. Rossi had returned and smiled at her, but Elia didn't feel comfortable. Instead, a rising feeling of panic bloomed in her chest and it felt difficult to breathe. Rossi moved the transducer over her lower abdomen for several minutes before putting it down and helping Elia to clean herself up._

" _Why don't we do a vaginal ultrasound again?" Rossi said with an unreadable expression on her face. "It'll give us a better picture."_

 _In that moment, Elia felt that whatever news was coming wasn't good. Left alone, Elia changed into a cloth gown and drapped a white sheet over her lap before Rossi returned. The woman assisted her into the stirrups and lying flat on her back, Elia winced as the probe invaded her. Lying still, she couldn't bring herself to lift her head and look at Rossi. Not only would it hurt, but she wanted live in denial of what she suspected was happening. A horrible feeling was growing and fear was working its way into her heart._

 _After several minutes, Rossi removed the probe and helped Elia to sit up and collapsed the stirrups. A picture was frozen on the screen of the machine and a second picture was frozen next to it. Different dates were at the corners and Elia swallowed hard. Rossi moved the machine so that they could both look at the screen._

" _The picture on the left is the first picture that we took when we confirmed that you were pregnant, Elia," Rossi said gently. "The picture on the right is from today. There isn't a viable heartbeat, Elia, and there has been no development. The placenta has begun to develop, but the baby hasn't grown or developed like it should be. By eight weeks, we should see development of a nose and upper lip, the baby should be about the size of a jelly bean, but that growth hasn't happened. The scan looks like the baby is still about the size of a pea. We call what has happened a missed miscarriage, Elia. Your body hasn't recognized that the baby has stopped developing and that's why you're still having symptoms of pregnancy."_

" _But I'm not pregnant," Elia choked out._

 _"You're not pregnant," Rossi agreed. "You're body has just failed to recognize that the fetus has—"_

" _You can just say that it is dead," she blurted out. "Telling me that it has stopped developing is sugar coating and I really don't want sugar coating today. Can I please call my husband?"_

 _Rossi nodded and told her that she'd send in a nurse to help her…_

There was a knock on the door and it opened. Seeing Rafael's face, all the restraint that Elia had been using to keep a tight control on her emotions broke and tears filled her eyes as her face crumbled. He closed the door behind him and moved to her. He wrapped his arms around her and she closed her eyes. Silently, she let tears fall down her face. He said nothing, but pressed kisses to her head and held her tightly against him. There was another knock on the door and Rossi quietly entered. She quickly introduced herself to Barba before explaining again what had happened.

"I've already advised Elia, Mr. Barba, that I think that it would be best to admit her to the hospital. We can do a D&C to terminate the pregnancy and we can go ahead and remove the fibroids. We'll only be doing the procedure a few weeks early, but it will be better to just do them at the same time," Rossi explained. "By doing the myomectomy now, it will give us a better picture of the situation and with the expanded uterus, we may also be able to spot other fibroids that may have been missed on other scans."

Elia sat on the table and tuned out the conversation. The world around her faded and she closed her eyes. This was her doing. God, she'd wanted to terminate the pregnancy and to her, it had been her only solution. Her breathing felt like it was becoming shallower by the moment and she felt like a pressure was on her chest.

"It's my fault," she breathed. "I-I-I-I kept saying that I didn't want this. I-I-I did this."

She couldn't breathe. She could suck air in, but it was trapped inside her. She couldn't breathe out and she gasped sharply over and over again. Black dots began to spot her vision and she could see Barba's lips moving and Doctor Rossi's, but there was nothing to hear. People moved around her, forcing her to lay back on the bed. She couldn't breathe and the panicked feeling that she was experiencing was rapidly spiraling out of control and as soon as it started, it ended.

Elia suddenly blinked, feeling lighter than she'd ever felt before and her whole body seemed to mimic the lightness that she felt. She started up at the ceiling, and she thought that she felt a hand running through her hair slowly. Words were being said, but they seemed so far away that she couldn't understand them. Oxygen was being forced into her lungs and her chest burned, but she didn't feel like she was choking anymore. Her body slowly began to feel like it was being detached from her mind like it was drifting away…or was her mind drifting away from her body? She wasn't sure, but all Elia knew was that the oppressive feelings were gone and the world was being swallowed up around her, replaced by muted noises and bodies moving around the she could barely make out. Railings on either side of her were pulled up and a blanket was pulled over her.

Rafael's face came into view and he looked so sad. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she couldn't. She could barely remember what had just happened, but something had caused him to look so sad and the thought struck her in the next heartbeat.

She'd lost her baby…a baby that was as much his as it was hers.

Every part of her felt heavy and she fought the overwhelming urge to close her eyes, but it was a losing battle. He spoke to her, but his words seemed far off that she had a hard time understanding him for a few seconds before her brain finally registered what he'd said.

… _Just close your eyes, everything is going to be alright, Elia…_

Losing the battle, she closed her eyes and let the light feeling sweep her away.

* * *

Elia's room was private.

Barba was thankful that Rossi had thought to ask for the room. She was asleep in a hospital bed that looked far too big for her. He doubted that she'd be awake anytime soon. The nurse had explained to him that Rossi had ordered sedatives for Elia. She'd be given them every few hours so that she'd sleep through the night and a third panic attack wouldn't occur. The nurse had left the oxygen mask on her and Barba had helped the nurse to slip several absorbent pads and towels under Elia in case her body finally recognized that the child inside her wasn't developing.

Elia's surgery was scheduled for late the next day and even though the nurse had assured him that a sitter would be with his wife all night in case she needed anything, Barba wasn't sure he was ready to leave. He'd have to go home and face Abuelita and he wasn't sure he wanted to tell anyone what had happened. He didn't feel ready to actually say the words aloud. Rossi had explained that it wasn't anyone's fault and Barba didn't blame Elia in any way for what had happened. It was nature, plain and simple. God and nature had acted and nothing either of them could have done would have prevented the silent miscarriage.

Barba had already called his superiors and explained the situation. He'd secured two weeks of time off. Half of it was the vacation days that he'd been piling up and the DA had offered to let him take more days off from his vacation stock pile, but Barba had declined saying that he'd know better in the next couple of days if he'd need to use those days. Running his fingers through her blonde hair, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her the crown of her head. The young aid that looked barely legal looked away and Barba was grateful.

He stayed for several more minutes until he was certain that Elia would be well looked after. The evening nurse gave her Ativan through the IV port in her left hand and told him when her next dose of diazepam. Both drugs worked to keep her relaxed and asleep. After making sure that the night nurse promised to keep up on both medications and pass the information along to the day shift nurse if he wasn't back by seven the next morning, Barba left.

He hailed a taxi to take him to the Brownstone and throughout the drive, he was silent. All he could think about was the screen that the doctor had shown him. The two fuzzy pictures, side by side and the explanation that at some point, his child had simply ceased to live. Elia's body hadn't recognized the death of the fetus and she'd been experiencing all the symptoms of pregnancy, but there wasn't anything there. When they'd been in the process of transferring Elia from the doctor's office to the main hospital, Barba had called Abuelita and told her. He'd done his best to keep his emotions contained, but reality was beginning to set in and he wanted to be home and he wanted to be alone.

After what felt like an eternity, the cab pulled up in front of the Brownstone and he paid. Entering the house, he closed the door behind him and rearmed the security system before slipping off his jacket and loosening his tie. He heard noises in the kitchen and moving down the hallway slowly, Barba stopped when he saw the old woman pulling a casserole out of the oven. She set it on top of the oven and took off the mitts that had protected her hands. She gave him a sad, watery smile, and hugged him. Barba was forced to hunch over slightly to accept her hug, but it felt good to be held by her.

"Hello, Abuelita," he said roughly as a wave of emotion crushed him. He felt like a young boy again, being held by her and protected from the outside world, but she couldn't cure the pain that he was feeling now.

"How is she?" Catalina asked with a trembling voice, hugging him tightly.

"Asleep. The drugs will keep her calm and asleep until tomorrow afternoon," Barba explained, hugging her back. "Did you call Mama?"

"I did," Catalina murmured as she let him go and held his hands. "She wanted to rush over here from the school, but I told her to wait until tomorrow morning. I made something to eat, but I doubt that you're hungry."

Barba nodded, the numbness that he was feeling was beginning to be overpowered by an acute awareness of overwhelming sadness. He hadn't realized until that moment how much he'd wanted Elia to keep the pregnancy. Sure, he'd vowed to support her decision, but it wasn't until now that they'd lost their first child that he realized how much he'd actually wanted to be a father.

He was a father, Barba silently realized as he moved to the sideboard and grabbed a tumbler. Pouring himself a glass of scotch, sat down on a stool at the island. He was the father to a child that would never be born. He was someone's father and the thought hit him hard. Abuelita must have sensed his thoughts because she poured herself a glass of scotch and sat down next to him. She held his hand and he squeezed it gently.

"I'm so sorry, Raffie," she said with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry for this loss. You don't have to be strong in front of me. There's no shame in crying like I know you want to. You've lost a child and no one will ever judge you for mourning that loss."

Barba did little to stop his tears as they came. The scotch did very little to numb the pain. Tomorrow, Elia would need him to be strong, but he knew that on some level, Abuelita was right. He'd lost a child and Elia had as well. They'd lost their first child. Elia was having surgery and she'd been in pain, but tonight, he just couldn't be strong for himself. The tears ran down his cheek as Abuelita sat with him and he closed his eyes, just letting Abuelita be his comfort in that moment.

* * *

Rafael had barely slept the night before and he was exhausted as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Abuelita wasn't awake yet, but he'd promised to wake her up before he left for the hospital. He wouldn't make it to the hospital for seven like he'd planned, but the few hours he'd been able to catch between the hours of three and eight seemed to make up for the failed execution of his original plan.

All night, he'd only been able to think about was how woefully inadequate he felt. He couldn't do anything to help the pain that Elia would be in when she woke up from the surgery. Rafael done enough research to know that both procedures would bring pain and he felt helpless. He could try to comfort Elia, but he couldn't take away the physical or emotional pain that she'd be in. Feeling inadequate and helpless wasn't a situation that Barba found himself in often and he was frustrated, but there was no anger in him. He was frustrated that there seemed to be nothing that he could to help her.

He couldn't hold her hand through surgery, but he was grateful that she'd be asleep for the entire operation. His only consolation was that he'd be there for her when she woke up. He could be there to make sure that the nurses gave her pain medication when she needed it or when it was due. Earlier, Barba had called the home health agency that had been recommended by one of the nurses at Doctor Rossi's office. It was a well to do agency. He'd recognized the name as being one that associated themselves with wealthy clients and provided excellent service to those they cared for.

Barba had already arranged with the agency for a Spanish speaking caregiver to come and help Elia when she was released from the hospital. His wife would be on bed rest for several weeks following the surgery and it would be good to have a caregiver that could be there when he couldn't be. He would be at home for two weeks. After that, he'd return to work, but during the day, Barba refused to allow her to be alone with only Abuelita for help. Having a caregiver seemed like the right thing to do and it would also ease his own anxieties once he resumed work. It would also give Elia a chase to recover her strength without worrying about trivial things like when to take certain medications or how she was going to wash her hair or get down the stairs without falling. Dressed in a long sleeve shirt with dark jeans, Barba was drinking his cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. Annoyed at the early morning interruption, he was surprised to see Olivia on his steps with an annoyed look her face.

"Olivia, come inside," he said tiredly. "I just made coffee."

She followed him to the kitchen, but declined the offer of coffee.

"I just met the new A.D.A handling the Gallloway case," she started with a hard tone. "You're just giving up the case and having it reassigned to someone else who can't tell their ass from their elbow?"

Barba put his mug of coffee down, "Forgive me for not being a crusader of justice like you are. It's a case that isn't going to be won in court. I'm sorry for the girl that it happened to, but you won't win the case in court."

"We have to bring this case to trial! It's the right thing to do. For Carly, for the other victims, you know that it's true."

"Are you sure this isn't about your ego?" Barba demanded. "You're at my house at eight-thirty in the morning talking about a case that I will no longer be a part of in a half-hour. A.D.A Richards is capable. He's not as good as me, but for the next two weeks he'll be working with you and SVU."

Olivia looked confused, "Two weeks? What'd you do? Decide that you need a vacation in the middle of the Galloway investigation?"

Barba restrained himself from snapping. He was tired and Olivia didn't know about what had happened yesterday. He'd left his office, but he hadn't said a word to her or Amaro. It wasn't anyone's business what had happened. God only knew how fragile Elia would be once she came home and what was happening was private. It wasn't anyone's business, but he could trust Olivia. After all, Elia had been running with Olivia on several occasions and he'd feel better if Olivia didn't think he was stepping away because he didn't trust her judgment.

"Elia is in the hospital," Barba said tiredly after a few moments. "She's having surgery this afternoon."

"Is she alright?" Olivia asked, looking genuinely worried as the mood between them shifted instantly.

"She, uh, she's having a D&C and a myomectomy. She went in for a doctor's appointment and the doctor's diagnosis was a silent miscarriage. There was no detectable heartbeat and the baby hadn't developed. Elia's at the hospital now and I was just getting ready to leave before you came."

Olivia somberly gave him her condolences and extracted a promise from him to call her if he or Elia needed anything. Barba agreed, knowing that he probably wouldn't call, but it was a social etiquette that had to be observed. Olivia left a few minutes later after assuring him that their conversation would remain private and he breathed a sigh of relief when he closed the door behind her.

Like he promised, Barba woke Abuelita up before leaving and he managed to make it to the hospital by nine-thirty. When he entered Elia's room, she was still sleeping. She was no longer on her back, but her side. A pillow had been tucked behind her to prevent her from rolling onto her back and a pillow was placed to prevent her head from hitting the upper railing of the bed should she shift in bed. The blankets were wrapped loosely around her and someone had braided her shiny blonde hair. Leaning down over the bed, Barba pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He didn't expect her to wake up and she didn't.

"Did you braid her hair?" he asked the young nursing assistant who was sitting with Elia for the morning. Her badge identified her as Jenna.

"No, the night shift did," Jenna answered in a quiet voice. "I just readjusted her in bed to prevent her from becoming sore. The operating table is really hard and narrow and sleeping on her side with help prevent some soreness later."

Barba nodded, accepting the woman's reasoning. Running his hand over her silky hair, he heard the day nurse come in and the middle aged woman introduced herself as Katherine and quickly explained that Elia's surgery time had been changed. They'd be taking her down earlier than had been scheduled.

"I just need you to sign some paperwork," the nurse murmured to him as she handed him various forms. Logically, Barba understood that because Elia was incapacitated by the drugs, he was the person who signed off on all the documents. Hell, he'd had to explain several times to Amanda Rollins about the legal procedures when they had victims that were of age and needed a parent to authorize and give consent for a rape kit to be performed. It just felt so different to be on the other side of the procedure. The nurse left to retrieve the next dose of Ativan for Elia and he looked over the forms.

A line had been printed with her name beneath it, _Elia Mariana Barba_.

These were documents that she was supposed to read and sign, but he read them and he read them carefully. He'd read plenty of legal documents of the years, but he'd never been more meticulous. When he finally signed his name, it was over an hour later. He could tell that he'd annoyed the nurse by not immediately signing the papers like most people probably did, but he refused to sign something on Elia's behalf without having exact knowledge of what he was signing for. The nurse offered him her pen to sign on the line where her name was supposed to be. Glancing once at Elia's sleeping figure before declining the woman's offer, Barba pulled out his own pen and signed his name.

 _Rafael A. Barba_

* * *

Elia was cold as they pushed her into the operating room. She barely felt awake, but she was aware of bright lights and people around her. They moved her onto the narrow table and she felt her arms being pushed out. Looking to the side, she watched as they slipped a restraint around her wrist and tightened it. The back of her mind, she realized that the purpose was to keep her safe. They worked around her and she felt a doctor fiddle with her IV cord. All she could see was his eyes and she silently wished she could tell him to put her to sleep already. Looking up at the light, Elia closed her eyes as they moved around her…

… _She was standing next to her mother in a black dress. Across from the casket, Rafael stood and she locked eyes with him. Her heart hurt like nothing and looking back down at the closed casket, she realized that she was burying part of her heart today. Emilio was gone and she couldn't get the image of his body hanging from the rope from her head. Elia hadn't been able to sleep the night before because of the dreams, the intense, violating dreams that wouldn't leave her. The comfort she had was the memory of Rafael Barba holding her close. Clinging to him as he'd walked to the bedroom to find Emilio. She could barely remember him walking them back to the kitchen and reaching for the phone to call the police. The whole night had been a blur, but Rafael hadn't let her go._

" _Don't you dare cry," Maria hissed. "His soul died long before his body did."_

" _He loved more in his life than you ever will, Mama," she hissed back, tears falling down her cheeks. The service ended not long after. People turned away from her brother's casket and her father put his hand on her mother's back, guiding her away. Friends and family followed until only Elia stood with Rafael. He moved to stand next to her and she held the single white rose that she'd been given earlier by the priest._

" _I wish this was a dream," she whispered to him tearfully as she rested the rose on the top of the coffin. "I want him back. I want to hug and tell him that I love him."_

" _He was a good man," Barba murmured, his hand coming to rest on the small of her back. "And sometimes, good men are made to be in heaven, not earth. God knows that he's made for angels, not humans."_

" _God has to know that I need him like I need air to breathe."_

" _You're still breathing. God wouldn't take him away and leave you without air."_

 _Elia looked into his green eyes and saw pain there. He loved her brother just like she had. He'd lost someone too. Swallowing hard, she reached out and let her fingertips rest on the polished wood of Emilio's casket._

" _It's not fair," she murmured tearfully. "He deserved so much more."_

" _I know," Barba whispered as he left his hand on her back. She left the rose and turned away, unable to look at the casket as they lowered her brother into the cold, lonely ground. For the second time since Emilio's death, she was grateful that Rafael was at her side. Elia wouldn't have been able to speak with the police the night she'd discovered Emilio if it hadn't been for his presence. Calming wasn't the right word to describe what he made her feel, but all she could think was that with him, she felt safe. Rafael made her feel safe and that was what she needed. That feeling of security was the only reason that she managed to walk away from Emilio's casket and not breakdown like she wanted to. With Rafael, she was protected and if she did need to cry, he wouldn't let anyone hurt her…_

…The sound of someone speaking to her jarred Elia out of the memory and she tiredly looked to see one of the doctors holding a syringe and twisting it to one of the ports of her IV tubing.

"You're gonna feel really sleepy soon, Elia," the man said. "Just relax."

She wanted to tell him that she was so 'relaxed' that she couldn't even feel sad anymore. He pushed the contents of the syringe into the tubing and nearly a minute later, she felt incredibly light. The man's voice sounded far away and a mask was placed over her mouth and nose. Breathing in, Elia felt her body growing heavy and even as she tried to resist closing her eyes, she couldn't. There was no count down, she simply kept breathing in the air until her eyes closed and she fell into blissful unconsciousness where she had nothing to haunt her.

* * *

 **Thank you all so much for the reviews! This was a hard chapter to write for Elia and Barba. I know that many were rooting for a Barba baby and there will be one in the future, but just not yet. I do hope that this doesn't prevent anyone from continuing to read this story. I have plans for Elia and Barba. The loss of a child doesn't always mean things end and a couple splits up. I feel like this is only something that will make them both stronger. Somehow, this is their rock bottom and things will be getting better in the coming chapters. No more mentions of the dreaded 'd-i-v-o-r-c-e' word...**

 **Let me know what you think!**

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 **LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**


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